China is a country of etiquette. However, there are some common Chinese manners that are harmful to your child’s development. These 4 Chinese manners shared today have a long history. It has been observed that as young parents grow up, many of them have changed. However, there are still some parents who naturally and unnaturally make “politeness” mistakes. Have any of the following injuries in the name of politeness ever happened to you or someone close to you? NO1. Let the big one let the little one: Harming the child’s view of property rights and sense of self-identity 【Case】 A 4-year-old brother was playing with his own toys when his 2-year-old sister came to make trouble. When the two of them fought over the toy, the mother saw it, picked up the sister, comforted her and at the same time said to the brother in a reproachful tone: the sister is still small, you have to give in to her more! The older brother exploded with emotion, crying and yelling: No, just no! The older one lets the younger one, the older one has to take more responsibility, this is the traditional culture of our country, for thousands of years we have grown up in this culture from generation to generation. But to expect little children before the age of six to strictly adhere to this tradition, to carry such a heavy moral burden, is too harsh. There is nothing wrong with the tradition of humility, but when children argue, they indiscriminately borrow this traditional rule of politeness to “criticize the older child and protect the younger one”. The result is often that the older child thinks that his parents are biased or dislike him, and gradually become rebellious or less confident, while the younger child is a bully and becomes more and more capricious. This scenario not only occurs in many families with two children, but also occurs when several children play together. For example, when several children in the neighborhood play together and have an argument, some adults, in order to get along politely with other families, usually say to their own children, “You’re older, you have to give way to your younger brother/sister.” In fact, when children have an argument, it is best for us to be a neutral arbiter, to understand what is going on before choosing how to handle the situation, so that we do not take sides and do not protect the little one. You can walk over to your kids and say, “Hey, tell me what just happened? Let me see if there’s a better solution? Who goes first?” Wait for the kids to explain the situation and then help them analyze it. If an older child is reluctant to share a toy with a younger child, you can ask him why. If it’s his own toy, then you can tell him, “Well, you have dominion over your own toys, but you’ll probably all have more fun if you play with your younger siblings.” If he still insists, there’s no need to force the issue; find another toy for your smaller child to play with and simply tell him, “This is your brother’s toy, and this is your toy.” If it’s a public playground, you can say this to your children, “This slide is for all of us, everyone can play with it, why don’t we line up and take turns?” NO2.Forcing children to say hello: Hurting children’s self-esteem and self-construction 【Case】 Mom took her children back to her hometown, and before she left, she told her children that they should say hello loudly when they see grandpa and grandma. However, the child refused to say hello to grandpa and grandma when he arrived at his hometown. The mother was annoyed and said, “Say hello to grandpa, why are you so rude? Why are you so rude? As a result, the more the mother criticized, the more the child refused to shout. It is a global courtesy to say hello, especially to elders. This itself is also basic social etiquette, a skill that children need to master. However, if you take the approach of forcing your child to say hello in order to cultivate their basic manners, it will often go against your wishes, especially for rebellious children, the more they are forced, the more rebellious they become. There are parents who see their children refused to greet, in order to give themselves a polite reason to give each other a reasonable step, said the child is a little introverted, for example, a common scenario – mom walking with the child on the road, came a grandmother; mom then busy calling the child to greet. Said to the child, quick, call grandma. However, at this time, the child often hide behind the mother, a shy look. The mom can only say helplessly to the grandmother, my child is too introverted, sorry! This mother in order to not let each other embarrassed casually said that the child introverted, but did not see at this time, the child bit his lips, a red face, behind the mother to hide even tighter. The mom directly labeled the child as an “introvert”, so a child who is surely not fond of greetings may be reinforced by the mom in this way. The mom easily destroys the child’s sense of security, belonging and value, leaving the child without the strength to grow and build himself. In fact, it is not necessary to force children to develop the polite habit of “greeting each other”, but rather to set a good example for adults. If parents always greet others warmly, then the child will naturally develop the good habit of “meeting and greeting”. You can also give your