What makes parents have to face to educate? 1. Face-saving mentality + fear of making mistakes Chinese people are accustomed to seeing other people’s successes and failures as part of their own, and treating “other people” as part of themselves, so that if other people are good, Ta will have face, and if other people are bad, Ta will not have face. Don’t think it’s funny, this “others” are your own family, close people, especially children, but you may not have reacted. If you say that these people are not “others”, you can only say that you do not know the boundaries of human beings. Yes, the person who carries your genes, who carries your blood, the piece of flesh that fell from your body, is “someone else”. If you can’t accept this, you can’t help but get overly involved in your child’s life because you don’t respect him or her as an individual, a person who exists in the world independently of you, with a mind and a soul of his or her own. Many parents are the ones who see their children as an inseparable part of them from themselves, so when they make a mistake, they feel that a part of their self-esteem has been damaged, commonly known as losing face. When a person is worried that he or she will lose face, Ta will be anxious and do everything in his or her power to maintain his or her face. Therefore, it is not inevitable to be stern. When the child looks at you innocently, you are thinking about how to keep an eye on this little kid who doesn’t know anything, and you follow behind, afraid that if Ta makes a little mistake, you will feel ashamed of yourself. The consequence of linking your face to the behavior of the kid is that you will discipline the kid in order to avoid such shameful feeling. But is it really appropriate for a child to be disciplined in this way? Can you really achieve good results by disciplining them in this way? Not necessarily. Many strict parents are actually quite strict with themselves, and they themselves are very depressed because they are afraid of making mistakes, and therefore, in order to maintain their own sense of perfection, they go to strict requirements for children. 2. Do not understand the psychological laws of the child, the child’s common behavioral problems, in addition to scolding and preaching can not think of other ways In fact, the perfectionist parents may also be able to teach their children well, the reason is to hide their own true intentions, the use of benign and effective methods of educating the child. The method of educating children is actually very important. The psychologist Watson once boasted that given 12 healthy babies and raised them in a special environment set by myself, then I would be willing to vouch for the fact that I could pick any one of them at random and train him to be any kind of expert I chose – a doctor, a lawyer, an artist, a big businessman, or even a beggar or a robber. Although some exaggeration, but this also in turn reminds the parents, even if they boast that the child inherited your good genes, the way you cultivate, will play a huge role in influencing, never just cope with the matter. As the old Chinese saying goes, “teach your child according to his or her aptitude”, in fact, children need to be nurtured not only according to their talents, but also according to their temperament, in a way that suits their age in order to achieve the best results. Whether or not you are able to educate your child in a way that suits your child’s needs may make a huge difference to your child’s eventual development. Which is more favorable to a child’s development: a parent who only knows how to scold and lecture, or a parent who can find the most appropriate way to educate according to different situations? Obviously the latter. As parents, why do some people write parenting tips, while others can only read the parenting tips written by others? This is not only experience, but also a parent in the parenting brain enough, in ordinary life encountered problems whether to deal with positive or negative response. These are the things that parents who are always lecturing their children lack. 3. As a parent’s self-consciousness is not enough, the ability to control their own emotions is not enough Usually when walking on the street, you can often hear mothers with almost reprimanding tone of voice to the child. No matter how much they know in their hearts that their children can not fully comply with their own wishes, but when they come across anxious and tired, the mothers will unconsciously become irritable, and even angry at their children, this mood is not incomprehensible. However, the practice of taking it out on their children can only be described as a slight lack of self-awareness of their role as mothers. Words, depending on how they are used, can be a blade that destroys a child, or they can work their magic to promote a child’s growth. So as a parent, you have to realize that you are a parent only when it comes to your child. No matter whether you are holding back or pleased at work, no matter whether you are a small daughter-in-law or a big head of the big family, no matter whether you think you are grumpy or gentle, in front of the children, you are the father and mother of TA, don’t bring the you at work, the you in the family relationship, and the you who desires to let yourself go, to the children. Because your every move has the potential to have a crucial impact on TA’s life. Some parents have to put on a stern face and be mean to their children because they don’t realize that their emotions are interfering with how they treat their children. Nor do they see anything wrong with teaching their children with their emotions. Although it may be unfair to subject a child to the emotions of an adult. As the saying goes, “Strict teachers make good students,” but is it necessarily impossible to mold a child into an elite person without a stern face? If you don’t have to be strict, what can you do to educate your child? Tips for Parents Parents want their children to make good behaviors and stop bad behaviors, so parental “education” is actually a process of shaping behaviors in psychological terms. Neurologically, the best way to change a behavior is to replace the behavior you don’t want with the behavior you do want. In other words, when your child exhibits behavior that you think is bad, don’t just say “no,” but point out a clear path for him or her to follow. The brain is like a prairie, on which there is already a road from A to B. If you don’t want ta to take this road, you have to hold ta’s hand and take another road that can also go to B. After walking for a long time, the grass of the new road is trampled down, and a new road is formed, while the old road