A child is most sensitive, and when he feels the contempt of his parents, he will soon deny himself and think of himself as worthless. Even more frightening is that he will feel strongly that his parents do not love him. This is no longer just a matter of bruised self-esteem and courage, but a matter of ruthlessly blowing out all the flames of hope in the child’s young mind. How to communicate effectively with children is a concern for every family and every parent. The way you communicate with your children will not only directly affect their character development and personality building, but even their mental health. I learned that there is a book that contains a selection of 70 words that parents should not say to their children and 50 words that parents should say. Today, I have selected 6 of these words that ignore the personality of children and see how they can affect them. Let’s read it together! 1, why are you so stupid Parents: “How many times has this been said? Why do you keep not understand it?” Child: “This question is so difficult, I do not understand why at all.” Parent: “What’s so hard about it? All the kids your age can do this kind of problem.” Child: “I don’t seem to have a talent for math ……” Parent: “Why are you always so stupid! You can’t even do such a simple problem, what do you want to do in the future?” If there was a list of forbidden words to say to a child, this would be at the top of the list. This is certainly the most representative of words that disregard your child’s personality. When you disregard your child’s personality, you are stepping on all the good things. A child’s self-esteem, self-efficacy, self-confidence, dominant motivation, achievement motivation, and all the other forces that can bring a bright future to a child are ruthlessly trampled underfoot by parents. Amazingly, it is usually easy to say things that disregard our children’s character without realizing it. “You’re useless!” “Why are you such a child?” “Who would like a child like you?” “It’s hopeless!” “A child like you should not have been born in the first place.” “How could I have given birth to you? What a pain in the ass.” “What an ingrate!” “Why are you still eating?” Please ask yourself if you have ever said the above to your child. Even if you have only said one sentence, you should reflect on yourself. Because these words can bring great harm to the child’s heart. And this is just another kind of abuse. It’s not just physical abuse that is called abuse. Parents who trample on a child’s character, destroy his or her dreams, and tarnish his or her future are more vicious abusers. Sometimes, the child does act like a fool. You may feel depressed, even a little chilled, and finally one day you can’t stand it anymore and say the above words to your child. However, things are already like this, and it won’t help if you say more words critical of your child’s character. The nail in the coffin is not going to be changed by your complaints. In fact, these words do not do any good to the child, but may really turn the child into a fool, thus pushing him to the abyss of hopelessness. 2, I would not do this if I were you Parent: “To choose extracurricular classes, you think about what subjects to choose?” Child: “Yes, I have. I want to enroll in soccer and handicraft classes.” Parent: “Isn’t that what you signed up for last time?” Child: “I think it’s better to continue what I’ve done before.” Parent: “If I were you, I wouldn’t take the same classes over and over again. It’s only more interesting when you learn something new!” Parents often give advice to their children, “I would do this if I were you.” They stand in the shoes of the parents and want to use their own life experience to show their children a relatively safe and easy path. Of course, they are also careful not to let such a conversation hurt their children, and also hope that it will serve as the right guidance for them. But in fact, the words themselves express an attitude of condemnation, and the object of condemnation is the child’s thoughts and their behavior. In fact, this statement only emphasizes the parent’s own thoughts without fully respecting the child’s personality and opinions, so it only creates a psychological burden and a sense of resistance in the child. In any case, parents should first affirm their children. For example, in one way or another, the child’s choice has merit. Then, the parent can express the parent’s opinion in a different way, such as, “If it were mom, I would probably do that,” or “Dad thinks it would be good to do that,” etc. Some children will desperately want to prove that it is wrong after their parents give advice, and the most common way is for the child to do it badly on purpose. In fact, they are trying to prove that their parents’ words are actually wrong by not being strict enough in this way, so that they can achieve their revenge purpose. Sometimes, children will also engage in extreme behavior to cut off their interaction with their parents. Many of you have probably experienced this kind of rebelliousness and action, and it’s okay if it happens once or twice, but if it happens repeatedly, it can be an irreversible situation. When your child has such signs of rebellion, parents must stop blaming their children’s behavior, but it is necessary to first self-reflect on whether some of your words and actions have hurt your child, thus making him appear to overreact. The words you have said, it is likely that “if I would not do this,” the words hurt the child. 3, you do not even understand this child: “Dad, what is a hurricane?” Dad: “Why are you asking this question all of a sudden?” Child: “I was just watching the news and I heard it next to my dad, saying that a hurricane made landfall in the United States and many people died.” Dad: “You don’t even know what a hurricane is? That’s why I told you to read more books in general!” Children do not know what they have not learned, of course, and even if they have learned something, children will easily forget it. If parents usually blame their children for the smallest things, such as “why don’t you know this” or “what do you know”, children will really think they are incompetent. The feeling of being looked down upon from the parents can leave the child in a state of isolation and confusion. In fact, the parent says this mainly because he is too lazy to explain the knowledge to the child or because he is too much trouble for the child. However, children certainly do not understand this mentality of their parents, they only feel that their parents are too lazy to teach them and that they have lost a good teacher in their lives, and this can be very disappointing to them. If this happens too often, it can leave a very bad impression on the child – Ah! Mom and Dad are not only unwilling to teach me knowledge, but they also find me annoying. The main reason why children ask very simple questions is that they want to make sure that they are acquiring the right knowledge and also to confirm their parents’ love for them. That’s why children will repeatedly ask some very simple common sense questions until they confirm that their parents really love them, otherwise they won’t stop. Sometimes, parents are so embarrassed by their children’s questions that they get irritated and yell at them, “You don’t even understand that?” In a child’s world, the tone of a parent who is bored with his or her question hurts him or her more than if the parent can’t answer his or her question. So, when a child asks a question, parents must be patient and not always put on an impatient look to dismiss the child. If the parents also do not understand the place, we must directly tell the child they also do not understand, and then with the child to find the answer, this is the right approach. 