When we graduated, we were at the same starting line, and a few years later, there was a gap between classmates. The reunion of classmates provides an opportunity for horizontal comparison and stimulates an examination of the self. This is a good thing, but many people often have some misconceptions and immature behavior patterns, immersed in a variety of emotions such as complaints, anxiety, hesitation, helplessness, etc. can not extricate themselves. This is the so-called “authorities are lost”. If you can’t effectively control your emotions and correct these misconceptions and immature behavior patterns in time, you can’t get rid of the continuous harm caused by bad emotions to yourself. So, how to get out of the state of “being in charge”? You may find the answer from the analysis of Dr. Huang Jianjun from the psychology department of Beijing An Ding Hospital. Thirty-year-old confusion Jian, male, 29 years old, civil servant: “Thirty and standing” I dare not listen to it because I am ashamed. I’m about to turn 30, I haven’t started a family, I don’t have much savings in the bank, my job is the same as it was five years ago, nothing is “standing” up. The year I graduated from college I got into the state civil service, working in an agency under the State Council. There were many people who envied me, and I felt very good. Civil servants have a high status in society, stable income, and various benefits, I have no reason not to feel good. Whenever I heard others talk about the misery of job hopping, I was secretly proud of my job. If it weren’t for the fact that my girlfriend of many years had left me, I would still be reveling in this aura. My girlfriend reasoned that she needed insightful boyfriends to help her with her work, but five years of day-to-day job content had long since made my brain lazy and mediocre. She didn’t want to be slick enough to squeeze a bus, she wanted a private car, but my salary was too meager to solve the problem, and most importantly, she didn’t see any hope of me being promoted. The departure of my girlfriend gave me a great blow, and I began to think about jumping ship. But in five years, I did nothing but write some repetitive work reports and other things. English has been thrown away, which company is willing to hire me? Comment: In five years, Jian’s career has not changed, the stability of income has not changed, the diversity of benefits has not changed, but the only thing that has changed is Jian’s mood. The only thing that has changed is Jian’s mood. From his initial feeling of self-importance to his current feeling of shame and uncertainty. Why such a change? When he first started working, he felt good about himself because many people envied his career; five years later, his girlfriend was not satisfied with his status, and Jian felt bad about himself. In other words, “others approve me, I approve me, others deny me, I deny me”. This is an immature and harmful to the health of self-worth. The old saying “thirty years old” does not only mean having a family and a career, but more importantly, psychological self-reliance. If Jian becomes psychologically independent, then it will be relatively easy to decide who to have a family with and what kind of career to have. The desire for passion Xiaoyan, female, 28 years old, a website editor: people are like this, with more experience, you will hear the voice of the heart more and more clear, and gradually understand what they want. In the past five years, I have changed four companies and three cities. Now, I just want a job that gives me passion, joy and challenge, and its salary can not be generous. I’ve changed companies a lot, but I’ve always been a web editor. At the beginning, I worked as an editor in a small website, full of curiosity about everything, hanging out on the Internet every day and not thinking about it. After less than half a year, I was tired of this non-stop copy and paste, no creative workflow, so I resigned and left. My friend was working in a famous website in another city, and at that time the website was hiring, he invited me to go over, I like the change of life, so I went. After more than a year of work, he and I quit together, and we both vowed never to work in the site again, to change the industry. We attended various job fairs together, and went to interviews for three days, but came up empty-handed. Work can not have, but the rent had to pay, people also have to eat, we had no choice but to return to the old business. Last year, I resigned again. I came to Beijing, did not find a job for several months, and finally had to apply for a job in a website as an editor. After five years of staring at the computer screen, my glasses deepened by more than 300 degrees, eye drops never stopped, I dreamed of quitting this job. In the current job market, you choose an industry, you are like sitting on a boat drifting downstream, you have no rudder and no opportunity to get off the boat, you can only listen to the boat to take you to a certain place, I hate the feeling of being controlled. Comment: The main character’s work experience reflects a common “circular” employment pattern. That is: in the same career, due to dissatisfaction, and constantly quit and seek jobs, but constantly choose the original career. Describe their situation as: “sitting in a boat drifting downstream, no rudder, no chance to get off the boat”, a feeling of being controlled. Analyzing the dynamics of this employment pattern cycle, there are two objective forces in the main character’s career choice: one is the advantageous force: the experience of working as a web editor, which is always present and continuously enhanced in the cycle; the second is the disadvantageous force: the lack of experience and skills to work in other occupations, which is also always present