Don’t Betray Your Children A girl once talked to me about how she had an imperfect mother. She told me many stories about how she was mentally abused as a child by her mother who neglected, beat and humiliated her. Recalling the sad past made her very sad and she cried as she talked. Later, I introduced her to a book called “The Gift of Imperfection” for her reference. Accepting her own imperfections and accepting that she had an imperfect mother is the first step to healing. When she talked to me again, as soon as she sat down, she couldn’t wait to share what she had read with me. She told me that she went back that day and bought the book. Last week, she cried as she read it, and many of the stories in it touched her. “Especially when I read the last story told by the author of The Gift of Imperfection, I let go and cried on the spot.” She said. Curious about what story touched her, I asked her to elaborate. “It was when the author, Brown, wrote that one day she was shopping for shoes at a department store with her eight-year-old daughter, and it turned out that the counter selling the shoes was playing a pop song at the time, and her daughter actually danced on the spot (her daughter was a very free-limbed child).” “Just then, there happened to be three noblewomen next to the counter who also came to buy shoes with their children at the same time, and they all stared at her daughter’s strange machine dance. The author noticed the expressions on the faces of the people next to her, not of admiration, but of embarrassment for her daughter. She was also super embarrassed at the time.” “When the little girl next to the noblewoman was mingling and probably saying something to make fun of her daughter, her daughter was at a loss for words, her body froze, she suddenly stopped and looked at the author with eyes that seemed to ask, ‘Mommy, what do I do next?’ Unexpectedly, the author looked at her daughter and said: ‘You can add the scarecrow’s movements into it!’ So the daughter continued her dance happily.” “From that moment on, the author never took her eyes off her daughter as she watched her improvisation from the sidelines. The author said she didn’t want to ‘betray’ her daughter and she chose to be on her side. When I read this, I let out a cry.” The book goes on to say that in the first moments, when she saw people pointing and talking about her daughter, the author, Brown, who was also super embarrassed, said that in the past, she would have absolutely glared at her daughter as hard as she could and said, “Come on, don’t be so melodramatic, okay?” But she knew that if she did that, she would be “betraying her daughter and saving herself.” Thank God I didn’t react that way,” she says in her book. Giving Children Love and Trust Because Brown has focused on the topic of shame for several years, she knows exactly when shame comes into play, both for herself and for others. Shame stems from “imperfection”. Our culture wants us to be perfect, and when we don’t meet that standard, when we are not perfect, shame sets in. In order to be perfect, we “limit” ourselves to a box of calmness, self-control, and fear of being wrong. The author of the book says, “When we prioritize calmness and control over allowing ourselves to be passionate, to be funny, to be genuine, to express our true selves, we are betraying ourselves. When we betray ourselves over and over again, we betray those we love.” I thanked the girl for sharing this great story with me, and then, I asked her, “Can I know why this story touched you so much and made you cry?” Jade told me that since she was a little girl, she had rarely experienced her parents being “on her side” or supporting her, and what she had experienced was almost always “betrayal” from her parents. She cited an example: once in elementary school, she and her classmates quarreled in the classroom, which was seen by the teacher, who called her to the office, and without saying a word, accused her of having a bad attitude, saying that she shouldn’t be so loud, and asked her to apologize to her classmates. In fact, it was her classmates who bullied her first and stole her pencil. The teacher’s accusation made her feel very aggrieved. When she went home, she told her father about her grievances, but she didn’t expect him to say, “How dare you say something so humiliating as quarreling with a classmate and being scolded by a teacher!” On the spot, she felt as if she had been heavily slapped. Heart, it hurt. “My father betrayed me,” she said, “My father’s betrayal is far more painful and heartbreaking than the pain of being bullied by classmates and wronged by teachers.” Not only that, but so did my mother. She gives another example. In junior high school, there was a meal in the restaurant, that gathering was with aunts, aunts, cousins, cousins a bunch of relatives and friends dinner, we happily ate while chatting, halfway through the meal, talking about the child’s homework, the mother suddenly in front of the crowd said to Xiaoyu, “Look at the cousins, cousins, how great, they are all admitted to the Jianzhong, Beiyi girls, which is like you so stupid and do not study hard, I’m going to see you can get into the I think you’ll be laughing if you can get into King Beauty Middle School.” She hated to have a hole in the ground to go into, and was so ashamed that she blushed and couldn’t eat anymore. This was her mother’s betrayal. She went on to add, “Ever since I was a child, no matter what I did or said was wrong, my mother rarely affirmed me. What I used to experience most often was that at the dinner table, when I was in the middle of a speech, my mother would kick me hard from under the table to stop me and tell me to stop. Every time I was kicked, I was terrified, and I finally realized why I had always been afraid of making mistakes and had always been insecure.” Yikes, what a painful realization. What many parents may not realize is this: a child’s heart is fragile; a child’s heart is made of glass and breaks easily. All children have an ideal expectation of their parents (which we can over-glorify) and expect to be pampered and accepted. And so, as soon as they experience malicious, unkind treatment from their parents, the child immediately feels hurt, feels betrayed. This is a very real feeling. And, what’s worse, this hurt feeling stays in the memory for the rest of the child’s life, unless you turn around and free yourself from the shame of the moment. A parent told me that when she was a child, her mother took her and her brother to the movies. When they arrived at the movie theater, her mother didn’t want to buy a ticket because she was poor, but at that time, an adult could only take one child to see a movie for free, so her mother chose to take her brother in, and then told her, “Go home by yourself.” Her mother’s patriarchy hurt her, and she said that later she ran home in tears, then lay in bed and cuddled under the quilt and cried bitterly all night. It was an unforgettable betrayal. Another partner told me that once when she was a child she was playing with her younger sister, and they were grabbing a doll, and halfway through the grabbing, she thought, “I’d better let my sister have it.” So she suddenly let go of her hand, only to have her sister fall on the spot and hit her head on the wall. It just so happened that her dad was there and heard her sister crying, and without saying a word he rushed over and threw her (this partner) into the couch, where she was knocked head over heels and cried out in pain. Apologize for your betrayal These stories are told because many parents can hurt their children “unintentionally” without even realizing it. I know you don’t mean to, but a parent’s word or action can be magnified and interpreted in the eyes of the child. Children are very sensitive, please be careful with your language, I often tell many parents this. In fact, none of us are perfect. If you have ever hurt your children by accident, and made them hurt, cry, or feel betrayed, please apologize to them without saying a word. An “I’m sorry, please forgive me” will immediately heal your child’s wounds. If you still can’t say it (to save face), it’s okay, but at least say in your heart the four words from Zero Limits: “I love you, thank you, I’m sorry, please forgive me.” A small apology or amends can mean a lot to a child because inside is love, and love is healing.