1.Feeling>reasoning Many parents today are unforgettable but their high status, they look at their children as children, objects that need to be disciplined; look at their children as learning machines, objects that need to be filled, but will never look at their children as people, objects that need to be respected. They are not willing to squat down and analyze the problem, find the problem, solve the problem from the child’s point of view. In addition to the huge expectations and heavy love, parents are simply brutal and unreasonable, they instead reason with their children all day long. A survey shows that what children resent most from their parents is nagging, “all day and night they talk about some crap reasoning”, “they talk about big and small things a hundred times”, “they talk about it from kindergarten to now”, which gives How does this make the child feel? In terms of psychology, it is not the truth that illuminates our growth, but the feelings that lead us forward, especially for children. When a child says “I’m hungry”, the parent says “I just ate, I’m not hungry”; when a child says “I’m hot”, the parent says “It’s not hot today. “. In addition to denying the child’s feelings, parents can bring more negative emotions to the child. When you jokingly ask, “Is it better to be a daddy or a mommy?” The child looks at dad and mom with a puzzled look on his face, and his feelings are: Did dad or mom do something bad? When you say, “I spend so much money to pay for your schooling, do you know?” The child’s feeling is: I spent all the money in the family to study, mom and dad are very painful for this, I probably should not study. When you say, “This test is so bad, no play!” The child’s feeling is: I can’t study well, I can’t play well, I am useless. When parents fight every day, the child’s feeling is that they don’t love me. When parents invade the child’s personal space at will, his feeling is the end of the world, there is nothing in this world that belongs to me, I am not necessary to exist! We all say, “a good parent-child relationship is better than a bunch of education”, where does a bad parent-child relationship start? Not respecting the child’s feelings! You could say it is the number one killer of parent-child disorder! When the child’s feelings are denied is also his emotional flow is blocked, his frustration, lack of understanding of adults, fear of the world will be long shrouded in the heart, not to mention learning, he has no interest in everything, paralyzed like chondromalacia, parents put their hearts out, the child indifferent! It’s not what you say, it’s what the child hears, it’s not what you do, it’s what the child feels. Pay attention to the child’s feelings, experience the child’s feelings, affirm the child’s feelings, express the child’s feelings, you are great parents! 2, habit > prodigy Our hope for miracles can be said to be burned into the genes, the hope of human beings for their own miracles that is prodigy, the Chinese prodigy complex is particularly heavy! There are not many experiences in life that can be compared to the sweet and sour experience of having children, and if you can have a prodigy, all of this seems to be dispensed with. But in reality, the prodigy’s family may suffer more misfortunes, because to return to mediocrity itself is misfortune. Prodigy stories from countries all over the world prove that prodigies are not magical. Karl Witte, the German prodigy famous for his book “The Education of Karl Witte,” spoke six languages at the age of eight and was fluent in five disciplines, especially mathematics; he entered university at the age of nine and received his doctorate at the age of 16. At the age of 23, he published his book “Dante’s Blunder” and became an authority on Dante instead of the expected great scientist, but did such a scholarly work make him a great man? At best, he was a “minor work”. The Korean cosmic prodigy Kim Woo-ryong entered Hanyang University at the age of three and performed on Japanese TV at the age of four, solving a university test on indefinite integrals in three minutes, to the astonishment of the world! However, at the age of 17, he took the entrance examination and was ranked at the bottom of the list of accepted students. What did the prodigy contribute to society? It only contributes to a miracle phenomenon that shows the unlimited potential of the human brain. So what is true education? Education in one simple sentence is to develop good habits. Not bad at all, moral education is to develop good behavior habits, intellectual education is to develop good study habits, sports is to develop good exercise habits. The parents are not doing well in cultivating good habits in their children, so what about raising prodigies? It can be said that parents are not in the cultivation of good habits is to cultivate bad habits. Many parents do everything for their children: from cooking, laundry, and transportation to school, to tying shoelaces, sharpening pencils, and peeling eggshells, children have no opportunity to behave in any way other than forming the habit of dependence. Some parents want to cultivate the habit of pre-study, review, note taking, and on-time homework, but they are unable to do so because they are not well educated. Some parents are too demanding, some parents are too preachy, and some parents have too many vices of their own, all of which lead to the failure of habit formation. Habit means willpower, self-control, efficiency, and everything is natural: excellence is a habit. If you really want your child to be good, then change the “prodigy complex” to a “habit complex”: be sure to help your child develop even one good habit! 