and continuously enhanced in the cycle. These two forces are intertwined and unconsciously give the main character a sense of control. Once the circular dynamics of the “circular” employment model are clearly understood, it is relatively easy to break the cycle. It is up to the main character to choose whether to make use of his strengths and make continuous progress in his original career, or to compensate for his weaknesses and find another way out. This process of self-analysis, making choices and efforts is not something that is full of passion and challenges? Only the protagonist himself can experience whether it is happy or not. Frog in warm water Ouyang Ye, male, 28 years old, the head of the department: and I joined the company in the same year, many of my colleagues in the second year jumped ship and left. The company is a state-owned enterprise, valued by the leadership, the work is relatively free, good salary, benefits are also very good, I could not give up. Later, I got married and got a house. In the third year there was a good opportunity, but I easily gave up. In the fourth year I wanted to leave, the company said, people can leave, but the house must be returned. I hesitated. The house was not big, but after all, it was my own, and I didn’t have to think about buying a house for quite a long time, which was crucial for me to work for a few years. After weighing the matter, I dismissed the idea of walking away. This year, my wife is pregnant, thinking about the cost of raising a child, I dare not think about quitting. Forget it, just do it in the company, although the company is staged all day long between colleagues, personal play space is also very small, but the salary can still be securely obtained. At this time, the company’s leadership released the word that I do not feel at ease with the work, can not be reused. So, and I have the same seniority, work ability inferior to my people have been promoted, I am still in the original position. Remember an experiment: if you put the frog into boiling water, the frog will pop out at once to escape; if you put the frog into moderately warm water, and then slowly warm the water, the frog in comfort will be unknowingly scalded to death by boiling water. Looking back on five years of work experience, I feel like a frog in warm water. Comment: The work experience of the main character is somewhat representative. When he first joined the workforce, he was reluctant to leave because of the leisure and high benefits of the unit, but later he was constrained by himself and various external factors and could not get away, so his complaints and bitterness accumulated in his heart, which was suffocating. Ouyang Ye described himself as a frog in warm water, which is a very graphic metaphor reflecting his anxious, fearful and helpless psychological state. But he fails to notice that people and frogs are still different. From the main character’s experience, the water temperature is added by himself without his knowledge. There are two lines here: one is that the main character starts from not being able to give up the unit to wanting to leave midway and then not wanting to leave; the other is that the company reappoints the main character from the beginning to not reappointing him later. Is there no connection between these two lines? Obviously, the main character wanted to quit halfway through the practice undoubtedly make their own water temperature rose. Understanding the difference between people and frogs, it is natural to control the temperature of the water at the temperature you like. Whether you choose to be scalded to death by warm water, that is their own business. Learn to see yourself with the “third eye” The above three cases introduce the common irrational beliefs and corresponding immature behavior patterns in the workplace from three aspects. (1) The passive behavior pattern in the case of Jian, his evaluation of himself comes entirely from others, and he does not have correct self-values, and is easily influenced by others, going from one extreme to another. People with this behavior pattern should enhance their self-awareness. It is important to know that others’ opinions are important, but they can only be used as a reference. Being denied by one person is not the same as being denied by all people, and even if everyone is denied, it does not mean that others are necessarily right and you are necessarily wrong. Therefore, people with this behavior pattern should make themselves psychologically and behaviorally self-reliant as soon as possible. (2) Impulsive behavior pattern The main character in the case, Xiaoyan, is obsessed with change and quits when she is not satisfied with her job, thinking that she can find a better job if she quits. Therefore, it is easy to fall into the “cyclical” job search mode. People with this type of behavior pattern should do more research and think more before making a decision, in order to reduce blindness. (3) hesitation-type behavior pattern case of the main character Ouyang Ye, no fixed attitude to their jobs, a while want to quit, and then want to stay, this is a hesitation-type behavior pattern, but also immature. As a result, he could not get rid of the burden of his mind and left an impression of “not at ease with his work” to the unit. He made his work environment very tense, describing himself as: in the water of increasing temperature. In fact, he has mastered the control of the water temperature, the next step should try to regulate the water temperature. No matter what kind of environment, when you feel lost and confused, learn to use the “third eye” to look at themselves, to see if there are misconceptions, there is no immature behavior patterns, if you can often reflect on this to adjust themselves, life will become much easier.