The manual is designed to explain the misconceptions that exist in rescue, and what the real situation really is, so please read it carefully.
Misconception #1: “I’m afraid to say anything, I’m afraid I’ll say or do something wrong.”
Fact: Your main goal is to give support to the bereaved and allow them to feel sad, e.g., “I’m so sorry to hear about this. It must be very traumatic for you.” “How are you doing?” “Would you like to talk about your feelings?” Pay attention to your eyes when you speak, your expression. The tone of your voice, the way you express yourself is much more important than the content of your words. Reach out to them, write them a letter, send them a bouquet of flowers, etc. Help them in some practical, realistic way (doing chores, etc.). Don’t be responsible for all of their lives, but help ease the burden of their pain.
Misconception #2: “Bereaved people don’t want to talk about their loss. I am afraid to bring it up first or mention the name of the person who died.”
Fact: Most likely believe that all bereaved people are reluctant to talk about the loss. Don’t worry about mentioning the name of their favorite person and asking about the circumstances of their death (how they died, when they died, etc.). Ask how they coped and how they are coping now.
Misconception #3: “I shouldn’t cause the bereaved person to be upset.”
Fact: They are indeed upset and being upset does not hurt them; it is a good form of therapy. Tears can release the painful emotions that are pent up inside, and they can remove some of their physical symptoms. It also facilitates the expression of their anger and guilt. It is important to listen, spend some time with them, and comfort them. Pay attention to the tone of voice, the words used; the way you comfort.
Myth #4: “The bereaved person should be kept very busy so they don’t have time to think about it.”
Fact: Bereaved people need time to think and to go through the grieving process. If they are always kept so busy that they don’t have time alone to think and feel the grief, then these situations will delay the emergence or prevent the grieving process from taking place.
Myth #5: “The grieving period lasts too long, the bereaved should be fine now.”
Fact: The intensity and duration of experiencing grief is usually dependent on the bereaved person’s relationship with the deceased and also determines our normal response to loss. The timing of each person’s experience of loss is very different and is usually determined by how close they were to the deceased or what the loss meant to them
Myth #6: “It would be helpful for the bereaved person to remove all of the deceased’s belongings, including pictures of the deceased, to be able to make the bereaved forget everything about the deceased.”
Fact: Usually if the bereaved person makes a major decision within a year, it is usually not a decision he really wanted to make. If possible, it is best for him to make decisions about important things (such as moving, selling the house or business decisions, etc.) a year later. There is no problem with removing the deceased’s belongings, but some items should still be kept. If leaving the deceased’s belongings with the bereaved is too painful for them, they can be removed temporarily.
Misconception #7: “Everything seems to be fine, so I don’t want to mention any more loss/death. Why should I cause trouble?”
Fact: The bereaved person will likely feel pain and your feelings of discomfort. Be sure to mention the loss. You don’t have to keep going on and on in silence, or at least acknowledge it.
Myth #8: I need to be very religious, believe in God, and know something about a religion to better help them.
Fact: A bereaved person can be religious if it will give them comfort. If you are not sure what they are turning to God and religion for and what they have in mind, then ask them. Most people will be willing to talk to you about their thoughts, fears, desires, etc. Many bereaved people are concerned about what will happen to their “souls after death”.
Myth #9: “Everyone expresses their feelings of grief in the same way and goes through the stages of grief at the same time.”
Fact: Grief is a completely personal thing. Each person’s feelings of grief are different at different stages.
Myth #10: Once a person has gone through a stage, they can’t go back to that stage.
Fact: It is perfectly normal to enter a stage of grief, and it is possible to resolve it by returning to the original stage at a later time. Usually it may last for a shorter period of time and will not be very intense.
Myth #11: The bereaved person’s desire to sit or touch the deceased person with him/her is a pathological or abnormal expression.
Fact: Recognizing that someone has died and saying goodbye to them is a completely normal and healthy way to go.
Myth #12: It is best not to use words like death, deceased, dead, funeral, etc. when talking about the deceased. It is better to use words such as passed away, passed away, gone to heaven, departed, etc.
Fact: When referring to death, using the exact terminology may make it easier to accept. The most important thing is how it is explained to the child. To say to a child “God took him away,” “he fell asleep forever,” “he’s gone,” “ascended to heaven ” etc. will confuse or frighten the child.
Myth 13: If a person does not show outward feelings of sadness, then he either does not have sad feelings or is okay.
Fact: He may be very sad on the inside, but they do not allow their sad feelings to show. They may want to let others know they are strong, or they don’t know how they should vent their sad feelings, or it’s just a way of life for them, etc. “I have to be strong for others”. Most of the time, if we open up our hearts to them first, it will provide them with the opportunity to express their sad feelings. Suppressing one’s sad emotions in order not to upset his loved ones or children proves to be very detrimental to health. They generally appear to be strong, but they may be in pain inside as well.