How to raise obedient and assertive children? The question is usually discussed in terms of “balance in parenting,” “moderate” or “rules and freedom,” but it is easy to fall into the dilemma of “saying the right thing but not doing it. However, it is easy to fall into the dilemma of “saying the right thing, but not doing it” because it is difficult to determine the so-called “right amount” and “balance”. How to be “a parent who gives children a sense of ownership”? So, is there a better understanding or method to help us? What kind of person do you want your child to be? What kind of parent do we need to be? These are two perspectives that are similar but fundamentally different. According to the former logic, “what we want our children to be”, as if “what our children become” is something we can “want”, which is obviously not valid, because This is obviously not true because the child has his or her own temperament and his or her own choices. “What kind of person a child becomes” is something we cannot control, while “what kind of parent” is something we can control, and that is the biggest difference between the two. When we focus on ourselves rather than on our children, we will experience the wonderful feeling of “being in control”. For example, if we want our children to “listen,” our focus is to be the parent who says, “My children will listen. Then, the next step is how to achieve “children will listen to us”. In fact, this is not a difficult task. If you can do the following, children will naturally be willing to listen to us: 1, the words must be kept Do not easily promise (such as gifts or trips), promise to put in mind must be fulfilled, in case due to special circumstances can not be fulfilled, to sincerely apologize, just like our friends with apologies. The rules are clear, allowed is allowed, not allowed is not allowed, for example, and the child agreed to visit the mall can only buy a toy, but the child decided to buy what. Then, after the child buys one and wants to buy another, you have to reject it distinctly and firmly (no need to be angry, just reject it). At the same time, no matter how low-cost or unsuitable the child wants to buy that toy, we can not veto, but let him decide (in fact, the child must be able to learn from the wrong choice). 2, let the child feel that you think about him This point is the child “feel” to count. A lot of parents have good intentions for their children at all costs, but the children are not close to their parents, because parents give their children “parents want to give” rather than “children want”, and parents do not know what children want and do not want to understand. The child wants to play with his mother, but the mother thinks that spending a high price on classes or tutoring is “love”, but is not willing to spend time with the child to play, thinking that this is not important, this situation is not felt by the child, can not feel the “love” and is forced to give, the child is depressed, and will rebel or alienate. The child will be rebellious or alienated. Teaching your child to do or not to do something can also make your child feel that it is “for his own good”. For example, if you don’t play with electrical sockets, make him feel that it is for his safety, how to feel it, is to show him the danger; for example, “study hard now, only in the future will there be a way out”, this kind of words children just can not feel, because he is too young to “future” concept. No concept, so what can be done is to let him feel the “sense of achievement” and “the joy of learning itself”. 3, so that the child is convinced What we say we believe and can do, our advice is necessary and is valuable and feasible, the child can not do, do not know, do not understand, we can teach him when the child needs, help him, he will be convinced us. On the contrary, the child will not believe or obey us. For example, we teach our children to be “honest”, but in fact, “honesty ≠ truthfulness”, when someone invites us to dinner, we are reluctant to go and politely say “I am not available today, I will make a date later”. This is not “truthfulness”, but it does not mean that we are not honest. We may think that children are too young to need so much, but children are very sensitive and serious, these are seen in the eyes of the inner conflict on the suspicion. For example, if we ask our children to study hard and work hard, if we are in a state of getting by in our own lives, our words have no power, because our child believes what he sees far more than what he hears. In short, if we can make our child feel that what we say counts and works, and that we are thinking about him and not imposing, what reason is there for our child not to listen to us? The child is actually very dependent on, very valued parents, he does not listen, often because our words are not so loved by others. If a parent’s words are not listened to by their child, and the parent has to be listened to, what will be the result? Just look around at those families with poor parent-child relationships. It’s not hard to make your child assertive, as long as our expectation is to be “an assertive parent”. How to become “a parent who makes the child assertive”? The following points are worth noting: 1, allow the child to be his own children’s world and the world of adults are very different, adults often do not understand why children “eat and play”, why so much like to play; children also do not understand why adults are so busy, why so little time with their own, why they like the Adults will not agree, they often think: is it because they are not important? Is it because they are not good enough? Is it because they are not worth it? (The words “important” and “worthy” may not be understood by children, but they have the ability to feel it early on). It is difficult for children to understand the adult world of adults, but adults can understand children through learning and observation. If we see these objective differences, can we just let our children be that two-year-old child who needs adult attention and companionship? In addition, even though the child is born to us and there is genetic inheritance in the child, the child still has many, many differences from us, including his personality, preferences, habits, etc. Do we allow the child to be himself according to his needs and interests? If our child’s interests are very different from ours, can we let go of our expectations and pay for his interests? If our child’s personality is not what we appreciate, can we respect that it is his personality? As our children grow up, they will have more and more opinions of their own, and because of the huge differences between parents and children in terms of background, upbringing and values, our children’s opinions are likely to be different from ours. How do we deal with these differences? If children are not allowed to have different opinions, where do they get their “initiative”? In short, if we respect our children’s differences, we and our children can accept each other; if we appreciate our children’s differences, we and our children can nourish each other. If we accept each other, the parent-child relationship is harmonious, and nourish each other, the parent-child relationship will be closer and appreciated. 2, believe that children can do well for themselves People are born to be free and independent, and dependence is something that can be “cultivated” later in life. How can you successfully “raise” a dependent child? Most parents have their own tricks. One of the most important elements is “uneasiness”, and behind “uneasiness” is “unbelief”. As long as this key point is well grasped, raising a “dependent child” is just around the corner. What do you mean by “uneasy”? See: “Child, eat more, or you will be hungry later” “It’s cold today, wear more, or you will catch a cold” “You don’t know how to do it yet, I’ll do it… I’ll do it…” “This won’t work, you have to ……” “I don’t care about learning, I don’t care that he just knows how to play” Please give your child Full trust. Don’t children even know how to eat and wear warmth? Hungry once to know to eat, freezing once to know to wear, the problem lies in the parents rather than the child can not withstand that a hunger or a freezing. Children do not know just need to learn ah, who is born to know it? If you don’t make any mistakes, how can you learn and grow? By trying to know whether it works or not, is the most basic way of human learning! For learning, the two main motivations are autonomy – “he is learning” and a sense of accomplishment – “he can learn”. “Every time a parent supervises a child, the child supervises himself less and his autonomy is destroyed. My advice is for parents to tell their children this from the beginning: this is your business, you need to decide and be responsible for it yourself, I am willing to help you with any difficulty you have, but it is up to you to decide if you want my help. The only thing a parent can ask of a child is that “the child ask for himself” and the only help is that “the child is able to help himself and knows how to do it and how to get help”. Can we trust that the child is capable of doing what is required of him at that age? Children can’t do it, they can learn it. Learning often occurs through mistakes or failures, and learning is a process that does not happen overnight. Children are born with the desire and ability to be autonomous. Children are born to be upwardly mobile and good. If parents really believe in this and give their children the necessary support, advice and help according to their autonomy requirements, instead of imposing support, advice and help according to their understanding, I don’t believe there are really “dependent” children in the world. To sum up, if we focus on “what kind of parents we want to be”, “obedience” and “assertiveness” are not a fish and a bear’s paw, but rather the two sides of the coin. The two are one and the same and are not in conflict.