Pro-children, not as good as distant children! If you have seen those heartbreaking or heartbreaking cases – anorexia, depression, OCD, schizophrenia …… you will understand the painfulness of this statement: parents who are “close” to their children often completely destroy They are unable to develop healthily and become mentally and physically ill. For the sake of your children, you need to consciously stay “away” from them. Parenting is better than “distancing”: your closeness is “successfully ruining” your child. For the sake of your child, you need to consciously stay “away” from your child. If your child is still sleeping in the same bed as you at the age of 5, and still wants to squeeze under the same covers with you, it’s time to let him/her “roll” down. How to sleep, which hides important signals of family relations. If your family bed often sleeps three people, or simply the father gave way to the children, their own sleep on the sofa, this may indicate that your family relationship is chaotic. Dad at home lack of proper status, then he naturally also difficult to exert the power and function of the father. Of course, this is a hint that the child is too entangled with the mother, too close – if a child does not want to separate from the mother, is to sleep with the mother in the same bed, he / she is not able to “independent” up. So, the first step is to let your child sleep in his or her own bed as soon as possible instead of sticking to mom’s bed. If you are having a hard time getting your child out of your bed and into his/her own bed, it may be a reminder that you are too “close” to your child and need to make a conscious effort to distance yourself. Give your child space, do not take him the whole “full” 1, in the name of “love”, trample on the child’s heart Your children’s room, is really your child’s? If it is arranged according to your wishes – if the child makes a dirty point will be reprimanded; if the child can not invite children to play, because the mother likes neat and clean …… Then, the child seems to have a room, in fact, there is no space of their own. In addition, when the child is concentrating on playing, the mother let do something else; the child look at flowers, the mother let look at people; the child look at people, the mother let look at flowers …… A friend said she met a mother, asked the child what to eat for lunch today, the child said pizza, the mother said, what is good pizza, we eat fish head bubble cake, do not give the child any opportunity to make decisions The child’s decision was made for him. The mother always wants to help the child, for example, the child grabbed a toy, the mother rushed to say, do not grab, do not grab, mommy buy you another; afraid of the child to suffer, anxious to instill the child how to like, anxious to support how to win over the children …… deprive the child of the opportunity to solve problems on their own. All the time the child is scheduled full, to the child to enroll in a variety of classes: painting classes, swimming classes, piano classes, storytelling classes, training classes …… afraid that the child wasted time, do not give the child white, do not give the child time and space to discover their own interests. Moreover, do not allow your child those interests that seem unproductive: playing in the mud, picking up sticks, getting wet, laughing for no reason …… Every time this happens, throw cold water on them, scold them, and turn them from giddy to shrinking. If you are also a mother, then your child is full of “mother”, the child does not have their own time and space. Adults often unconsciously force children, unknowingly, we play the “love” banner, in the name of “for the good of the child”, wantonly trampled on the heart of the child. If our children’s resistance can make us wake up, see that our self-righteousness is actually interfering with and destroying our children’s growth, and quickly adjust and change our attitude and way of treating our children, our level of parenting will be improved by a cut. The extreme case is: if we firmly believe that our child is “disobedient” and “misbehaving”, or even believe that there is something wrong with our child, and even forcefully and violently pressure our child to do what we want, that “obedient” child may be really destroyed by the mother. The mother succeeds in destroying the child who gave up himself/herself for the pleasure of the mother! The price is that he/she is left without him/herself and without the ability to take responsibility for his/her own life. I forget which guru said this, but it’s definitely true: children grow up where we can’t see them. Giving our children space means that we have to separate ourselves from them, respect their hearts, respect their space, and don’t disturb their development! When it comes to being “far” from the child, you have to have something else in life besides the child. You can’t bet the fun, meaning and value of your life on being a mom. If you don’t have any other fun besides your kids, if you don’t have any other value besides being a mom, you can’t be “far away” from your children. The tears in a mother’s heart are often easily shed to her son’s heart. Don’t think that the child doesn’t know if you’re