Self-reported by the visitor
Jia Ming, male, 37 years old. He graduated from a famous university in the U.S. He has a happy family after marriage, and the couple is loving and devoted to their relationship. After returning to work in China, he was rehired by the company and achieved remarkable results in his work. But he recently had a let him can not get rid of the trouble: “nearly 10 years my trouble began, in daily life, I always find a self-perceived better women, immediately produce a kind of can be said to be “love” good feeling it, and can not control the whole body hot blush, heart beating wildly The feeling of love at first sight is clearly that of young people who are shy, nervous and afraid to look at each other. But my wife is smart and beautiful, considerate and wise, I have been deeply attached to her, I hate how I can have feelings of love for the opposite sex other than my wife!
I feel sorry for my wife who loves me so much, and at the same time I am afraid that this feeling will be discovered and that I will see this woman again! But this is either my co-workers or upstairs and downstairs neighbors (some are of the opposite sex who have never spoken to each other), often to meet ah.
For more than 10 years, I have had these people in my life constantly, but once my feelings for this person dwindle away (usually after moving or returning home from abroad to change my environment), I can usually always find another person around me who makes me feel that way out again. Every day, no matter where I am or what I’m doing, when I close my eyes and open them, I think of this woman extremely strongly, and I feel that strong feeling that kills me. Every day, I was so intensely concerned about it that I couldn’t eat or sleep well, and it seriously affected my life and work. I changed my job from home to abroad and from abroad to home in order to get rid of it, but I still couldn’t control it. This bad consciousness kept appearing and never fading away, tormenting me for a long time in good and bad times.”
”There is another strange phenomenon that baffles me is that the woman who makes me feel bad “love” must be older than me! There was a colleague for many years of female colleagues, has not let me nervous and blushing feeling, I have always felt that she is less than me, one day many colleagues together at dinner, learned that her age than I am also a year older, instantly I almost dare not look her in the eye! I can’t control the whole body rolling red, heart beating wildly, shy, nervous, in front of her I was like a young girl in the beginning of love, pregnant in March as restless.
That time my colleagues were very strange about my sudden change of expression. Most of the objects that I have this feeling are more successful, thrifty, women with expertise, but not necessarily in every aspect, not even beautiful. There are many times when I think about the fact that the other person is very ordinary and not beautiful, but it just makes me feel that way. But the other party must be older than me, nearly 10 years never younger than my age of the opposite sex to make me blush feeling.”
”Finally, it’s worth mentioning: the creation of these objects is sometimes instantaneous, and getting rid of it is sometimes instantaneous. Once it passes, I find myself really funny and much feel not worth the pain for it. But once it appears, it is extremely painful! I am a social person, a lifetime, I will meet many friends of the opposite sex, but one of these friends will always make me inexplicably upset! I think I was asking for it, and once there is no such feeling at some point, how happy I will be for myself, I am happy every day. I’m not sick or in pain myself, but why do I have to suffer so much more than sickness!
I would love to have expert guidance, help and treatment so that I could be enlightened and get rid of the trouble I don’t deserve, but I don’t know how to face it, I need a life of physical and mental health.”
Childhood upbringing: “When I was a child, my parents both worked in different places and lived apart for almost 6 years, and my sister and I lived with my grandparents. When I was about 6 years old, my father was transferred to my mother’s unit and the family was reunited. Even during the days when my parents were separated, I felt that my childhood was a happy one because of their unfailing care. My parents were loving, but arbitrary and stubborn toward my sister and me, and when I was young I thought I would never be that way with my own children.
My mother, a doctor, was a very hard-working, frugal person who, despite always being financially well off, saved as much as she could, never spent a penny, valued family life so much that she could sacrifice everything for her family. Although she was not good at making friends, she also liked to talk to people. Because of her lifelong dedication, I love and obey her very much. My father is an accountant, straightforward, loves to lose his temper, writes everything on his face, but says it all, never holds a grudge, is dependent, and has a very good relationship with my mother.”
Psychological analysis
This is a real internal struggle, conflict and pain. Thanks to the visitor’s trust to let me enter his inner world, so that I have the opportunity to share his hidden heart journey with him. Love is different from intimacy, it is more of a physical reaction.
Jia Ming’s reaction when he saw the woman who caused him pain, such as the uncontrollable blushing, heart beating wildly, shyness, nervousness, not daring to look at each other, etc., we cannot deny that it was indeed a feeling of love and a physiological reaction. But what we want to know is why the object of his love has so many strange characteristics? Why did his love cause him so much pain? Why is his love impossible to get rid of and control no matter what?
