“Take out the bear doll for your brother to play”, “No, that’s mine”, “You’re such a selfish kid, it’s nothing to take out and play together, go, if you don’t go mommy won’t like you! ” The above is to take my son to a friend’s house to hear the conversation, although the final friend’s children still take out the doll, but the whole time not play together, but puffed cheeks standing on the side to stare. In fact, sometimes we say the same thing to our children, but in fact we are wrong, this is not the real meaning of “share”. When my daughter was a little girl, she was very generous, sharing toys and food with other adults and children, so I was glad that I had a generous daughter, so I could rest easy! But when she was about 3 years old, she suddenly started to be “selfish”, and everything was “Mine! It’s mine!” Whenever she touches her toys, she immediately rushes to grab them, and my heart raises an alarm! Oh no! Why don’t my kids want to share? Why has she become so selfish? If this continues, she will have no friends! So I started to ask her to share, to appreciate each other’s feelings and to put herself in the shoes of others. Whenever she wouldn’t let others touch her toys, I told her: “Think about it, if you don’t share it with cc, is he sad? If you go to cc’s house and he doesn’t give you anything to play with, are you also sad?” I thought I was on the road to successful parenting, until one day my daughter gave up something in her hand and I turned around and met her eyes staring at her beloved toy in someone else’s hand. She was reluctant to let go of the toy, worried that the other party would not treat it as well as she loved her toy, and hoped that the other party would return it to her quickly. It was like a mother handing over her newborn baby to someone else, or a father handing over his daughter’s hand on the red carpet. I was suddenly in a cold sweat, oh my God! I was so wrong! I thought I was teaching my child the virtue of “sharing”, but in fact I was forcing her to give up her right to protect her beloved things! Don’t take away your child’s right to “not share”! So, moms and dads, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and strangers. I want to tell you that children also have the right not to share! Please don’t press your children with “it’s more fun to play together” or “Sharing is caring” in English! Because of the phrase “Sharing is caring”, many people say that Western education teaches children to share from an early age, so our children should also learn this social skill in order for our parenting to have an international perspective. But moms and dads, such a view is biased! I pondered over the definition of “share”, sought expert advice, and observed how Australian parents handle it, and found that the word “share” in parenting is not exactly the same as the Chinese word “share”. In the dictionary, “share” means to share with others, but in English, “share” is used to teach children the concept of “take turns”. And it’s not just about letting others play with what you have! I often ask my children to share without noticing that they have to take turns! I was relieved that my child was willing to let go, and that the task was complete, but the child was not at all convinced by such sharing, and she just knew that what was in it for her would never come back? She is willing to let go just because she wants to listen to her mother, but in fact, she has not learned the meaning of sharing at all, because she is not getting the joy of sharing at all! After a few times, she doesn’t even want to invite her friends to play at home anymore! Western sharing is all about “taking turns”! Yes, teachers in Western kindergartens and schools do emphasize the importance of children learning to “share”, and I kept emphasizing this concept in my home childcare training. But that’s because in that environment, all objects and toys are originally shared, and even the attention they receive is shared equally. Western education advocates understanding children’s feelings and respecting their choices, even if they are as close as siblings! If my brother wanted something from my sister, I would never ask my sister to “share” it, instead I would tell my brother, “That’s my sister’s baby, she wants to protect it, she has the right not to share it with you, not everything has to be shared!” Of course, I would also tell my sister. “If you share with your brother today, the next time he has something special he will be willing to share with you too, then you can both play with different things, it’s not bad!” But as for what her final decision is, I respect it and ask my brother to respect his sister’s mood. There is absolutely no forced sharing of a child’s private items! Asking your child to share, asking them to feel what it’s like when others don’t get to share, but who will understand how your child feels when they want to protect their beloved toys? Especially after the child enters the age of 2, began to develop the concept of “affiliation”, all his personal belongings can become an extension of the child’s individual, so the possessiveness is particularly strong, this time forcing them to share toys, is the same as asking her to lend a part of her body to others, not with you to fight! Don’t we also say that “brothers in arms, clear accounts”? Not sharing doesn’t mean you don’t care, but because you care, you don’t force others to share! Please respect your child’s feelings of cherishing things! This is a list from my daughter’s school at the end of 3rd grade. The school arranged a “road safety” activity, asking children to bring their own helmets to school, and children who are willing to lend their scooters or bicycles to others to take turns can also volunteer to bring them to school. If your child doesn’t want to “share” his scooter or bike with others, then don’t bring it! Because in previous years, each student brought his or her own scooter or bike, this year I only glanced at the list to say that we should follow the same procedure, and asked my daughter to prepare which bike to bring. Because I’m afraid that the boys will break it, and some of them are very rude this year! The teacher said you only need to bring it if you want to share it!” (Her weird Chinese grammar made me wonder what that meant.) Yes, baby, you have the absolute right to choose whether or not you want to share your things with others, and everyone else must respect that! When your child doesn’t share, please understand your child’s reasons for not wanting to share, and please respect your child’s love of things. Voice of the child: You all say it’s more fun to play together, but is it really more fun? Things often get broken when we play together! Dads, if you’ve managed to save up and buy a Porsche, you’ll love it, but will you share it with everyone? Moms, if we have a 5-carat diamond ring, wear it on your hand to meet the vanity can, but will want to lend it to others to wear it? (Sorry to use money as an example here, but in a child’s eyes and heart, their beloved things are not measured in money, but are more precious than ever!) Change the practice and don’t abuse the word “share”! So I changed my practice and asked the children to gather their toys before the guests came to the house and told them clearly who the guests would be. If it’s a new friend, what gender and age the guest child is, and then let the children decide which toys they want to play with the guest. As for those toys that are especially precious to them and that they are afraid of being broken by younger children, they should be put in a room where the guests will not go or where they will not be able to get them. At first, the child may be ignorant and say it’s okay, but when they start to play with their toys, they will recoil; otherwise, they will say they won’t share anything and put everything away. As long as they say why, I respect it. But after a few practice sessions, the child learns to love and protect his possessions, and also discovers the joy of sharing, and knows how to take the measure of it. Also, because they are understood and respected, they will be willing to be considerate of others in the future. Because of their parents’ understanding and respect, children will feel secure and will be more willing to obey their parents’ discipline. Many adults abuse the word “sharing” by asking not only their own children to share, but also other children’s children, as if not sharing with your children makes them stingy and uneducated! “Sharing” is a pleasurable feeling, a voluntary act, not an “obligation” or a “right” to ask others! When a child finds out that something will be broken and he won’t be able to play with it anymore, he will know how to give up and learn to cherish it. When children find out that not sharing anything results in boredom and unhappiness, they naturally learn the meaning and significance of sharing. These are the qualities that will be extremely valuable and useful in a child’s future life. These are the realities of life, which cannot be taught by parents alone, but must be experienced by the child himself!