Ms. Cai, 56, a nanny in Shenzhen, let her sad is her 23-year-old son A Hai addicted to the Internet can not be extricated, she does not know how many times he scolded, persuaded how many times, and even beat him, but he is like an addiction, again and again addicted to Internet cafes, work and affection can not compete with the attraction of the network for him.
Last month, because of a verbal dispute with his brother-in-law, Hai left home and turned off his cell phone. He still has 4,000 to 5,000 yuan in his hand, which is his year’s working savings, and Ms. Cai knows that the money will not come back until it is spent. But, scolded also scolded, beaten also beaten, this time she can still do? She felt she was at her wit’s end.
1.Dedicated to work and addicted to the Internet
Whenever Ms. Cai was angry with Hai for being addicted to the Internet, friends and relatives said she was too spoiled for the child. But Ms. Cai told reporters: “I also did not particularly spoil him, but when he was 13 years old without a father, I thought the child is too poor, so small without a dad, the future must give him double the love.”
A Hai was born when his brother was 14 years old and his sister was 6 years old, the youngest child, the parents naturally doted on, plus the family was well off, so basically they were there to respond to requests, A Hai is also smart, and began to go to school at the age of 5. In junior high school, his father’s business failed and the family lost their home. After his father died of a disease, Ahai asked his mother not to go to school anymore, the family’s conditions were not good, he wanted to work to earn money. Ms. Cai agreed, and mother and son went to help out at a relative’s house together.
In early 2000, 16-year-old Hai came to Shenzhen, has worked in the watch factory and construction sites, earning five or six hundred yuan a month. At the end of the year Ms. Cai also came to Shenzhen as a nanny, mother and son once a week in the niece’s home to meet, dinner, talk and laugh. Because of his young age, A Hai gave his salary to his mother to manage, and then receive living expenses and pocket money from her. It was also during this time at the construction site that Hai started going to Internet cafes to play games.
Then, Hai into the barber store to work, see the barber’s salary than more than the small workers, also want to learn hairdressing, Ms. Cai paid tuition for him. After learning a few months of skills in his hometown back in Shenzhen, while working in a barber store, while preparing to find a job, Ms. Cai also helped him to find opportunities in the city’s various barber stores, perhaps not confident enough in their own craft, the interview A Hai dare not cut hair, so those opportunities are also lost. However, he was not willing to work as a general laborer in a barbershop and wanted to open his own barbershop instead. Ms. Cai disagreed: “It’s right to learn the craft, what store.” But Hai didn’t listen, bought a lot of things and looked really ready to open a store. However, at that moment, the barbershop where he worked fired him because he didn’t show up for work for two nights and couldn’t be found. Later, Ms. Cai learned that Hai had gone to an Internet cafe to play games.
For Hai to go to the Internet, Ms. Cai at first did not care too much: it is just playful, later on, when you are older, it will be good. She did not expect that the Internet would make Ahai addicted, so that her child is less and less like the original Ahai.
In fact, when A Hai learned hairdressing in his hometown in Hunan, has often gone to the Internet cafe, a go on two hours to play, and later in the hands of a money to go, living expenses pocket money was also diverted by him a lot. See A Hai always go to Internet cafes, Ms. Cai began to persuade her son not to go, too waste of money. Gradually, this persuasion began to become more and more frequent.
2, deep into the Internet addiction can not be extricated
The first time in his life, Ms. Cai beat her son for the first time.
That night at 6:00, the family finished dinner early, A Hai went out, but never saw him back, the daughter and son-in-law said, he must have gone to the Internet, several times at 2:00 in the night before returning, calling the door outside, woke up the sleeping people.
Ms. Cai heard, the heart of the fire straight up, you know, she told Ahai how many times, do not always go to the Internet, the money is not easy to earn, but also to go home to build a house, so that a daughter-in-law later, but the hard-earned money to Ahai “sent” to the Internet cafe, not only for nothing, spend this money might as well buy a dress to wear ah, that can still see Get. The mouth is worn out, still do not listen.