3, space > love To summarize, children now have “three big and three small”: living space is getting bigger and bigger, the space for growth is getting smaller and smaller; housing area is getting bigger and bigger, the volume of the mind is getting smaller and smaller; the pressure of learning is getting bigger and bigger, the motivation to learn is getting smaller and smaller. In the end, the “three small” is “a small”: the narrow space of the mind. People live in natural space, our growth is the march into space, and we live in spiritual space, our growth or the expansion of spiritual experience, the expansion of these two spaces to support a person really healthy growth. But love brings tension in the parent-child relationship. There are those who are discontented, those who resent, those who hate, and those who hate to kill. It is this reason that leads to psychological malnutrition, spiritual atrophy, psychological death and leaving the normal social life, too many encountered in psychological counseling. Sima Guang said, “A mother does not suffer from not being kind, but from not knowing how to love and teach!” Many parents tie their children to their studies for various reasons, telling them how competitive society will be in the future, and they have little freedom, except for the exhausting study. How can there be space for expansion? When the child is finally indifferent to everything, parents have no recourse, and psychological counseling is also extremely difficult, a sixteen-year-old high school student said “I do not know what competition, I do not want to compete now.” A person’s growth is actually to expand the space and deal with the problems in the space, if the child does not get enough training in this area, it relies on what to fight the future? The Western proverb “Do not tell me how many talents he has, just tell me where he has been” and “Read a thousand books, travel a thousand miles” is the most profound understanding of space. Space is also significant in the psychology of personality. The quality of a person is mostly derived from leisure activities, and a person’s personality can be fully developed when he has free rein. At the same time, space means a person’s security range, it brings problems of passivity, bondage, control, such people can only do mechanical things when they grow up, and have a crazy desire to control their loved ones, hurting the family hurting the next generation. In contrast, the children of a harmonious and relaxed family are adventurous, active, and able to mingle with others, and can easily acquire achievements and a happy life. Give your children a free space, you are a great parent! 4.Character>Score When all techniques and methods of education are set aside, it is found that the core is still the question of why people become human beings. Ability, professionalism, and academic knowledge mainly help us solve the problem of doing things, but without solving the problem of being a person, it is difficult for you to have a chance to do things, or not to do them for long. The traditional Chinese education, “cultivate your body, nurture your character, educate your family, rule your country and level the world.” The first and foremost is to become an adult, and everything starts with cultivating one’s moral character, which is the minimum goal of life. The most important virtue of the individual side of personality is the love of labor, and the most important virtue of the social side is compassion, which leads to deep fraternity. Marx said that “labor is the first need of man”, which is a genius philosophical assertion. Man is an animal that lives in meaning, and meaning is value. How is value born? It comes from labor. Anything that is appreciated or worth having is because of the cohesion of labor. Our children get too many free things, so nothing has any value, and eventually life has no value. Psychologically speaking, Marx’s words are just as genius as the assertion that labor is an intrinsic need, the most primitive connection between human beings and the world. In addition, deprivation of labor also prevents the process of socialization of children, which also results in low or distorted mental health. American homeschooling can be expressed in the phrase: “Give your child a chore plan. Once a week, parents post what chores they want their children to do, check completion, and pay for the chores so that children feel a sense of accomplishment for their work. Work is the last thing Chinese parents see. All Chinese parents can see is “did you do your homework” and “how many points did you get on the test”. Xu Li, the juvenile delinquent who was forced by his mother to study and killed her, was proud of only two things: cooking for an elderly widow and moving a gas tank when his mother was sick. All bad character begins with good and bad work, if parents are raising such people, then, the family is almost there! 