I. What is social phobia?
Social fear, or social anxiety, is an emotional experience that feels unnatural and stressful when interacting with people. First, a brief list of some specific manifestations.
1, fear of contact with strangers, even on the phone.
2.Uncomfortable in places where there are more people.
3, fear of speaking on stage, fear of being the center of attention.
4, always feel that someone is paying attention to your every word and action.
5, the face of leadership, superiors especially nervous.
6, the face of the female (male) God heart rate, breathing difficulties, confused thinking, confusion, dry mouth.
Of course, the generalization is not comprehensive enough, there is also a degree of the problem, after all, there is a saying: put aside the dose to talk about toxicity is a rogue.
In a nutshell, it is the unnatural, nervous or even fearful performance when in unfamiliar situations and facing authority that causes distress in our lives.
The causes of social fear are diverse, including negative emotional experiences during growth, cognitive biases and low self-esteem, etc. Here we first need to understand two basic concepts.
1.Fear
Fear, is a more advanced animals have an instinctive emotion, not just unique to humans, but other animals fear more direct, low-level, is nothing more than the fear of death, specifically in the face of natural enemies, the face of unknown phenomena, the face of wildfire and lightning and other things that may bring death to make a violent retreat reaction. The generation of fear is very important for the survival of the species and is a more advanced and malleable way of avoiding danger.
Human fear still retains some essential things, for example, no matter how strong the atheist in the dark and gloomy environment, in the face of a cemetery or a corpse will still feel fear, this fear is inherited instinct, in the dark and gloomy place you can not judge the security, corpses mean death, and the so-called ghosts and gods are only people for their own fear of the excuse.
However, humans have evolved with a more developed brain, language skills and civilization, which makes our fear mechanism more complex and intelligent, with greater plasticity, even beyond the realm of conditioned reflexes, specific concepts.
(1) influenced by emotional experience, cognitive assessment.
(2) Can be derived from verbal communication or culture.
(3) The object of fear extends from existential threats to negative emotions, negative experiences in memory, etc.
(4) Triggers behavioral responses other than reflexive avoidance.
For example, when we are infants, our fear of loud noises triggers a violent response – crying out, or running if we can – but as we gain experience and cognitive ability, we no longer feel fear when we encounter noises, and even if we do, the behavior triggered is to identify and judge the source of the sound Or anticipate the event, or just curse.
Another example is that when you were young and ignorant, you did not have the courage to confess your love to the class flower in front of the whole class, and was rejected on the spot, the scene was extremely embarrassing, you could not wait to find a hole in the ground, have such an experience, you still dare to confess your love in public? These things we do not even need to personally experience, relying on rational cognitive assessment or the transmission of other people’s experience can have the same effect, so that we do not need to think in the encounter of similar situations can avoid similar behavior.
So the first thing we need to understand is that our fear is instinctive and is sent by God to guard our little angel to prevent us from dying (God is really worried); our little angel is also constantly learning and optimizing.
2, low self-esteem
Low self-esteem is a more complex emotion, specifically manifested by belittling ourselves, focusing on our own shortcomings, and believing that we are inferior to others. Low self-esteem on the one hand will serve as the driving force to improve ourselves, on the other hand, it will lead us to lose courage and stagnation.
One of the reasons for the formation of low self-esteem is the lack of identity, for example, during childhood parents are too demanding, expectations are too high, like to compare with others or not good at expressing identity and love, so that we have defects in self-perception, habitually think that they are not good, they are worse than others; another example is due to their own defects or social family factors long-term rejection by classmates, ridicule caused by low self-esteem, etc..
This explains why some people who are superior in the eyes of others have low self-esteem, while some people who are obviously defective are very confident.
In general, low self-esteem is a kind of pessimistic consciousness, a kind of self-perception bias, and is also the main cause of social fear.
Second, the root cause of social fear
We have talked a lot about fear, so here you can guess what I am going to say. Yes, I am going to say that social fear is also an instinct, the root of which is our fear mechanism. Why do you say so?