has not been taken for a long time and is covered by the grass that grows up, and then it is invisible. This is how good habits are formed. And this is how the work of parents in shaping behavior should unfold. The best education is the one that doesn’t feel like “education.” Next, let’s get to the point: how can you effectively lead your child down your favorite path? This is where the Behavioral Psychology approach to behavior shaping comes in: punishment and reinforcement. Punishment is when a child stops a behavior, while reinforcement is when a child repeats a behavior and maintains it. The process of shaping behavior can start with punishment and then reinforcement, or it can be done by reinforcing only the good behaviors and ignoring the bad ones, so that the child finds the good behaviors more beneficial and chooses the good ones, allowing the bad ones to subside automatically. However, no child should like to be taken “measures”, so before you take “measures” on the child’s behavior, first let the child feel enough respect, not confrontation, so the first step in shaping the behavior must be: 1. Let the child feel understood In fact, sometimes children already know a lot and they are wise enough to judge, except that sometimes they are still a child who wants to play tricks! Their thought process is even why she chose this time and this thing to play tricks. Therefore, listening is always the first and only way to communicate why your child wants to do this and hear your child’s own reasoning. When they feel they are understood, they may instead be able to stop playing games and follow the rules. It’s always difficult at first, when a child who is always being scolded and threatened, and always told to shut up when he has an opinion, doesn’t feel that the adult really wants to know what he thinks, he either gives in (and the adult thinks he’s finally learned his lesson), or protests even louder and more vehemently. It’s when a child is really respected and finally feels like he matters that TA can act like a person who deserves to be respected deserves to act in a mature and responsible manner. Step 2: Set the rules and show your “measures” (If you don’t set the rules in advance, then when you have a temporary problem, you need to make your reasoning clear, then set a rule based on your reasoning, and make the child accept the rule convincingly). When setting a rule, you should clearly tell your child what you will do if the behavior is wrong. You don’t have to threaten to hit TA, because there are more gentle and effective ways to punish than just scolding and lecturing. There are two types of punishment: positive and negative. ① Positive punishment is the application of a bad stimulus. That is, when the maladaptive behavior to give a method of punishment, often to the other side of an unpleasant stimulus, this stimulus is not necessarily scolding and sermons, but also can be a fine, or on the matter of criticism. For example, if you want to make a child who often lies to correct this behavior, you have to punish him or her when he or she lies, so that he or she will be afraid of lying, and gradually reduce the frequency of lying behavior until it disappears. Another vivid example of positive punishment is an immediate fine for spitting. But the use of positive punishment must pay attention to, what is punished, must let the punished person clearly know, the meaning should be clear, the time should be appropriate, the intensity of the more appropriate to remember the truth that too little is too late. ② Negative punishment Negative punishment is the removal of a good stimulus. This type of punishment is more commonly used than positive punishment. The so-called remove a good stimulus, that is, when inappropriate behavior, no longer give its original reward. For example, a child is playful and often fails to complete his homework. How to correct it? Tell him that he is allowed to watch his favorite book “Journey to the West” only after he finishes his homework, otherwise he is not allowed to watch it. This way he will finish his homework consciously in order to watch his favorite TV. Here’s a mom who is very good at using negative punishment: This mom observed that every time her 6-year-old daughter Yiyi and her friend played together, there was always some kind of friction. To avoid this, before they play, she tells Yiyi that if one of them cries or plays, or if they get into an argument, they are no longer allowed to play together. “No play” is a negative punishment that removes a good stimulus. When I take Yiyi to the park on weekends, my mom also tells her in advance that if she runs too far away from her parents at the playground, she has to leave the playground. “Must leave” also removes a good stimulus and is a negative punishment. This approach works very well for Yiyi, and she follows her mom’s rules every time. Because the child already knows in advance what consequences she will have to bear if she does something wrong, if she does make a mistake, she naturally accepts the “no play” and “must leave” punishment. What if there is no reward that can be withdrawn? A mother came up with a solution: Ms. Yu’s solution is that, in life, parents can deliberately give their children some privileges, such as watching his favorite cartoons, playing with toys, etc., when the child has a bad behavior, parents can take away this privilege. Her punishment for her son Lele is to take away the “privilege”. 5-year-old Lele especially likes to read books, Ms. Yu said, if the storybook is taken away before nap time or at night before bedtime, this is the biggest punishment for him, but this punishment must be told to the child in advance. Ms. Yu’s experience is that when bedtime comes every night, she stacks the books Lele likes to read and tells him, “If you brush your teeth, wash up and go to bed on time, then you can read these books.” If Lele doesn’t cooperate once, she takes away a book. However, the author wants parents to need to be careful not to take away too many privileges at once, and the time of taking away privileges should not be too long. Otherwise it is not punishment but depriving the child of love, and the child may lack a sense of security if the punishment is too severe. There is another father who is good at using positive punishment: Zhou Bing’s family has a “ticket” on the wall for his child’s bad behavior. His child is 6 years old and already has the sense to buy his favorite toys with his own money. Zhou Bing gave his child this table, explaining how much the fine for each type of bad behavior. For example, the fine for not going to bed on time is one dime; for throwing toys, the fine is one dime; and for fighting with peers, the