Age itself cannot make people feel moved and love, but this phenomenon happened to Jia Ming shows how complex and incomprehensible the human psyche is. But Jia Ming’s feelings are always for someone older than himself, for example, when Jia Ming learns that his female colleague is older than himself, he suddenly feels nervous and excited, but this incredibly shows that Jia Ming’s feelings of love are indeed due to his age.
How can we explain this inconsistency? Human beings have a powerful ability to deal with contradictions and conflicts, and this process is not realized or felt by the individual. Individuals will use a lot of psychological defense mechanisms to deal with their own internal conflicts and anxiety, one of the effective way, replacement refers to something caused by strong emotions and impulses can not or can not directly vent to this object, it is moved to another safer object to reduce the mental burden to achieve psychological peace.
Such as a lost love of a man how can not let go of his long-haired ex-girlfriend’s deep love, since he saw long-haired women will have an inexplicable good feeling. So is love. Then we have reason to believe that what makes Jia Ming feel love is not the real age itself, but the other person represented by the age characteristic, age is just a substitute and symbol. This explains the paradoxical phenomenon of age producing love feelings.
So who is the real person? If one is familiar with his childhood upbringing, who wouldn’t think of his frugal doctor mother, given that most of the objects Jia Ming had such feelings for were more successful, frugal, and specialized women? Not to mention that liking older members of the opposite sex is itself one of the key features of the Oedipus complex.
If Jia Ming really loves his mother, those women who can not get rid of the feelings of love that make him turn out to be nothing more than a substitute for his mother, then it may make many people disgusted and disgusted. Because love is a physical reaction, how can a person feel and react that way to his own mother? He may seem to feel that he shouldn’t feel love for other people of the opposite sex. Rather than feeling sorry for his wife on a conscious level, it’s the subconscious guilt he feels towards his father because he loves his mother.
That’s why the intense fear and dread of this feeling has tormented him for a long time in good and bad times. Because of this, Jia Ming’s love is what makes him so miserable! Yes, how can a man love his own mother! This has been a taboo for mankind since time immemorial. This taboo is the result of the compensation and defense of Oedipal hatred of the mother and father. It is also because the love of the real object would make Jia Ming so painful that he would unconsciously repress his love for his mother, which would make him unconsciously love a mother’s replacement in order to temporarily alleviate the psychological pain.
At this time, of course, Jia Ming would not realize that he really loved his mother, because this thought would cause him deep pain as soon as it entered his conscious level, and he had to unconsciously suppress this thought into his subconscious so that he would not feel it. At this point it is easy to understand why his love for these women is sometimes instantaneous, and why getting rid of it is sometimes also instantaneous. And once it’s over, he himself finds it really funny and doesn’t feel it’s worth the pain.
Because what he really loves is not them, how can there be the pain and anxiety of separation after the loss? Even if he temporarily gets rid of the opposite sex in his life that makes him feel love, it only changes the appearance and substitutes, but his real subconscious love for his mother remains unchanged, so once his feelings for this person fade away, he can usually always find another person around him who makes him feel that way. Therefore, he can’t get rid of and control the painful love no matter what.
Psychological adjustment and advice
From a medical point of view, Jia Ming suffers from social phobia, a fear of a specific person of the opposite sex. The best way to overcome the fear is first to face the woman you are afraid of, preferably at least once a day to see the woman who makes you feel that way. Secondly, learn to bear the nervous fear, in the process of facing will remain uncontrollable whole body rolling blush, heart beating wildly, shy, nervous, gaze afraid to meet. This is a sympathetic excitement, but the sympathetic excitement to a certain time will be fatigued, at this time we will feel less nervous fear, at this time you can leave the suspension of exposure.
Repeatedly, as time goes by the feeling of nervousness and fear will become lighter and lighter. Until one day, when he faced with the fear of women a little special feeling are no longer, at this time the social fear is cured. The reason and rationale for this is that because it is not them that he really feels (see previous paragraph for psychoanalysis), confronting and exposing them will allow him to truly experience and realize that they do not really make him nervous and fearful. Just like a person who is afraid of a toy snake, the best way to overcome the fear is to let him hold the toy snake with the fear every day. Because the toy snake is not a real snake, it will not have harmful consequences for him.
The “Oedipus complex” cured or not is not good
The “Oedipus complex” hidden deep inside Mr. Jia reflects the deep and pure feelings of men for their mothers, which one psychologist said is a desire for love and security, a reflection of childhood, representing the good times.
In the male different age, “Oedipus complex” will exist, but the degree of different, usually in the 3-6 years old most obvious, after growing up will slowly transfer to other people of the opposite sex. But Mr. Jia in the subconscious “Oedipus complex” is not transferred, but solidified, so he has feelings for other women is not true love. However, if a person has not had an “Oedipus complex” is not good, he will grow up to love someone, it is difficult to develop a close relationship with other people.