My family has 8 people, twins, Bebe is more than five years old is the age of trouble, grandma and grandpa are the kind of child discipline very strict kind, I came home every day, full of ears ‘no, no, no, no, no! ‘, simply let me annoyed! But I couldn’t say anything, and when I did, grandma and grandpa would say, ‘You don’t like me, do you? Then watch the kids yourself, we’re leaving.’ I don’t know what I’d do if grandma and grandpa really didn’t watch the kids for me. So, usually I just put up with it, how unhappy I put up with it. Usually okay, but once the pressure is particularly high, work is particularly tired, I can not hold back when I go home, often in front of the children to lose their temper, who caught and who sent, children, husband, grandma and grandpa, aunts, nannies, all have learned my bad temper. If you don’t feel guilty after the tantrum, it’s fine, but I’m the kind of person who regrets after the tantrum, so every time I lose my temper, I have to go and calm them down one by one, but the next time, when it comes to that time, I still can’t hold back my anger, what should I do? I am now physically and mentally exhausted! What should I do to hold my emotions in check?” A mother’s account – where does the “nameless fire” in emotions come from? As counselors, we often encounter mothers who have difficulty controlling their emotions, like Baby Mama. When they turn to counselors for their emotional problems, they are usually well aware of how their bad emotions can negatively affect their children’s development. However, there is a lack of understanding about the emotions themselves. In the common case above, the mother’s emotion is primarily a secondary emotion, while the emotion we call primary emotion is no longer visible. So, what do we mean by primary emotions? Primary emotions are the emotional experiences that we naturally have as human beings, such as joy, anger, sadness, fear, anxiety, etc. The characteristic of primary emotion is that it is the most immediate emotion that comes with every real thing that happens. In the case, because the mother did not agree with the way grandma or grandpa raised her child, or because the way grandma or grandpa raised her child touched some feeling she had as a child and thus felt unhappy and annoyed, then this annoyed and unhappy emotion, instead of being expressed in time when something happened, suppressed this annoying emotion and then accumulated it, and finally at some When you are physically and mentally exhausted, you become angry and let out your anger, then this emotion is called “secondary emotion”. Secondary emotions are usually an exaggerated, explosive, out-of-control emotion that comes from suppressing primary emotions, and when secondary emotions are released, there is usually nothing major happening in the reality level, only some seemingly unrelated minor things, like what we usually call “nameless anger” or “overreaction”. “overreaction”, etc. Each emotion has its own positive meaning In our culture, people seem to be prone to prejudice against emotions, especially negative emotions, such as anger, fear, sadness, people tend to think that people have such negative emotions is wrong, not sunny, and sometimes even think that these negative emotions make people feel ashamed. In addition, even positive emotions may not always be welcome, especially when we are too happy, we will worry about whether we will be “happy to be sad” and so on. In fact, emotions are simply a true reflection of our inner feelings, a symbol of our existence as real, living human beings; they prompt us to see whether our inner needs are being met and whether we are facing danger, such as fear, which is meant to say that it is always providing protection for our safety – when we feel afraid, we instinctively assess the nature and extent of what is provoking the fear and then build up self-protection measures. Another example is irritability, which is a reminder that there may be some miscommunication or unmet needs in our relationships, and that if we are aware of this emotion and examine the relationship through this reminder, we can avoid unnecessary misunderstandings and destructive things in our lives and relationships. Learning to live peacefully with emotions Some inherent ways of dealing with emotions are related to our prejudices about them, such as the mechanism of suppressing before exploding, which stems from a certain lack of acceptance of emotions. However, when we can understand the meaning of the existence of emotions, we will naturally remove some of our prejudices about them, so that we can better identify with our emotions and gradually find ways to live with them. The first step in dealing with emotions, whether they are primary or secondary, is to become aware of them, not to suppress or isolate them. To be aware of emotions is to be aware that you have emotions, and to see and assess the nature and extent of your emotions. For example, if something happens and you feel some irritability within yourself, then you need to continue to discern: Is this irritability related to anger or rage? Or is it related to fear or dread? Or is it just anxiety, a worry; moreover, to whom is this emotion directed? How serious is it? When you can clearly perceive these, the second step is to learn to describe your emotions relatively objectively and accurately, and to communicate with each other to see what happened in the event that made these emotions flow between me and you, or between me and you? Then, this communication is neither accusatory, nor ingratiating, nor evasive, but with a curious, inquisitive attitude, and leaves the other person ample space to express himself. When the emotional events, behaviors and true needs behind the behaviors are clarified, invite the other person to join you in feeling the clarification of your emotional experience and how your relationship and feelings about each other have changed. Often, if this communication is thorough and effective, we will feel closer to each other and the relationship will become more constructive and nourishing. However, it is important to note that such an approach is a little more effective with primary emotions. Secondary emotions are more complex and difficult to deal with because they are usually superimposed and accumulated emotions that may come from some kind of childhood trauma or from some unprocessed and ungrown patterns within us, and the real needs behind the emotions are more subtle, so it is often necessary to use other perspectives or seek professional help.