fine is five dimes. If your child gets into a fight or swears, have him turn in his fine and put it in a pre-prepared fine storage jar. What if you can’t think of a punishment at the moment? Ask your child what he or she thinks will happen if the offense is repeated. Your child can give you ideas and is more likely to accept a punishment that he or she suggests. After you’ve talked about punishment, don’t forget to talk about rewards. Rewards and punishments are more motivating. Reinforcement is the reinforcement of a child’s good behavior and can be divided into positive and negative reinforcement: ① Positive Reinforcement Positive reinforcement is the giving of a good stimulus. Positive reinforcement is the giving of a good stimulus. In order for a child to establish an adaptive pattern of behavior, the pattern is repeated and maintained by the use of rewards. Rewards can be given in the form of favorite objects, tokens, money, smiles, nods, praise and commendation. The dad above, who loves to use positive punishment and give his son a ticket, can actually use both positive punishment and positive reinforcement together, fining his child for bad behavior and giving him a bonus for good behavior. Negative Reinforcement Negative reinforcement is the opposite of positive reinforcement and refers to the removal of a bad stimulus. Negative reinforcement is the opposite of positive reinforcement and involves the removal of a bad stimulus that was created to trigger the desired behavior. For example, if an older child still sucks his fingers, what can parents do to help him break this bad habit? From a negative reinforcement point of view, this means that the child should be reprimanded for the finger-sucking behavior as soon as it occurs, and the criticism should stop as soon as the child stops sucking his or her fingers. Over time, the frequency of finger-sucking behavior will gradually decrease and disappear. Incentives are not the same as punishments. Because non-specific rewards such as smiles, nods, and no more criticism are less likely to be spoken, it is better to let the child discover these non-material rewards on his own. 3.Third step: constantly adhere to, constantly give the child confidence behavioral psychology says, develop a good habit to 21 days, and let a good habit firmly down, need at least three months. It’s a constant battle, so parents should never give up halfway through the process, or else all their efforts will be lost. Changing a behavior requires more than just persistence on the part of the parent; the child is the real party involved. It is also the child who struggles the most with the process of change. Adults can see how painful it is for them to change a bad habit and understand how painful it is for the child. Therefore, it is important for parents to keep cheering their children on and giving them high hats during the process of change so that they know they can do it. I like what a psychologist said, “We should be in awe of our child’s struggles and accompany him, not to do anything about it much less interfere, so that he will develop the courage to discover his own strength to cope with his problems and allow his abilities to be fully developed. When he succeeds in doing this alone, he will have more confidence in himself.” There is another way to inspire confidence in a child, besides encouraging the child: let TA see that his peers who are not similar to him can also do this thing, so that the child can observe and learn from his peers, and this method can also give confidence to the child, or it is a kind of provocation. At a potluck dinner, Xiaodong did not eat properly when he came to the table, but came up and went down at the same time, playing and eating at the same time. Instead of scolding him, his mother called up another child to sit with him and eat with him. In this way, Xiaodong watched the other children eating and ate all the food in the bowl in a while. Instead of punishing him, the mother thought it would be better to change the dining environment, mobilize everyone’s enthusiasm for eating, form a more enthusiastic dining atmosphere, and use this atmosphere to infect the child and divert his attention to the matter of eating. However, in the use of stimulation, do not say “how you can not”, which is to blame, but to say “he is good, you are better than him, so you are good” which is to encourage. Precautions for Behavior Shaping: ① Timeliness Timely correction is very necessary, because in the mind of the child, the cause and effect of things are closely related, the younger the younger the more so. If things are punished after a long time has passed, or if several things are added together in a lecture, the child will not be clear about what he or she did wrong and why he or she was punished. Parents need to let the child know in time that he or she is being punished for a specific incident or behavior, and at the same time let the child know that he or she is still a good child and that his or her parents still love him or her. This is the true purpose of punishment. If you don’t want your child to eat the candy, take it away, don’t put it in front of him and forbid him to eat it. Parenting methods: Don’t act according to experience, don’t listen to the words of one family, reflect often, and don’t be afraid to make mistakes. If parents insist too much on their own way of parenting, they will gradually become narrow in their vision. It is important to keep a cool head and look at your child’s education from an objective point of view. If you can always calm down and think again, you will find many things that have been overlooked and ignored. These previously unnoticed and attention to detail, in the future education will play an unexpected role. When the author lists these methods one by one, some people may become overly focused on the details of the method itself because they are nervous, and even if it is a small failure, they will be overly critical of themselves and doubt their own ability. In fact, there is no need to worry so much. We human beings have some ability to recover ourselves, and this ability is the same in children. One or two failures will not cause an irreparable blow to the child. On the contrary, the most important thing is to learn from failure. Failure is inevitable in the process of educating children, and there is no need to be overly concerned about it; it is important to learn from the experience of failure to improve the quality of education and promote the growth of children. After all, whenever we realize that it is too late, in fact, is often the earliest time, fear is afraid of knowing that there is a mistake, but not to change for the rest of their lives.