Psychological problems and disorders in children and adolescents are caused by the confusion and distortion of relationships among family system members. The dynamics that determine the relationship of family members are “love connection” and “love flow”. Because of love, it is impossible for any family member to ignore the suffering of other members. For example, in a “divorced” family, the children will be “sick” to prevent the family from splitting up. In a family where the mother is disabled and has difficulty living, the child grows up “understanding” and takes care of his mother and father like a “little adult”, sharing the mother’s responsibilities. This is the motivation of love and love rescue instinct. 1, the system balance law normal “father, mother, child” family of three, parents love each other, children attached to parents, respect for parents, the “three sides” of the relationship between the three are “positive “This is the most ideal family structure. If the relationship between the parents goes wrong and is “negative”, the child will be in a “split” state. In this case, the child must give up positive feelings for “one” of the parents – for example, giving up love for the father in order to stay close to and identify with his mother – in order to restore balance to the system. This is the law of balance in the family system. In the family “triangle” of father, mother, and child, the ideal relationship is the “three-sided positive relationship,” which has been described as an “equilateral triangle. However, most families have problems of one kind or another. Therefore, due to the balance dynamics of the system, a problem in the relationship on one side will inevitably lead to the adjustment of the relationship on the other two sides, and the result of the adjustment is often The result of the adjustment is often a “two negative and one positive” relationship, not a “two positive and one negative” relationship. For example, if the wife falls out with her husband, the son will also fall out with his father, so as to maintain a good relationship between mother and son, or the son will choose to maintain the relationship with his father and alienate his mother. It must be one or the other. Because for a minor child, losing the love of both parents at the same time can be overwhelming. You need to remember that in a family, the marital relationship is the decisive relationship, so the key to improving family relationships lies first in improving the marital relationship between both parents, rather than simply making adjustments regarding the parent-child relationship. In a family, different members are on different levels of rights and have different responsibilities. Among them, the rights of parents and children are very different, they are in the higher position of rights and bear more responsibilities. Parents not only have the obligation to bear and raise children, but also have the responsibility to provide unconditional and active care for their children’s development. However, parents do not have the right to present their emotional confusion, personal privacy and pain to their children and hold them accountable, and likewise, children do not have the right or obligation to solve their parents’ problems. Therefore, marital privacy should be isolated to some extent from the parent-child relationship. This is the law of systematic isolation. Unfortunately, many parents unconsciously violate this law by either crying in front of their children when faced with marital conflicts or extramarital infidelity by one spouse, or by bringing their children along to participate in the stalking of their husband’s (or wife’s) extramarital affairs, or by asking their children to reason for them and decide “whether to divorce “etc. These practices will cause irreparable damage to the child’s spiritual growth. 3, the system first rule The family and the large “family system” composed of a number of different generations of the “family system”, is a complex system of relationships. The relationship between family and family members should follow the law of priority, otherwise, the flow of love in the family system will be disrupted. The law of priority of the family system is: In a family system, the family system that emerges later takes precedence over the family system that emerges first. A person is first a member of the family system with his or her parents, and then marries and has children, creating a new “family of three” family system. According to this rule, the person’s own marital family relationship should always take precedence over the family of origin relationship with his parents. In the same family system, the relationship that comes first takes precedence over the one that comes second. The marital relationship is the prerequisite for the creation of a complete family, and because of this relationship, children emerge, and thus the parent-child relationship. The relationship that emerges when the parent-child relationship comes into being. According to this law, in a family system, the marital relationship should take precedence over the parent-child relationship. If a man violates the law of priority, will focus too much on his family of origin, or his parents too much, once in love and married to form a new family, the spouse and children will feel themselves “unimportant”, resulting in the “outsider “self-consciousness, often difficult to dissolve into his extended family. No wonder to such a man, the wife often complains: “I gave him a hundred words, but not as good as his mother a word!” The wife and children can not get more love from this man, inevitably leading to marital crisis as well as poor parent-child relationship development. Another violation of the priority rule occurs more frequently in modern society in one-child families. After marriage with children, so one of the spouses (in most cases the wife) rightfully bets most of his or her energy and emotions on the child, not having time to take care of his or her own and his or her spouse’s emotional needs, until the child has reached adolescence, still not able to resume attention to the couple’s marital relationship, the child becomes the only bond in the relationship. Such a family, once the children leave the family system for school or work, there will be a marital crisis and conflict, and may lead to divorce after middle age. In a family system, when one of the parents of a child passes away due to illness, divorce, absence from home or “character defects” can not play the normal parental role, the children in the family will tend to “fill” or “replace” the vacancy. or “replace” the vacant position and develop personality traits that match the role of that position. If the vacant position is the father’s position, the child will develop more paternal traits, such as being good at taking care of the mother, taking care of the younger siblings, being considerate of the lonely and helpless, etc. If the vacant position is the mother’s position, the child’s maternal traits will be enhanced, and the child will even become a very maternal “little mother”. This is the law of systemic complementarity. The “complementary phenomenon” is very common in single-parent families after divorce. From the point of view of children’s psychological development, the overdevelopment of the complementary phenomenon is not a normal phenomenon, but a psychological trauma, “complementary” with the children’s “psychosexual development” and “personality mask There is a more direct pathological relationship between “complementation” and the child’s “psychosexual development” and “personality mask”. For example, if a girl’s father is away from home “for years and years” and does not care about her mother and her emotional needs, does not care about her family, and her mother is a “non-grown-up, dependent” mother, what will happen to the girl? She will gradually develop some “masculine”, “tough”, “tomboyish” personality qualities as she grows up (this is actually a personality mask and not the This is not the girl’s true self) in order to protect her mother and take on responsibilities that her father has failed to take on. If the situation is severe enough, the girl may turn into a homosexual during adolescence. From this example, it is easy to see that the fundamental way to eliminate the tendency to “fill in” in the family is for parents to assume their responsibilities and duties as parents in front of their children, to play their family functions in a mature and stable way, to deal with their own anxiety and pain independently, to be brave and strong, and to live happily and easily.