Xiao Wang has been working in this company for three years and has always been a lively and cheerful girl who loves to talk and laugh, however, she has recently encountered a big problem at work. The cause of the trouble is precisely due to the new leadership transferred to the section six months ago – somehow, Xiao Wang was surprisingly disgusted with him from the very beginning. Initially, she just thought that she did not adapt to this leader, and then after a period of time will be good, but with the passage of time, her dislike for this leader is not reduced, but rather rising day by day. What’s worse, this leader sat across from her in this small office, so much so that she had to face him every day at work, and six months had already made her heart pine, and finally, she had to take a week’s sick leave to receive psychological counseling. ”Teacher, you know how painful I have been these six months, I really want to lose my temper when I look at him, but he is the leader, I must restrain my emotions, so I go to work every day thinking, but do not say anything wrong, every word I have to consider: how do I control my emotions? How can I speak without making him angry?” ”Do you think your leader has something that pisses you off?” ”Actually, he is not bad, but I just can’t accept his kind of character. He is obedient to the top, but he doesn’t work, he often delays what he should do, he is not serious, he is not serious, he is playful, which is like a leader!” ”Oh, it seems you really hate him, and he hates you?” ”Then who knows. Anyway, he always praises me every day, saying that I am serious and attentive. But I feel he’s so hypocritical, I’d rather not listen to his compliments.” ”And what do others say about him?” ”I asked other colleagues in our section, others also said he had those habits, but people seemed to think it didn’t matter: ‘悖∷∷ quietly eggplant cherry dirty pyramids division baldness forgiveness! I don’t know what to say. ”So other than that about him, does he have any other good points?” ”Well …… also, he does think for the boss, our boss sometimes come up with an idea, but do not know how to implement, our leaders always come down to analyze with us the boss’s intentions, so we asked us to make some preparations in advance in accordance with this policy. I found that his analysis of the leadership’s intention is particularly accurate, because in a short time the boss’s idea to form a policy to implement down, just as we expected the leadership, and as long as he wants to do things, will do very well, others can not do the work he can do. So sometimes the boss down to check the work, but also to our section fast action praise, in fact, which is our speed fast ah, is the boss has not officially issued the task we have begun to do.” ”This is probably also the reason why the leadership so much relied on him, right?” ”Well …… maybe.” ”So does he care about your feelings at work?” ”Not a care, not a care at all.” She blurted out in exasperation, but after careful thought, she added, “But it’s not all like that, right? He actually cares about his subordinates, especially when we are not feeling well, he often hush and warm, the weather is hot also often buy watermelon ice-cream or something for us all to eat. It is this week, or he sat across from me feel as if I do not feel well, asked me, I took the opportunity to take a week off, and is his own help me this week’s work on behalf of the management, afraid that I take leave to deduct bonuses, even leave did not give me count. To follow the previous leader, without the hospital’s leave note he certainly not approved.” ”Listen to you say that this leader is actually not so bad well.” She let out a long sigh: “Yes, what can be done, I also know that in fact this leader is not bad, but I just can not accept him from the bottom of my heart ah.” It can be seen that there is a strong conflict in Xiao Wang’s heart. On the one hand, rationality tells her that this leader is not so bad, but emotionally she cannot accept this leader at all. In fact, the leader himself did not feel that Xiao Wang hated him much, because there was no conflict between them, and Xiao Wang was only entangled in a kind of aversion complex. This aversion complex is very common in our interpersonal interactions – not to hate something, but to feel disgusted with the overall temperament of a person. This dislike often comes from the heart, not because something has caused a disconnection. Although we can find various reasons to dislike the person we dislike, in reality, these reasons may not be valid, and the distinguishing factor is that others also find these qualities in the person, but do not find them so disgusting, i.e., our own dislike of the person is our own personal experience rather than the overall social identity. There are often three factors that produce the disgust complex: First, someone’s behavior touches our internal value system and code of conduct: just like the aforementioned Xiao Wang, she is a serious person with a straightforward character, and the “leader” in her eyes should be a serious person who sits upright and serious, but this leader is a A little bit smooth; a little bit not serious; and a little bit maverick character traits, which obviously goes against the value system in Xiao Wang’s heart. So much so that as soon as she met with this leader, a feeling of disgust would arise in her heart. Second: The other person has the same “flaws” as ourselves, leading us to use the defense mechanism of reverse generation: reverse generation is a very common defense mechanism, when a certain “flaw” that we think is difficult to be accepted, we may try to go in the We may try to go in the opposite direction of this flaw so that we can move further away from it. Generally speaking, we ourselves had a certain “flaw” in