Very often, children’s problems are “created” by parents, you just focus on children’s problems and worry about them, but do not reflect on how you “created” these problems, even if you can suppress a problem for a while, it is not the root cause of the problem, because the root cause of the problem is in The root of the problem is in you, not in the child, and it is impossible to eliminate the child’s problems without changing your inner self. Why do you say so? This is because …… a. Children’s problems are a projection of parents’ internal anxiety Every adult who becomes a parent inevitably has such and such deficiencies in his or her own upbringing, after the birth of a child, it is easy to instinctively project their own dissatisfaction onto the child, it is easy to understand why introverted parents see their children afraid to take the stage It is easy to understand why introverted parents are more likely to be anxious when they see their children afraid to perform on stage, and a parent who has been easily bullied since childhood is more sensitive to the child’s tolerance. Because parents are always anxious about this and that, they can’t help but “look into the eyes” of their beloved children in the areas they are concerned about, and unconsciously look at them with the eyes of a problem, and with the eyes of a problem, what they see is of course a problem, because our attention is on the problem, it is decided that some of the non-problematic In fact, the problem behaviors we focus on are just a projection of our own internal anxiety! If you can’t be aware of this negative projection inside and powerful your own inner strength, then, there are more educational approaches, the child’s problems still keep emerging outward! Second, the child’s problems stem from the parents’ inner fear “problem” behind the child, is often a parent full of fear, insecure about the world, because of the lack of confidence in control of the situation, such parents often want to control everything, can not see the child deviate from their own will, the result is easy to happen two situations Once the fearful parent finds out that the child is not doing what he or she wants, he or she will lose control and think that something is wrong with the child. The other situation is that the child is controlled and obedient, it seems to be in line with the wishes of the parents, but in fact it is not, because the child is growing under the control of the parents and grows up to be what the parents designed, but because the parents themselves are problematic, the child can not be absolutely perfect, there are always such and such problems out. Therefore, if the parents themselves are fearful and controlling, then no matter how the child grows, the parents will always find the problem. Third, what you pay attention to, the child will take what problems to control you A parent to exchange with me child constipation problem, talking about the child in recent years are plagued by constipation status, very frantic, can not control the worry, asked me what to do? My friend’s more specific description of the incident reminded me of my daughter Tong Tong’s constipation experience, because my daughter Tong Tong Tong was plagued by constipation when she was a child, her stool once became a big problem for our whole family, every time we had a bowel movement we had to go out with the whole family to coax and cheat, usually as long as we heard that eating anything good for laxative, we would bring it to try, Chinese and Western doctors have seen, but the results are not very satisfactory, so you can say that the more we put our efforts The more we tried, the worse our little one’s stool became, until we lost our confidence in treatment and had to give up all kinds of carefully arranged medical dietary therapy, who knew that after we stopped caring about this problem, our little one’s constipation unconsciously got better. Combined with some experience from talking to other parents, this experience made me realize that in parenting, the more parents focus on something, the more likely it is for the child to have problems, because the parent’s focus is the best cut-off point for the child to control the parent! When parents are extremely concerned about what, weak children will also slowly find that as long as the parents focus on a little problem, you can make yourself strong, strong enough to fight with mom and dad, not to take advantage of this is strange! So, don’t be surprised that the more parents are concerned about their children’s eating problems, the more their children’s eating becomes a problem, and the more they are concerned about their children’s grades, the more likely their children’s grades are to drive people crazy. I told that parent this truth, she dawned on me: “I used to be weak, afraid of adding pressure to her, after school I turned to remind, slowly developed into intimidation, because she loves to eat, and then into intimidation plus temptation, recently I can’t carry on about this, often when she said to pull and can’t pull out, to her angry. It seems I was wrong and should go back to the beginning!” Fourth, excessive attention is a kind of pressure that makes the child out of order due to anxiety There is an example that may sound a bit tragic, but is a real situation in a close friend’s family. This friend, because of the fear of not raising a successful child, from childhood very concerned about the child’s learning, concern to the point of almost strict, the child even if the test a 99 points, will also be scolded, in order to give the child a study environment as superior as possible, from childhood to adulthood, are entrusted to let the child on the best school, high pressure, the child is also very competitive indeed, until high school, has been at the top of the class, but on the After high school, when a friend gave him a high school preparatory class because he wanted his child to study abroad, under pressure, the child suddenly had a problem —– serious anxiety, afraid to look up at people, always feel that others look down on him, always lowered his head, look dull, talk to him he also did not respond, had to suspend school. During this time when the child was out of school, the friend who loved her child realized the seriousness of the problem and sought treatment everywhere. In a family system alignment therapy session, the child finally said what was on his mind: “If it’s better to keep your head down and be happier, it’s better to keep your head down.” Clearly, the child’s somatization symptoms were an escape from the stress of school! Therefore, the most fundamental thing to change a child’s “problematic” behavior is not to learn specific ways to do it, but to change the parents themselves. Therefore, the most fundamental thing to change a child’s “problem” behavior is not to learn specific methods of operation, but to change their own parents, parents themselves are strong inside, so that they do not project too much fear in their children, and do not need to control their children to get a sense of security in control of the situation, see the “problem”, naturally a lot less. Therefore, a wise parent should be a parent who is good at awareness, self-reflection, to be able to detect their own inner fears in time, and find ways to heal themselves, and only first to cultivate their own strong, positive energy will naturally overflow, so that children can be nourished.