Ms. Cai’s sister, who lives with her, also said: “Ahai this way, it is you did not teach him well, you die of suffering is useless, do not care about him in the future.” Ms. Cai listened, more and more feel that this son really does not fight, anger in the heart straight up, to go out to find people back, daughter, son-in-law, sister said that can not be found, son-in-law also said that once in the Internet cafe found A Hai, told him to go home he simply did not listen, but also angry to beat brother-in-law. Ms. Cai heard, more annoyed insisted on going out to find someone, she thought, after finding A Hai, but also take the opportunity to teach him a lesson.
Everyone could not persuade, although it was already 10 o’clock, but also had to accompany her to find. After looking for more than a dozen Internet cafes, did not see the shadow of A Hai, but also tired of walking, 12:00 back home, Ms. Cai sat in the hall, decided not to sleep and wait for A Hai back: “See when he can come back! See if he comes back I do not break his legs!” No one could persuade her, so she went to sleep, leaving Ms. Cai sitting stubbornly in the hall alone, crying all night, thinking of such a hard life, such a disobedient son, he went on like this, how can he become a family? How can you be so unsympathetic to me when you are working so hard for him?
She sat in the hall all night and cried all night, physically and mentally exhausted. The next morning, her son-in-law’s brother told her: “Auntie, Hai is back. The whole night! She picked up a broom and went downstairs to hit Hai’s leg hard. Hai did not say anything and did not hide. The broom was taken away, Ms. Cai is still not relieved, clenched her fist, as if desperate to pound the back of the sea several times, while playing while crying and cursing: “See if you want the Internet cafe or want the family, today I want to teach you this disobedient son.” This was the first time in her life that she hit Hai, and she used all her strength. Hai cried: “I know it’s not good, but I can’t help it! I’m addicted like a drug, I can’t quit!”
After this fiasco, Hai was calm for a few days, and although Ms. Cai was heartbroken, she did not regret it, and if this beating could make Hai remember, learn a lesson, and change his ways, it was worth it. But a few days later, she was sad to find that A Hai is back to his old ways.
3.Mother’s anxiety
Life always goes on, Ms. Cai plan A Hai can run a business in 2006 more income, told him to go back home at the end of 2005 to do ID cards, because his ID card was lost in a time when the Internet. She bought a ticket, put A Hai on the train, handed him 1,000 yuan, and explained that he should not forget to give 200 yuan of it to his grandfather, and use the rest for the ID card and the return trip.
A Hai promised, but once back home, he did not even enter the home, directly to the Internet cafe first. Without the control of his family, but also every day online, but also called his mother to ask to send 800 yuan, saying that the money fell, can only live in a friend’s house. Ms. Cai did not believe it and asked her old family to look for it, and then it was indeed pulled out from the Internet cafe by his uncle’s ears, and he not only did not give 200 yuan to his grandfather, his documents were not done, and he also owed 100 yuan to the Internet cafe.
After the Spring Festival in his hometown, Ahai returned to Shenzhen, it was already the spring of 2006, Ms. Cai asked him what his plans? He thought about it and said, to help his brother-in-law. But he did not work seriously, or every day on the Internet. Last August, brother-in-law asked him to go to Dongguan to place the material, he arrived in Dongguan, after the material, asked his brother-in-law to drive from Longgang to pick him up, brother-in-law said: Dongguan so many cars to Shenzhen, you can take the car back. A Hai was not happy, leaving the materials in his hands and went to live with his elder brother in Nanshan. He usually feels that his brother-in-law is not good to him, brother-in-law introduced him to others and said “he is my little brother”, A Hai was very unhappy, he felt that “little brother” means a servant, he felt that brother-in-law was treating him as a servant, making brother-in-law laugh and cry.
Ms. Cai had no choice but to urge him to hurry up and find a job. A Hai promised to go to work in the factory, but after three days, he quit, saying that the job always requires squatting on the floor to screw, making him uncomfortable. In big brother’s house for two or three months, every day on the Internet, the hands of more than 1,000 yuan are spent, Ms. Cai persuasion also useless.
