Do you remember the fairy tales you heard as a child? The prince and the princess always go through trials and tribulations and live happily ever after. The happy ending is like a seed of hope, planting sweet expectations in our hearts. When we grow up, we walk into the marriage hall full of longing, only to see with disappointment that there are no fairy tales in the real world. The passion of love can not stop the emergence of conflict between husband and wife, the red rose can not afford to carry the ordinary and trivial life, differences are inevitable, quarrels will always occur. The so-called married life, love rarely, “life” but occupy a lot.
If you feel tired in the quarrel, but never find a way to resolve the conflict between husband and wife, try the following suggestions. Fairy tales can be realized, happiness is not far away, only good reflection and the use of wisdom of the couple, to better steer the ship of marriage.
1. Accept each other’s character weaknesses.
In addition to physical violence and obvious cursing behavior, we should accept each other’s character weaknesses as much as possible. Acceptance is not obedience, not weakness, but an active tolerance. Acceptance will make both spouses feel very comfortable and secure, and completely relaxed to be their true selves. Then we can better listen to each other, recognize each other’s efforts, and unknowingly make changes to accommodate each other – not because we are being forced or pressured, but because we care about each other and want each other to feel better. When the other person feels accepted and listened to, they will treat us in the same way.
2. Focus on differences rather than emphasizing each other’s flaws.
When a couple has a disagreement, they should discuss their differences rather than accuse each other of flaws. For example, if a husband is particularly dependent on his mother, our description is that both spouses have different feelings of dependence on their mothers. Do not probe whether the husband has an Oedipal tendency or whether the wife has a sense of insecurity because she is jealous of her husband’s relationship with his mother-in-law. Even if the other party does have flaws, don’t try to emphasize them. Focusing on flaws will lead to blaming complaints from one party and defensive protests from the other, it will not solve any problems and will only lead to more serious quarrels.
3. Describe the real experiences of both parties, and should not exaggerate or imagine.
In the example of the husband’s dependence on his mother, during the argument, the wife would exaggerate the husband’s dependence on his mother and sarcastically describe him as a child who can’t live without his mother, while the husband would think that his wife is suspicious and a shameless and jealous woman. Both descriptions are imaginary and untrue.
A fair description should focus on the facts: the husband has an important relationship with his mother that he wants to maintain, and the wife feels that this connection is preventing the development of their relationship as a couple. When the wife finds out that her husband cares more about her mother-in-law than she does, she gets very angry and attacks him and her mother-in-law especially violently, and the husband becomes very irritated by his wife’s attacks and denies them all or fights back in a self-protective way, as is the case.
Only if the facts are described objectively and fairly will both parties be able to discuss them further and have their needs met. Instead, they will be in a vicious circle, always arguing over the same issues, but no results.
4. Acknowledge your own sensitivity and do not accuse the other party of offense.
For example, a sexually active husband, rough movements when seeking pleasure from his wife, the wife is annoyed by this. In order to make both sides acceptable, it is necessary to pay less attention to these offensive behaviors, but more attention to the sensitive points triggered by these behaviors. The correct description is that the husband’s advances to his wife are more like an attack than an expression of affection, and that they touch a sensitive point that she fears will be violated. Such a statement can be accepted by both sides, it is possible to further mutual understanding.
5, do not pass judgment in an argument.
In the example just now, when arguing, the wife will accuse the husband of not being understanding, and the husband will accuse the wife of being sexually frigid. “You are sexually frigid”, which is a judgmental phrase, will complicate the issue. We need to express real emotions, not pass judgment. The correct way to describe it is: I accuse you of being sexually frigid when I am angry. Such a statement will promote understanding and communication between the two parties.
6. Discuss the problem in detail, rather than simply fixing it all at once.
Couples who are in conflict because of household chores. The husband’s simple solution is: Look, I’m not unwilling to do it, just call me if you need to, but the tone must be polite.
This approach misses at least two problems. First, the wife wants her husband to be an equal participant, not just an occasional helper, and she wants him to notice the needs of the children and the need to clean the house, and then take the initiative. And in fact the husband always retreats into his own world, playing on the computer, watching TV, and leaving all the housework to his wife. Second, when the wife is overwhelmed by the chores, only to find her husband relaxing and enjoying himself, she is so irritated that she simply cannot ask him for help with sweet words.
The wife’s solution was to ask you to stand up and take equal responsibility in the family, and usually you have to go around at home and see what needs to be done, and not wait for someone to tell you.
Her solution is also too simplistic. The husband’s requirements for the family environment and for the children are different from the wife’s. According to the husband’s idea, the children can be noisier, more naughty, the room can be more messy, he can put up with it, if he is asked to do the housework and take care of the children according to his wife’s requirements, he will find it unnecessary. Moreover, even if he does, he can’t do as well as his wife, so she will criticize him again, he might as well not do it at all.
As you can see, simple solutions from both sides will not work, they tend to put all the blame on the other side, ignoring their own responsibility in the problem. Therefore, both sides should have a more detailed discussion, such as when the child needs discipline, when the room needs to be cleaned, and so on, and eventually reach an agreement.
7, discuss specific behavior, do not blame the motive behind the behavior.
Couples arguments tend to generate a false logic, if you did something to make me unhappy, then you must have deliberately wanted me to be like that.
Never accuse your lover of doing something to you on purpose, but stay focused on the matter itself. Don’t accuse the other person of having “bad intentions”, even if he really has that subconscious, he doesn’t know it himself. In fact, many times, the lover did not want to hurt us, but we feel extremely sad; he did not want us to lose confidence, but we feel that we are not capable.
8, sympathetic to each other’s difficulties, do not deprive each other of the benefits.
If you do certain things that make me unhappy, it means you don’t care about my feelings, otherwise how would you do it?
This accusation contains a question: If you really love me, you will ……
So the husband would say, if you love me, you would support me in honoring my mother. The wife, on the other hand, says, if you love me, you should put more energy into the marriage.
We all want our loved ones to put their own needs aside and meet our needs in order to love us. When such sacrifices are easy to make, the receiving party, or even the giving party, finds love sweet. However, if the major needs of both parties conflict, giving on one side means giving up something that is very important to you, which may be difficult for everyone. Don’t say “If you love me, you have to ……”, that’s depriving your lover’s interest and is unfair.