1, there is an overly strict father in the family
The Chinese often say that a strict father is a loving mother, which is really a limitation on the father’s function, because a father can also be very gentle.
My idealized father is a state where he has a very clear boundary with others, but he also has the ability to be gentle, because many fathers, his personality has not really grown to the state of a man, so he needs to use excessive severity to pretend to be a man. In reality, it is a desperate attempt to cover up this part of himself that has not grown up.
If you imagine how the adolescent boy, in front of the girl he likes, is pretending, you can understand what the man who already has a daughter or son, so serious in front of the children, is doing.
2, excessive nagging mother
It’s about being overly controlling of things in the family, possibly blaming, possibly nagging, always saying many, many things to the children so that she is actually satisfying her happiness through her mouth. Simply put, she is still in the oral period.
We can imagine that a baby’s link to the world is her mouth, so when a mother reaches the level of a mother, so much aggression and emotion comes out through her mouth, it means that she is using her mouth to abuse her husband and children, which is actually very common in Chinese families.
If the above two aspects are pictured, imagine a family where the father is pretending to be serious, the mother is nagging, and then the child is there to be abused.
3. Topics in the family are limited
In Chinese families, the easiest thing to talk about, and the easiest thing to hide the truth about, is the child’s studies.
Does this sound a little familiar to you? Mothers and fathers don’t have anything to talk about with their children, they are only able to talk about their studies, which is the most talked about thing in Chinese families, and everyone hides behind their studies to feel safer.
But when fathers open their mouths to talk about learning, it’s their way of hiding their inner fears and insecurities that they aren’t capable of dealing with themselves, so they take the veil of shame that is learning to keep it out.
And what not to be able to talk about in the family, such as sex, which is a highly qualified topic (random thoughts …… If a father and mother, to fix their own inner well, there will not be so much fear to qualify the child, in turn, when the parents are particularly uneasy when the child speaks about a certain topic, and want to qualify the child, they (When parents feel particularly uneasy when their children talk about a certain topic and want to limit their children, they need to look at their own uneasiness first, and there may be a knot that their own unconscious mind is anxious to untie.)
Of course, we are social beings after all, and sometimes it’s okay to consciously avoid some issues, provided that the parents are very clear about whether their emotions are covered up by the topic, whether for themselves or for their children, and to maintain the necessary boundaries between families.
This requires a mutual agreement between two people, or a family to avoid. This boundary and agreement is so that the child can feel that it is possible for him to control and participate in himself.
4, excessive symbolization
One of the current impressions that people in many countries around the world have of China is that Chinese children all over the world are learning the piano.
The piano is a highly symbolized representative, people give a lot of meaning on it, such as, nobility, elegance, class, etc., by being close to this object, to meet some of their own needs. On the other hand, there is also an implied need to be aggressive, for example, to take my child to the exam and see how my child beats others.
However, I sometimes have the ambivalence of seeing my children taking many art training or other ability courses now, while I had nothing at that time.
But on the other hand, they should envy us, because we were playing with more primitive things, for example, low symbolic things, such as mud, sticks, or some small animals.
As you know, children nowadays do not have the opportunity to be so close to nature, and this is one of the sadder aspects of children nowadays, where excessive symbolism can lead to hypocrisy, as well as to a decrease in one’s actual ability to live, and can also lead, to excessive emotional isolation.
Because, when it is possible to say directly to a person that I love you, he does not say, I will play a song for you. This time can also see that the distant distance between the heart and the mind, which contains the fear, the fear of getting close to another person, already indicates that strong internal conflict between the lack of security and getting rid of the feeling of loneliness.
This kind of internal smoke is so dense that only the winding channel of “playing piano” can be emitted, can you imagine the inner state of this person?
5, excessive contextualization
Now in society, a very common word “father”, whether in college, or secondary school, and now even in kindergarten, before enrolling in school, the teacher first to investigate is, what the child’s parents are doing.
It seems that this is now explicitly banned by the Ministry of Education, but many teachers are still latently doing it, and the children talk among themselves, my father is doing what, my mother is doing what.
Putting aside the banner of social morality, I carefully experienced what the psychological motivation for this kind of talk is: a person’s background has covered up the person himself, and for the parent to over-prove his social background in front of the child means that he is weak in his heart and afraid that he is not a good parent in the child’s mind, so he needs these backgrounds to block the front to isolate the child from his true self.
In the end, it is the parents themselves who feel in their hearts that they are not a good parent, and they are afraid that their children will see this, so they try hard to compile a magnificent background to block the children’s view. Unfortunately, children are born to be mind readers of their parents, and in the minds of children they know very well what their parents are doing.
Every adult has been a child, and it should not be difficult to appreciate this when you look back carefully.
It’s just that children are very kind, and so, too, cooperate with their parents to be a good audience. In order to appear realistic, at first, they tend to copy their parents’ words and actions as well, and come to promote their parents’ social background at school or in society, at the cost of the child losing their true self-worth in the process, as they stay in the falsehood for too long and forget the original truth.