4. What are you asking this for? Child: “Mom, who sent the delivery?” Mom: “Mom bought it online.” Child: “What did you buy?” Mom: “Just some things that mommy needs.” Child: “What exactly is it? Can I open it and see what it is?” Mom: “What do you know about that? Don’t worry about it, go do your own thing!” Children who want to get involved in everything are a bit tormented. It’s only natural for parents to be unconsciously angry when they’re bored. But you can’t be angry with “Why are you asking this?” “If you have time to ask this, you should go study” and so on to stab the child, parents must learn to control their emotions. Being ignored by others is a really bad feeling, both for adults and for children. Also, children are very fragile inside and they can’t yet tune themselves in as well as adults can. When they are ignored by outsiders, especially by their parents, children can think that their parents don’t love them and take a big hit inside. Therefore, parents must pay extra attention when they speak. When your child starts to interfere in big and small things, you must first find out why your child is doing that and what the real purpose is. Does the child just want to know an answer? Or does he or she want the opportunity to talk to mom or dad? This is something you must find out first. If it is the former, you need to give him a clear answer and solve his confusion. If the latter is the case, then parents need to have an in-depth conversation with the child to satisfy his desire to communicate. Both have one thing in common, and that is, both need to be explained by the parent affectionately. Of course, it is better to teach the child how to solve the problem on his or her own. For example, if your child is particularly fond of a certain website and is pestering you to go to it every day, why not simply take the time to teach your child how to use the computer to search for websites? Or, parents can also make such rules with their children, want to know something, before coming to ask mom and dad, ask older siblings, if you still can not get the answer to go to the book, if it is really their ability to solve the problem, then come to ask mom and dad. But parents need to note that in this case, if the child comes to ask you questions again, you must give answers with twelve percent enthusiasm. Mom: “Why are you climbing on the seat with your shoes on again? Your dad hates it in the car.” Child: “I have to put them on again later anyway, so it’s too much trouble to take them off and put them on again.” Mom: “Anyway, you can’t step on the seat with your shoes on, and it’s a good thing your dad didn’t see you, or you’d get a lecture again.” The father is an important person to the child, and his comments should be taken into account, but his own aspirations and motivation to achieve are more important. If parents say such things easily, they will mislead their children and make them feel ashamed that outside comments and opinions are more important than their own aspirations and motivations. And the result will only be that the child is lost and doesn’t know how to make the right plans and work toward them. Of course, the evaluations of others are also important. It would certainly be best if there was a balance between external evaluations and the child’s internal motivation (i.e., motivation to achieve). But in our society, the two are out of balance, and it is indisputable that people care more about what others think than what motivates a child to achieve. So, in this social situation, it is necessary for parents to protect their children by emphasizing and promoting their achievement motivation more. People become excited when they make progress, they feel a sense of accomplishment when they reach their self-imposed goals, and they feel this joy and sense of accomplishment to bring out their unlimited potential. However, if a child does something just for the praise of mom, dad, grandparents or teachers, he or she will be under a lot of pressure and will feel seriously frustrated if he or she does not reach the goal. In more extreme cases, he or she will believe that he or she needs to do whatever it takes to earn the praise of others. People are social animals and need to get along with each other to be happier. However, maintaining rapport with others does not only manifest itself in gaining the favorable opinion of others, but is only achieved when the opinion of others is respected. Valuing the opinions of others and respecting the opinions of others are two different things. Wise parents need to face this point squarely. 6. what do you know at a young age Child: “Mom, Ji-Min always comes to bother me.” Mom: “That’s your brother, so give him a little more slack. He likes you, that’s why he’s like that.” Child: “Mom is always favoring Jimin, I’m so sad.” Mom: “Haha …… do you know what sadness is?” Child: “How come I don’t know? Sad, sad, that’s what it feels like.” Mom: “At a young age, what do you know about sadness? Where did you learn that?” If you change your position, you will be able to understand the child’s heart. When I was young, I took my mother’s makeup and put it on my face when she was not home, and then I looked in the mirror left and right. When your sister was out, you secretly put on her new pretty dress and put it back before she came back. Or, buy a movie ticket that is not suitable for your age and secretly go to feel the excitement, this kind of thing is also not few. Then adults found, basically will hear the words: “young, so ……” to hear such words, we were not also in the heart of the secret retort. What is the crime of being young? Why always say they are young and do not take themselves seriously? We felt aggrieved and frustrated by this. At that time, I wondered why adults always did not understand their own minds. Think back to the emotions you felt when you were young, the emotions you felt when you heard those words, and then look back at your child’s face, and you won’t be able to say things like “what do you know about being young” and laugh it off. Thinking about your own past, you can understand how depressed your child was after you said those words. Of course, the inner world of children is not as complex as that of adults, but children are also very emotional. Even a newborn infant can express its most basic emotions (happiness, anger, sadness, surprise, fear, disgust); after the age of one, a toddler can use a few simple words to express its emotions; after the age of two or three, a child can perceive the reasons for its emotions; once in kindergarten, a child begins to understand mixed emotions, that is, to feel both positive and Once in kindergarten, children begin to understand mixed emotions, that is, feeling both positive and negative emotions in one event. When you know how children develop emotions, you can understand that children are good at interacting with emotions from an early age. So, please don’t just ignore children on the grounds of their young age, but try to interact more positively with them in terms of emotional communication.