1, the normal self-protection mechanism
Think back, our social fear in what specific areas? Is it that we get nervous and scared in unfamiliar situations, when facing strangers and authority figures? We have already understood our fear mechanism, so what exactly are we afraid of in these situations?
Facing someone you are unfamiliar with and you have no way to judge what will happen when you engage with them, or you believe based on your own experience and cognitive assessment that there is a high probability that the stranger is unfriendly, when you have to engage with him, fear and withdrawal will arise. Similarly, when we face the leader, we will be worried about performance, will not be reprimanded; when facing the teacher, will think about the recent old skip class will not fail my subject; when facing the object of their favorite, will be entangled in their own dress talk or something. It is these perceptions or ways of thinking that cause us to fear and withdraw, which is a normal self-protection mechanism.
2, cognitive bias
Earlier we talked about social fear belongs to a normal self-protection mechanism, of course, does not mean that social fear is normal, this mechanism is normal, abnormal place is in our cognition, such as the same face a stranger, in my cognition, most people are friendly, even if not friendly will not easily hurt me, or I judge by his words and actions he is a very good to get along Then I will not have any pressure to say hello to him. From my own point of view, if I think I am handsome and suave, I won’t be nervous about hitting on girls. So there is a problem of cognitive bias that causes social fear, and we still need to discuss it in points.
(1) cognitive bias caused by emotional experiences, referred to as psychological shadows.
This happens mostly in childhood, when our minds are still pure as snow. It is our emotional experience that shapes our cognition, and our cognition influences the fear mechanism.
(2) Inferiority complex
We have already analyzed the inferiority complex. The bias in our perception of self makes us think too lowly of ourselves, and we are afraid to face others with a self that we cannot accept, subconsciously thinking that others will think as lowly of us as we do. Or we experienced too much blame and rejection as a child, so that we have a natural fear of crowds and authority (the epitome of our parents), such fear is no longer so directed, and it is difficult to feel clearly what exactly you are afraid of, because those memories are too long ago, those emotional experiences become blurred, but the mechanism of fear does not disappear, you will still fear and avoid as you did when you were a child.
(3) Unreasonable social expectations
Many times we are afraid of contact with some people, precisely because we have unreasonable expectations of these contacts, think back to my friend who is not good height, why live so comfortable? Because he never expected others to ignore his height, we are short ah! Afraid of goddesses dislike their ugly? Think rationally first, you are really ugly? She is that kind of person? If so, it will really dislike you, and you can not avoid it.
Third, how to overcome social fear?
Then I will first talk about my method, but also from several aspects.
1, recognize the facts
Want to comfort yourself, go to see chicken soup, want to solve the problem, from the actual. So I want to start from the perspective of recognizing the facts, to talk about some methods, or separate to talk about.
(1) face up to fear
Fear is inherent, is a self-protection mechanism, the face of fear we do not run away, do not restrain, but to accept fear. When you are afraid, no matter how much you restrain and how much you cheer yourself up, you will still be afraid, it is inevitable.
When facing a leader, stop and feel the fear inside you – will he lecture me? Have I behaved well lately? The last time I made tea for him, I spit into the cup on purpose, will he kill me if he finds out?
Face the fear, accept it, analyze it rationally, and act rationally
(2) Facing up to human nature
There are many things that people do not want to admit that do exist, you do get hurt, you can observe more children, when they are not yet bound by upbringing and culture, is the most reflective of the original nature of human beings. The children in my eyes, naive, kind and also group to bully, laugh and reject their peers, these are what we look like when we leave civilization behind. So why have moral laws, why educate yourself this way and that way, this is to compensate for the aspects of our nature that are not suitable for continued development and progress.
So I won’t tell you just to comfort you: go say hello to someone, no one will ignore you; go ask that girl for a weibo, people won’t be so cold; show yourself boldly, no one will laugh at you. Or: So what if I reject you? So what if they laugh at you? So what if I look down on you? And will not lose a piece of meat, do not care about other people’s views, clouds.
Saying such things is very irresponsible, not everyone will be friendly to you, people can not care about the views of others, how to judge these things, can only rely on their own, I just recommend that everyone, rational, objective.
