Lying in the hospital bed, looking at the ceiling, looking at the bottle full of medicine, you will have a kind of call the day does not answer, call the ground does not work feeling of helplessness, despair and even sadness. I feel that time has passed so long. I turned off my phone and did not contact anyone. I do not talk to myself and do not allow others to talk, the TV is not turned on, just lying quietly in bed, a little movement, it feels every muscle is sore. When it was time to eat, my sister asked me what I wanted to eat, and I said I didn’t want to eat anything. At that time, your brain rejects all the food in the world, and it is disgusting to see, let alone eat. When people are eating, you want to beat them up. So my sister ate outside the ward in the hallway. I didn’t eat anything until the eighth day. Once a person loses his appetite, loses interest in all the food in the world, and even sees nausea, it can be very scary. You will feel that living is lifeless and meaningless. Of course one lives not only to eat, but it would be so painful to live without being able to eat. At that time, the only way to release the pain was to cry, lying in bed with tears flowing. I don’t know how many times I cried during the whole chemotherapy. My husband also cried with me. But in front of others I still had to smile. At that time, many friends and colleagues went to see me. I acted very optimistic. They asked me that it was painful to play chemotherapy, right? I said it was not painful at all, I was using imported drugs with few side effects, but in fact it was painful to my heart. Director Tian checked the room, so I asked him why it was so painful! He said we doctors are also trying to alleviate the pain of patients through various drugs, especially like hair loss, many people are researching and exploring, until now there is no good way, so we have to give up. I understand, the pain can only be endured. At that time, I especially hated the doctors, thinking that if there was no way to treat cancer, you should just give up, and why did you use chemotherapy drugs to destroy the patients? I also hated the one who discovered chemotherapy drugs. It is said that it was discovered through mustard gas during World War II. If this drug had not been discovered we would not have suffered so much! It’s not a cure, it’s a pest. This is not a hospital, it reminds me of the concentration camps on TV. The first thing I did when I got home after a course of treatment was to open my computer and find out what Jianze and Cisplatin really are. I was even more disappointed when I found out that the efficacy rate of Kinze + Cisplatin for lung cancer was 44.4%. The five-year survival rate for advanced lung cancer is 1 percent. I have suffered so much and spent so much (not to mention the financial cost) for an unknown life-extending number. I wondered every day whether it was worth it, whether it was cost-effective, and whether I should fight again. My husband said, “You have to fight, you are the 1% that survived, I can only think so, what else can I do? The only consolation was the mutual concern and comfort among the patients in the hospital. I had all kinds of specialties they brought from home by my bedside. Many of them have had chemotherapy before, so they told me how to relieve the pain of radiotherapy, what food is good to eat, etc. They also went to the small pharmacy at the entrance to buy Chinese medicine to drink, but it didn’t work, it was just a psychological effect, if it worked, the doctor would have let us eat it. Lying on that narrow bed for a day of infusion, I never wanted to sleep on it at night. Buy the kind of foam blocks to lay on the floor, on top of the rented mat and then lay the quilt, sleep on the floor. In fact, you can not sleep, one is uncomfortable, but the mouth is very dry, constantly drinking water, and then the ward is too noisy, where the sound insulation of the house is poor, the next door and the corridor snoring noisy you can not sleep, so to the eighth day in the afternoon after the infusion, you will rush to leave that painful place to go home. Chemotherapy is so painful why many people who have had chemotherapy many times ask to play again. I didn’t understand it at that time, but now I understand some of it. When the whole chemotherapy was over, that is, a month or so, everything else except the hair felt normal again, like being reborn, especially the appetite, feeling that everything in the world was delicious, and life had become incredibly good. This came after extreme pain, and you mistakenly thought that the chemotherapy drugs brought it to you, so you wanted to cling to this feeling, especially afraid of losing it. It is actually the recovery of your own body.