5, state > ability Intelligence is another deeply rooted belief in the minds of many parents, so they do whatever it takes to create prodigies. High IQ people solve problems easier, but not the same as success is easier, how many things in the world non-IQ 180 can not do it? As long as the intelligence is normal, it is enough to succeed. Many parents now realize that ultimately it is ability that counts, so they value quality education and have embraced the concept of emotional intelligence. I don’t use EQ > IQ here because these two concepts are so specialized that most people have a vague understanding of them, while “status” is more graphic, and it is more important than ability. We all have an experience, once weakened or sick, your eyes, voice, movement, appetite all changed, and once recovered, and refreshing, the ideal clouds of sail again high up, this is the state. In sports we also see that when athletes are not in shape, they can not perform. Ability is not important, how to excel in ability is important! Many children have lost their innocent aura, lively, romantic, laughter in their body is no longer in. More than a third of primary and secondary school students are now averse to school, is it because they are not intellectually capable? No, they are simply not in the state of learning! The nagging, forcing, scolding, sarcasm, quarrels between parents long ago let the child wilt, the child can neither absorb, nor play, a complete pathology. Not in a state, extravagant talk about what growth, what future! Seriously, it is unfortunate enough that adults are physically and mentally exhausted, if from the beginning of childhood is a state of physical and mental exhaustion, is a mechanical state, parents bring children into the world for what ah! A child in good condition is more important than anything else, a good hundred. Some parents say about their children, “If you want him to study, he will die, if you do strange things immediately live”, find the state who will live, where to let him live where is the direction of his growth! We all long to return to childhood, is not the longing for the state of childhood? Please parents believe that everyone who can make achievements are people who are always childlike! It is the responsibility of parents to protect the childlike state of their children! 6.Interest>Knowledge Due to the lack of the highest idea, so some secondary things become entrenched ideas, such as knowledge is power, many parents are blinded by the voice of this giant, now it does not work, the use of knowledge is the power, knowledge also does not automatically change the fate, excellent use of knowledge to change the fate, many parents are still forcing their children to take an old road: dead reading, reading dead, reading Death. The highest level of learning is to want to learn, and there is only one way to reach this level: interest. The answer to how to use knowledge excellently is still interest. What is interest? Interest is the natural desire to know, that is, curiosity, knowledge is not important, it is important to know. Psychologically speaking, there is no one who does not love to learn, the key is to learn what and how to learn, if the desire to learn is not cultivated, then what to sing ah. The path to knowledge is: interest – hobby – obsession, the task of parents is to help and guide their children to this step, the child will have the advantage of standing out, the advantage is the great potential of life, no advantage that is waiting for mediocrity. 7, concept > method The biggest drawback of today’s family education is that, whether it is the elderly grandparents or many young parents, their educational ideas are still stuck in the swinging state of feeling, posing authority or following the trend, catching up with the fashion, most people in the mind has not been a stable idea and method of teaching children, often lacking consistency and long-term perspective on the education of children. This is the core of all the problems in home education. What our parents lack most is a philosophy that can support their children’s life, and basically, they are all working on methods and techniques, and what they get is only a half-hearted and broken thing. Conceptually, modern parents are divided into three types: the first type of gardeners, both know how to educate, but also have a sense of responsibility, the children of such families are particularly likely to succeed, but the parents are the most difficult, because it requires parents to master the laws of children’s psychological development, which is modern humanism; the second type is the lazy type, do not know how to educate, but also little sense of responsibility, do not care, rely on the sky to collect, the children in such families have the same success This is the traditional naturalism; the third type is the inverted help type, do not know how to educate but especially responsible, under the banner of for your own good, a minute does not stop the killing of children, a large number of failed children are created by this kind of parents, this is the authoritarianism of stifling human nature. Three philosophies are also three ways of thinking. Children excel in their way of thinking, and success starts with the parents, right from the parents’ philosophy.