(3) face up to the excellence of others
We need to be sincere with ourselves, do not run away from these facts, there will be many people in this world than you are excellent, there will be many people born superior to you, this is inescapable problem, those in high positions, those social elite, are very good people, through their own efforts to achieve that kind of achievement, the leader in front of you, is one level higher than you, perhaps more than your efforts, perhaps older than you The leader in front of you is a level higher than you, perhaps harder than you, perhaps older than you, even if it is a silly Ⅹ by the back door when the leader, are in charge of you.
This is all true, can not be denied and do not need to deny. We do not because others are good and inferior and fear, inferiority and fear is something that originates from within, we feel inferior in the face of good people, because we think we deserve to be that way and in fact is not, is not accepting of themselves; we are nervous and fearful in front of the authority, because we are afraid of being ridiculed or rejected because of their own shortcomings.
For example, a girl will feel inferior in front of her classmates who are prettier and better born than she is, but when she is fortunate enough to face a celebrity idol who is prettier and carries a myriad of haloes? Is not instead not inferior? For example, I face my age entrepreneurs or career is very promising peers, I will feel inferior, but I am facing Steve Jobs, Mast, Ma Yun it? Or Xi Dada? I still inferior? This is a good illustration of the problem, we do not accept ourselves, think they should be more beautiful and more successful that self, so when facing such people will be inferior, but we do not have the luxury of hope that they should be like the current Ma Yun, President Xi, so in front of such people, we only accept themselves.
2.Recognize the self
Recognize the facts, followed by recognizing yourself. After all, low self-esteem and fear are things that originate from the inside, and starting from the inside will be better for solving problems. Let’s discuss it in several points.
(1) Accept yourself and appreciate yourself
About low self-esteem, we have repeatedly talked about many, we should also have a deeper understanding of low self-esteem. It is only logical that overcoming low self-esteem is a matter of accepting yourself.
You may not look good, not tall, not handsome, or not smart. But, honey, look at me and listen to me: it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault! Honey, it’s not your fault. Why must you demand to be beautiful? Is it not yourself if you’re not pretty enough? So next time, get up the courage and look in the mirror and say out loud: I’m not pretty! I’m not pretty! I’m not pretty!
Accept yourself first, no matter what aspect of yourself you are not satisfied with.
To add to this, it is important to accept your own shortcomings first, do not try to use their strengths to comfort the weaknesses, that is counterproductive. Because we are ourselves, why must be excellent? Use a literary girl like words: I’m lucky to get, I’m lucky to lose.
Reasonable social expectations have been said earlier, unreasonable social expectations is a major factor in causing social fear, so accordingly, is to have reasonable expectations, which is also based on the recognition of the facts, we need to determine whether their expectations are reasonable through their own judgment.
3, the necessary social skills
(1) Maintain your own kindness and enthusiasm, and manage your own image
Is our world big? Is our circle big? In our lives, all kinds of people are touching around, you can guarantee that someone you have hurt, will not encounter your cherished friends later?
From two perspectives, one is that one of your actions reflects a pattern of behavior, meaning that you may be aware of a certain behavior to hurt people, but you do not know how many people are hurt when you are not aware. The second is the so-called three people become a tiger (inappropriate, we understand it), emotions are infected with each other, a person does not like you will affect several people’s view of you.
These two points also apply to the good side, if you sincerely and genuinely good to people (of course, do not need to deliberately to please who), over time you will find that there are many people who first met you will be very enthusiastic about you, the reason one is your personality by word of mouth, or face to face; two is to maintain kindness and enthusiasm, over time will form a temperament, so that people a contact to feel out your friendliness. This is what I have been insisting on myself, so I am also super good people ha.
(2) become an interesting person
This does not need to say much, who does not like to hang out with funny guys? Then, the quality of humor seems to be very mysterious, not every day brush paragraph can be brushed out. In fact, the key lies in their own state of mind, think about it, a person in a good mood, relaxed and happy, talking about the natural playful humor.