our early years, but we “changed” it due to family education and other reasons. But this change does not necessarily make a certain behavior characteristics completely extinct, most often just this “bad habit” repressed to the depths of the heart. For example, Wang’s family education style requires her to be serious, and this education system does not allow her to reveal her casual behavioral traits. Therefore, at the subconscious level, she feels aversion to leaders who happen to have similar bad habits to her own, in order to avoid the manifestation of her bad habits. Of course, this defense mechanism is carried out at the subconscious level and is not easily detected by professional psychologists. Third: the subconscious psychology of “sour grapes”: some of the other’s merits may be lacking and desired by oneself, but one’s own value system cannot accept oneself to behave in the same way. Let’s analyze the characteristics of Wang’s leadership. If he is really useless, how can he go to the level of a leader? In fact, Xiao Wang also speaks of the strengths of the other side, precisely because the leader she dislikes the most does have some kind of excesses that make him reappointed by the boss. But this is precisely her own deficiency, and may even be her own subconscious desire to get but difficult to get because of her own value system bondage. Then in this case to produce a “can not eat grapes to say that the grapes are sour” mentality, the sense of disgust naturally arose. So, when we encounter people or things that make us feel bored, what is the best way to defuse their emotions? First of all, the simplest and most effective way to deal with it is, of course, to respect and stay away. In most cases, as long as we avoid these people or situations that annoy us, and do not have some conflict as a result, it will not affect our work and life. Even if we can’t avoid a section, but as long as we adjust our seats for a proper reason and avoid sitting face to face with people who make us have an aversion complex, we can reduce the impact of the aversion complex on our psychology most of the time. Second, the use of some appropriate way to reasonably release a little emotion, such as at the table to take the leadership of a joke, etc.. As long as moderate, in this kind of free activities “reckless” leadership naturally will not blame, and their own repressed for many days of emotions can naturally get some release. However, there are always times when the person we meet that we hate happens to be someone we can’t avoid – for example, our leader, which means losing his job; or our dorm-mate, which means having a bad influence on the whole school. Then we need to do some positive self-adjustment. In fact, we might as well look at the problem from a different perspective – the disgust that this leader made Wang produce, just contributed to Wang came to the counseling room, under the guidance of a psychologist to discover a good opportunity to adjust their character. Confucius said, three people must have my teacher, which refers to each person has different character traits and ability advantages, when we put aside their original negative feelings have been solidified, with rational thinking to observe their original hate people, will find that in fact, the other side of the body has a lot to learn and learn from us. After the counseling, Wang also gradually recognized the existence of some of their own character deficiencies, such as stereotypes, handling interpersonal relationships is too simple, etc.. Learning from the people we dislike and making up for our own shortcomings is the highest level of dealing with our own aversion complex. There is another situation is particularly worth our attention, if the people we dislike is a large class of people, and disgusting behavior is more common behavior patterns, “hit surface” too wide, it may have serious adverse consequences on our normal interpersonal interactions. Ms. Liu is more than 35 years old, to say is also to look like a look, to have the ability to have the ability, but let her feel lost until now is still not a real happy relationship. It turns out that all the boys who pursue her give her a feeling of disgust. In the counseling room, she explained the reason: “What I hate most is the kind of groveling face of those boys pursuing me. Usually guys can be high and mighty, but once they like a woman, they chase after her, and whatever the woman says is what she does.” ”This is very normal ah! Which man likes a woman, of course, will please the woman’s heart.” ”Then these men are too hypocritical, right? If they really like women, why can’t they be nice to women in general? I don’t like hypocritical men, I like men to do what they want to do. There are ideas, there are personalities. Will not be swayed by anyone else anything.” It turns out that Ms. Liu is disgusted by the normal behavior patterns that exist in almost all men in the process of falling in love, so you can imagine that according to Ms. Liu’s standards want to find someone who “likes” is as difficult as finding a needle in a haystack. In this case, we can only find the reason from ourselves, it turns out that in her mind there is a cognitive bias towards male character, confusing the display of self-personality and the love of men for women in the process of love. She needs to correct her cognitive bias through systematic psychological counseling. So, when we hate someone, we need to think calmly that the problem may be in ourselves. Emotions are a normal instinctive human activity, but what makes humans different from animals is that humans can overcome the effects of emotions through rational thinking. When we have an adverse effect on our relationships with a certain emotion, it is a sign of our maturity to actively adjust to it and not be swayed by it.