In order to drag her son’s heart from the Internet cafe back, Ms. Cai thought: Why not take Ahai back home to plant, anyway, he is not here, working outside for nothing, why not go back to planting, so he has no money in his hands, and will not go online.
She told Hai this idea, and Hai listened and said, “Then it’s better to go to brother-in-law’s place.” Ms. Cai had to urge: “This time you have to do a good job, do not let sister caught in the middle of the difficult.” Hai agreed.
A Hai worked at his brother-in-law’s place, and his salary was a little more, and he was forced by his mother to save some of it every month, and he still had time to go online. Ms. Cai thought her son should work well this time, after all, the people, however, the day of November 13, her daughter called her, said that the brother ran away again. Because he and brother-in-law quarrel again, he a single did not fill out, brother-in-law said him, he was not happy to talk back, said still do not want to do it, brother-in-law also angry: you do not want to do it, do not do. So Ahai ran away like that.
This child! How can he still be like this. Ms. Cai is also very angry, call A Hai’s cell phone, a few times after the ringing phone was hung up, and then just shut down. In the evening, she called again, and the same thing happened. Ms. Cai was both angry and uneasy, and called again at 3:30 in the middle of the night, but the phone was still turned off. So far, A Hai’s cell phone did not answer through.
Ms. Cai is a bit anxious. She is not too worried about A Hai’s safety, after all, he is already an adult, but this time, he has four or five thousand dollars in his hand, which he has saved for a year, Ms. Cai is very distressed about the money: he must have squandered all this money before coming back. She asked her daughter to check her bank card and found that it had only been a few days since Ahai had raised 800 yuan: it seemed that this year’s income was going to be spent by him again for nothing.
Working is not easy, how can we stop Ahai from spending this money indiscriminately? Ms. Cai wanted to go to the police and say that her son had stolen her money, so that the public security department could go to the bank to freeze A Hai’s account, but after learning about it, she learned that she could not call the police blindly like this, because it was a false accusation.
”This time make up your mind, when you see him, whether to kill him or him to kill me.” Ms. Cai work during the day, lying in bed at night, unable to sleep, while crying and thinking nonsense.
4.Love for her son hopes her son repent
All relatives said to Ms. Cai: “You are the one who spoiled him too much.” Blame her for not controlling the money she used to give him. But Ms. Cai told reporters: “I saw in the newspaper, a small store father locked his 17-year-old son in the house with a chain around his neck, the child is also addicted to the Internet, the family does not give him money, he stole the family’s money to go out online. I saw the news and thought of Ahai, see the beggars sitting under the flyover will be heartbroken, think of Ahai no money online will do? I’m really afraid that he is out there to steal, rob, learn bad or suffer, so when he does not have money, as soon as he asked me for money, I will give him.”
She sighed: “Alas, he has not been asked to do anything since he was a child, basically he can’t take care of his own life, he is sloppy, he speaks in a petulant voice, and he can’t wring out the water on his towel. More introverted, lazy.”
”I often advise him not to go online, and now the family does not even have a house, we have come to Shenzhen for so many years, I have not bought shoes here, hair is also their own cut, I said these are trying to move him, but he thinks I am very silly, said your hands and not no money, why do it! Ms. Cai tied a short “a grasp”.
Ms. Cai once asked Ahai: brother and sister are not online, why do you want to go online? Ahai asked back: “You think it’s good that they don’t go online? Is it bad to be on the Internet? What’s wrong with going online?” Ms. Cai advised: the family’s conditions are not good, there is no house, you are so old, you have to find a wife in the future. A Hai scoffed: “What’s the hurry.” When learning hairdressing he had a relationship, soon broke up, he seems to be okay with it.
Ms. Cai felt very defeated, to this child, she is no way, how to let him live a normal life? What she couldn’t figure out was that all three were brought up by herself, how could this one be like this? The thought spent on the eldest daughter is not even half of his, spending so much money on him, but suffering so much anger, shedding so many tears.
The most sad thing for her is that Hai seems to have no feelings for anyone. She bought all the towels, toothbrushes, cups and clothes for him, but he got annoyed when she said a few words. In addition to the few people who play games together, he also has no friends and has nothing to say to his family. “I envy people when I see their sons walking with their mothers! I was never like that.” Her eyes were red again.