doing well, there is someone who knows better than you – the mother’s feelings often become the child’s feelings. Therefore, after the child is 3 years old, you have to have your own space, whether it is work, hobbies or friends. In short, this space, which has nothing to do with your child, allows you to interact with other adults and can give you the energy to replenish, get happy and give you more energy to be a mom. It also means that you can say “no” to your child when you need your own space, and your child learns to respect and accept the fact that he/she can’t completely own his/her mother, which encourages your child to be self-sufficient. Make a choice: If you had just enough money to choose between a spiritual development program or an early childhood education program for your child, how would you choose? I bet you will pick the early childhood education class for your child! Because moms are usually willing to sacrifice themselves to put their kids first. However, the best investment is to spend the money on the parents’ own enhancement classes. This is the time when moms need to recharge themselves, and the best course for children not to lose at the starting line is to not take any classes and have fun! Mom is responsible for her own emotions 1. Mom and child’s emotions affect each other “Mom is working so hard and you are still so disobedient!” …… “If you don’t stop, I’ll get mad!” …… “Don’t make me angry!” …… Children seem to be our emotional masters and we become slaves. When they behave “good”, our emotions are good; when they behave “bad”, we feel that we can not see the day. Our emotions rise and fall with our children. The influence is mutual, we also turn our child into a slave, in order to make us happy, he / she may give up their own fun, trying to be “good”, because that is what we like. Emotions have also become a weapon to control our children. However, you can’t ask a slave to have no discontent in his heart, so sometimes the child is inexplicably against us, and makes us half angry. 2, mother and child entanglement, in the end is the emotional entanglement particularly easy to entangle with the child’s mother, usually anxiety type. That is to say, the child those things that make her angry, angry, worried …… replaced by a safe type of mother, may not feel at all what the problem. The anxious moms can’t stand to see their children down, their children growing up is a bittersweet thing, but they especially want their children to be “happy”, if their children are a little unhappy, they are like a big enemy, can’t stand. Mothers’ emotional overreaction often makes their children fearful. A mother who seems particularly gentle and kind and loving may be the most nervous and timid mother, and they often overindulge their children in order to avoid conflict, raising lawless children. 3, the mother should put their emotions and children a distance So a mother must put their emotions and children a distance, do not let the child for your emotions responsible. This is the most responsible attitude you can have to avoid imposing your own problems on your child. What you can do is: a. Remember that your personality is an extremely important factor in the parenting process. b. Don’t “teach” your child when you are overreacting emotionally. In an emotional state we are most likely to lose some of our normal functions of self, and you cannot “educate” your child at this time, it is just venting. c. Grow yourself, improve your emotional distress, and don’t let it hinder your ability to be a mother. When you set the example of being responsible for your own emotions, you can teach your child to be responsible for his/her emotions. Teach each other and “improve emotional intelligence” together. How far can you go? To be far away from your child does not mean to leave your child far away, you draw a line in the sand with him/her and leave him/her to fend for himself/herself. If you do that, your child will ask you for money. The anxious mother is unable to separate from her child, and the phrase “parent-child is better than far-child” is more for them; even if they keep “far” in mind, the distance with the child is closer, and it takes struggle and effort to do “far”. If you are avoidant and don’t like too close relationships, your relationship with your child is far enough. Avoidant moms will simply leave their kids with an elderly person or a nanny, put them in full daycare, and let them end up on their own if they cry too much …… What anxious moms need to learn to do is easy for avoidant moms. The problem is, they can’t make a safe emotional connection with their child. Then you need to make some effort to get closer to your child: spend more time with your child, do more special things for your child, buy your child gifts, hold your TA more often, learn to be more sensitive to your child’s emotions …… You need to learn how to be close to your child. Far and near is a relative concept. It means that a mother can be aware of her child’s growth, changes and needs, bear the anxiety worry, gradually let go, allow her child to make his own decisions, allow him to grow up, allow him to not need his mother, allow him to make mistakes, take risks, leave us and become himself!