child more habit-forming picture books. Sometimes, the cute animals or cartoon characters in the picture books will make your child feel very close to them, and they will be willing to follow these good habits. If you are taking your child to a friend’s party or a big family gathering, you can tell your child who he will meet first and if he can meet and greet them, the party will be very high. some children don’t like to be around a lot of people, so warming up will help your child to be mentally prepared for the occasion. He will behave much better when he arrives at the party. NO3. When faced with compliments, “Where! Where!” Case] Mom took her child to ride a bike in the neighborhood, and an aunt saw her and complimented her, saying, “Wow, your child rides a bike really well! Your child’s bike riding is really good!” At this point, the mom humbly says, “No! What? A lot of kids ride better than him.” The child is dismayed to hear this. When he hears a compliment, he habitually replies, “Where! Where!” This is a common Chinese parental modesty and etiquette, but for children, it is often a poison that can kill their fragile self-confidence in an instant. Like this mom, her excessive “modesty” completely ignored her child’s inner activities and did not take into account her child’s “face”, not to mention protecting her child’s self-confidence. If the child is often “denied” praise from others in this way, he is likely to think that he is really incapable, and that he can’t do well despite his own efforts. As a result, the child will probably develop an inferiority complex and will be too lazy to put in the effort. Some moms and dads, who are habitually humble and polite in their replies, have another concern: they are afraid that their child will become proud as a result of getting too many compliments. They want to develop their child’s humble character in this way. In fact, there is absolutely no need for moms and dads to worry about their children becoming proud, as long as they can teach them the proper way to attribute praise. Or take this mom as an example, if she could have said this at the time, “Well, he’s been practicing riding his bike a lot lately, and he’s making a lot of progress.” Then the child would have been able to hear that his mom agreed with his aunt’s compliment and knew that he had made a lot of progress on his bike because he had practiced a lot. Mom’s objective affirmation and encouragement of the child will let him know himself better and build up his self-confidence. In short, in the face of other people’s praise for the child, be careful to use “where where” modest, perhaps we need to do, just smile at other people’s praise, and at the same time encourage the child to do better. NO4. will not refuse to face: harmful to the baby’s sharing behavior hurt the baby’s health [Case] During the Spring Festival, the family got together, a relative to the two and a half year old baby fed a pistachio, originally the mother also said not to give the child to eat, but the child wanted to eat, the relative said: “It does not matter, my child has been so eaten. ” In order to consider the face of the relatives, the mother did not firmly stop. Unexpectedly, pistachios but stuck in the baby’s trachea, to the hospital to do a tracheotomy surgery did not save the baby’s life. This is a case that spread widely on WeChat during the Spring Festival, and moms may still remember it. It’s not uncommon for a two-and-a-half year old to choke to death on a pistachio, and it’s possible that the child was playing while eating, or talking while eating, or something else. However, if the mom had not been able to put a firm stop to the relative’s feeding out of courtesy, then this tragic ending would not have occurred. Another common scenario: mom is playing outside with her child, and the grandmother of another child she is playing with offers him candy, which is brought out, and the child says he wants everything. But he just ate candy at home, and the mom doesn’t want him to eat too much in a row, and it’s soon lunchtime. But the old man gave the child candy to eat, and she was too embarrassed to refuse, so she had to let the child eat. That day at lunch the child’s meal size was significantly reduced. Similar things happen all the time. When adults give their own children snacks, they will share a little with the children they play with to show their generosity and friendliness, while the parents on the other side of the table often have to acquiesce because they are too embarrassed to refuse the sharing, or they say thank you, but their minds are filled with worry. Sharing is also our tradition, and it is polite to accept others’ kind sharing. However, if the sharing is something you don’t need, or if it has an impact on your child’s health, it’s better to politely but firmly refuse. For example, “Thanks! But he often doesn’t eat after he eats candy, so don’t give it to him!” Or “Thank you, my child can’t eat nuts yet”, and so on. If the child is clamoring for it and the other party is adamant about giving it to him, then the mother should accept it for the child and tell the child: “Grandma’s gift, mom will help the baby to keep it first, and then bring it to the baby to eat when the baby eats his playdate” or “I will give it to the baby when the baby grows up”, and so on.