Recently, a news story about a daughter threatening her parents to give up their second child has sparked a lot of debate on the internet. According to the report, 44-year-old Ms. Xiao and her husband finally got pregnant with their second child after a year of hard work, but her 13-year-old daughter Wenwen (a pseudonym) was reluctant and threatened to “skip school” and “run away from home” one after another. After her daughter tried to slit her wrists with a razor blade, Ms. Xiao, who was 13 weeks pregnant, had to tearfully go to the hospital to terminate her pregnancy.
In the comments on this incident, there is a frequently mentioned view that the newborn child is a threat to the daughter, and that the psychological care and financial support given by the parents may be largely divided by the second child.
Many non-only children have even come forward to speak out, saying that they felt neglected and threatened after the birth of their younger siblings, and have even suffered unrecoverable psychological trauma as a result.
However, there is a growing body of research that suggests the negative impact of the addition of new family members on older children is overestimated.
The following analysis will hopefully help moms and dads understand that it is not the new family members who are hurting their older children, but precisely you.
The child’s problems
Reflects family problems
The child’s behavior often reflects the problems of the family behind it.
Child’s behavior
Family
Low self-esteem, weakness
One of the parents must be a demanding person
(result of interventionist family education)
Preference for violence or slavishness
Has a parent who likes to scold
(Result of interfering homeschooling)
Is timid and shy
Over-controlling, blaming, and taking care of things
(Result of interfering homeschooling)
Unkindness
One of the parents must lack compassion
(Result of violent family education)
Not knowing right from wrong
There must be an authoritarian parent who likes to make decisions for the child. Or a parent who is not reasonable.
(Result of interfering family or spoiled family)
Careful eye
Lack of tolerance in the family environment, blaming is the main tone of the family
(Intrusive family outcome)
Unmotivated
Parents demand too much of their children or parents demand too little of themselves
(Intrusive family or permissive family)
Laziness
Parents do too much for the child
(interfering family or spoiled family)
Likes to blame
Must have a negative thinking parent
(Intrusive or violent family)
Grumpy
There must be a parent who has a bad temper and is used to communicating with people in a bad way by lashing out
(Intrusive or violent family)
Self-righteousness
The inevitable result of parental indulgence
(spoiled or permissive family)
Inability to care for others
Parents spoil too much and don’t let their children behave
(spoiled or permissive family)
Unhappiness with a stern face all day long
Dissension between husband and wife or parent-child relationship
(Intrusive, violent or permissive family)
Overly sensitive, suspicious
Lack of warmth and tolerance in the family
(Intrusive or violent family)
Dislike of learning
Parents don’t like learning or don’t think it’s important
(Intrusive family, violent family, permissive family, or uneducated family)
Cold, withdrawn
Must have a permissive or violent parent
(the result of a permissive, violent family)
Selfish
Must have an indulgent parent
(spoiled family)
(From the Institute of Applied Psychology, East China Normal University)
Eight things parents should not do
Children think a good family should have a friendly, relaxed, tolerant, democratic and lively atmosphere. On the contrary, what they fear most is a family with a cold, tense, dull, bossy and lifeless atmosphere. A media summary of the 8 things that children are most afraid of parents to do, I hope to give parents some insight.
1, parents quarrel
A child psychology research institute conducted a psychological survey on more than 3,000 school-age children, one of which was “What are you most afraid of mom and dad”, and the most answers were: “I’m most afraid of my mom and dad getting angry and quarreling. One answer sheet was very vivid: “I am most afraid of my father being angry, he looks so fierce when he is angry! Put mom are angry cry, I am scared like a little mouse, heart straight flutter, can not eat ……”
2.Parents lose their temper
In many parents tantrums, although the child stops the behavior that the parents do not expect, but they do not know what they have done wrong. In life, it is best not to lose your temper with your child, but if you do accidentally lose your temper with your child, after the tantrum, it is best to explain clearly to your child what the child’s problem is and what to do, and also to let your child feel your care and love through your actions.
If possible, it is best to give a warning before losing your temper, such as: “I can hardly hold back my temper, can you hurry ……”, “I am in a bad mood today, you better not… …”. But never because of the guilt after a tantrum, you can relax the requirements of the child, the insistence must be insisted on.
3, eccentric, can not give the same love to children
The movie “Tangshan Earthquake” tells a story, in the Tangshan earthquake, a pair of children were crushed under the same concrete slab, the face of only one difficult choice to save the mother painfully chose the son Fangda, lucky daughter Fangdeng later also survived the disaster, was adopted by a couple of PLA as an adopted daughter. But the daughter resented her mother’s eccentricity, resented the words “save her brother”, experienced a lot of things outside, suffered a lot of hardships are reluctant to return home to recognize relatives, and family separation for 32 years. Whether it is a child who is favored, or a child who is left out, or a child who is a bystander, as long as they perceive their mother’s eccentricity, they will be damaged.
4. Parents break faith and lie
To be a parent who is a man of his word, we must not make promises easily or make wishes casually; we must not casually agree to our children’s requests in order to achieve our immediate goals; when our children make requests, we must seriously think about whether such requests are reasonable and can be honored; if they are reasonable and can be honored, we must seriously commit to them and must honor them.
5, not patiently answer the questions raised by the child
Some parents are too annoyed with their children and send them off with a few words. The child may be very young, but he can also feel Mom and Dad’s attitude, and the parents’ coldness will make the child think that he should not ask questions, or should not ask this type of question, so that he loses confidence in his own abilities.
If mom and dad don’t have time to answer the child at that moment, they should also first affirm the child’s question, then explain to the baby that they are really not available right now, and promise the baby that they will answer the baby’s question at some dedicated time.
6, unwelcome friends of the child
Some parents may dislike their children’s little friends because they are not very polite, or are too calculating, or can be bullies, lie and other shortcomings.
However, for children, as they develop physically and mentally, parents are expected to treat them as “adults” and respect the child’s independent opinion in choosing friends. If parents keep disciplining and intermittently or uninterruptedly expressing their dislike for their children’s best friends, it will inevitably cause resentment among the children, which will gradually increase the gap between the two sides.
Parents should respect their children’s choice of best friends. Parents should stand in the child’s point of view to see the child’s best friend, good at role transposition, respect for the preservation of the child’s choice.
7, ignore the child’s strengths
In reality, parents often compare their children’s shortcomings with the strengths of other children, and even over-glorify and exaggerate other children, which is intended to set an example for their children, but in fact brings great harm to the child, and can even affect the child’s life.
You should be good at finding their strengths and discovering what makes them different. You should always believe that your child is excellent and leave the praise to your own children, so that they can continue to develop their strengths and strengths in the sound of your praise.
8. Accuse your child in front of guests
When people come and go, friends and family meet and talk about their respective children, it often becomes one of the important topics. Many parents like to reveal their children’s shortcomings in front of everyone, as if they are complaining to others, saying how difficult it is to educate such a child.
But who knows, they only focus on fault-finding his shortcomings, to win the praise of others some parents, simply said the child into “tofu dregs”. This invariably makes the child feel that he can’t do anything, no one appreciates him, such as learning can’t, looks can’t, socializing can’t, doing housework can’t, let the family suffer for him, also feel that parents are not satisfied with themselves, and parents gradually distant.