5. Internet addiction often indicates an inner need
Short-term goal is to quit Internet addiction
Dr. Psychology told reporters that Ahai is a typical network addiction, which is a more recent psychological disorder, just like smoking and drinking, the Internet has a “negative reinforcement” effect on Ahai, he got a happy when online, not online to face the reality of some worries, and once online, these worries are gone. These negative reinforcement will form a conditioned reflex, will be connected to the Internet and get rid of worries, get happy.
”This is formed slowly in life, and it takes a process to change, preferably with the help of a psychologist.” Ms. Cai is currently most interested in knowing how to get Hai out of his Internet addiction, to which Dr. Zhou points out that quitting Internet addiction is generally divided into two phases, with the short-term goal of quitting it and the long-term goal of preventing relapse.
Generally speaking, behavioral therapy can be used to quit Internet addiction in the short term, such as “aversion therapy”. If an unpleasant psychological or physiological reaction occurs once you go online, and every time you go online, the brain will form a conditioned reflex to avoid harm out of human instincts and become averse to going online, and then stop going online. Of course, this unpleasant feeling must be much greater than the pleasure brought by the Internet to be effective. If the addiction is more serious, you can use “electric massager” under the supervision of a doctor to give the addict some painful stimulation, but of course it is harmless and safe, and the pain can be controlled. This can form a conditioned reflex, and slowly, the desire to go online will disappear. If the conditions are not available, you can do “imaginative aversion therapy”. When you want to go online, you can create an aversion stimulus through your own imagination, such as imagining the serious consequences of going online, including the destruction of your family, the separation of your wife and children, and living on the street. This is safer, but the effect is inferior to electric massage.
In addition to “aversion therapy”, you can also use “positive reinforcement”. When not on the Internet, give him a little pleasant feeling, such as giving him rewards, encouragement, in order to strengthen the behavior of not online. For example, if he doesn’t go online for a day, he will be given a voucher and it can be exchanged for a real reward. “Ahai himself knows that this is not good, but he can’t help it. It shows that he is aware of the seriousness of the consequences of Internet addiction, but why can’t he quit? This is because the feeling of happiness can appear immediately once you go online, while the consequences of addiction take a long time to appear. That’s why a day off the Internet should be immediately rewarded to reinforce the behavior.”
In addition, Hai needs to learn self-control. “Ahai knows that Internet addiction is bad, which means there is no problem with his personality development, and he wants to get rid of it. Secondly, to cultivate some hobbies, the majority of the current energy put into the network to get transferred, more conducive to self-control.”
6, family members to face reality with him
Internet addicts generally “aversion treatment” one or twenty times will slowly become better, but Internet addiction is a psychological dependence, after a period of improvement may relapse, to get long-term results, you need to find out the root cause of addiction.
”Why does Internet addiction arise? Generally speaking, addiction to something often indicates an inner need. If you are addicted to online chatting, you usually have certain social barriers in reality, and you can let go of your inner fear and tension without facing others online; if you are addicted to online games, you mostly feel that you are a failure in reality and have low self-esteem, and you get a sense of satisfaction of self-achievement through games. Hai wanted to open a store but was frustrated, and that’s when he became obsessed with playing games online, which has the benefit of bringing a sense of pleasure, avoiding inner conflict, removing himself from some of the worries in reality, and gaining temporary happiness.”
This requires helping the addict to solve these problems in real life, such as expanding contact with people and gaining self-confidence in communication; for those who internally want to gain a sense of accomplishment, the family should give him a hand by encouraging him and giving him self-confidence, and he will gradually put his energy into facing reality instead of avoiding it.
Hai’s avoidance of reality is certainly related to the way he was raised. His mother’s over-indulgence and over-protection will make the child develop a self-centered personality, poor ability to resist frustration, weak ability to handle problems independently, and once he encounters frustration, he will have troubles and just want to go online to escape reality and think about nothing. So to achieve the long-term goal of no relapse, you need the help of mothers and family members to face the reality together with him, beating and scolding is of no use.