Meanwhile, the society, teachers and other students like him, will cater to such a behavior, being attracted by the glamorous background and ignoring what kind of person the real him is, what his inner potential and characteristics are.
With superficial social pandering and admiration, the child will then slowly move further and further away from his true self, responding by taking pride in his parents’ background.
One image I can think of is that of a vine coiled around a large tree, to which survival can only be dependent. At the same time, the family background can be the ground for the development of inferiority in other families. Children hear in their parents’ overshadowing the voices in their hearts that they are not good enough, so the good children echo their parents’ voices and plant the seeds of inferiority in their own hearts, shying away from talking about their parents at school.
We often see in school, there are many such poor people are always bullied, and this shame, is a very striking attack target in the crowd, (it diffuses a message, decoded out is, I am not a good enough person, do not deserve the respect of others), here, we also temporarily put aside the flag of social morality, to look at their inner world.
The surrounding students, because they are children, are very sensitive to catch this message and respond by bullying him, so that he repeats the experience that I am not good enough. Thus deepening such a perverse psychological dynamics, such children later in society will often not be ordinary.
Either as an adult, he will angrily strive for a larger social context (as Wang Feng sings in a song, Stay Angry) or destroy it, or he will self-hate to suck the energy out of those around him, and he will unconsciously create many incidents that will involve those around him in a sea of sadness or bring them into a volcano of anger.
Therefore, people around him will often passively feel a sense of impotence. Just as back then, experience the parental background to depress yourself and not allow your true self to develop. One of my images is of a potted plant, a kind of heart-wrenching “beauty”.
There are families where the smell of herbs permeates the home and the parents feel that the child will always need to take medication, such as some vitamins or something, which implies to the child that you are sick.
Another is that a member of this family has a serious physical disease, or psychosomatic disease, such as hypertension, psoriasis, vertigo, migraine, or unexplained pain in the heart, as long as there is no organ lesions do the bottom of the personnel, do we feel that this now these incidence is very high?
This often reveals that the family has problems that are covered up, either with the previous generation or with the next generation, and the person has a very keen sense of what he finds, but at the same time is very real when it comes out, is collectively blamed, so he often sadly chooses to sacrifice himself to maintain the apparent balance of the family.
This reminds me of a recent news, a dog, see the owner of the whole family sitting around a dog hot pot, with hungry eyes looking at the food, he keenly smelled that the food is poisonous, so in the family ready to enjoy the food, frantically howling to everyone, but people did not understand what he wanted to express, think he did not feel the smell of its kind, or he was also hungry to eat, so they threw threw a piece of meat to it.
However, it did not even look at the piece of meat, but still insisted, almost with a wailing voice in the barking, this time people can not understand, angry to beat it, in the helpless, the dog chose to eat the food before the people ate, quickly ate the poisonous meat, and soon it died, and only then people were alerted, only to find that the food is poisonous.
There are times when your higher animals, some senses are indeed not as sharp as animals.
Similarly there are times when people who seem to be very intelligent have weaker sensory and emotional systems because their focus is on things and are less sensitive to some very subtle changes in human feelings;.
And many people who seem to be very confused, their emotional and feeling systems are more sensitive, but they are often unable to express what they feel very logically. They are kind enough to take the problems they cannot articulate in order to maintain the existence of the family and use their symptoms, even sacrifices, to save the family, even to save the family.
I salute these people from the bottom of my heart, but more than that, I want to call on each family member to take up the responsibility that should be their own, to feel with their hearts the people who are blamed, to feel their inner world, and to lend their bravery to see their own problems that they may have avoided, which often have their repressed true selves inside them.
Sometimes, people are afraid to see this, which often involves a person’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem, is the real powerful, or bluff powerful.
6. Workization
I meet a lot of families where the parents are working their butts off and then the kids give neglect.
Why do they have to work hard? It’s because if he has too much time at home, he has no control over himself and has to roll out his vulnerability in the family emotions. Because the family is a place where there is less reasoning and more emotion, that is, a place where it is easy to approach your true self.
Therefore, it is much safer to play with others outside, and it looks like you don’t have to be so distressed. There are really many children who are ruined by their parents with excessive hard work, and they are tremendously neglected, and many children have basically no impression of such parents in their childhood, so such parents do make a great contribution to the country and the nation, but they really owe their wives and children too much.
7, restrict a child’s interest in a speciality
For example, there are children who have good interpersonal skills but are a mess in learning, and there are children who have good academic performance but are a mess in interpersonal skills.
The child is trying to pathologically connect with the parent by using bad grades, meaning, if I am defective, you can take advantage of the situation. The accusation means that I’m paying full attention to whether there are any flaws in you and then attacking in.
This is a sign that there are no boundaries between family members, so accusation is an attempt to enter another person’s world and is an indication of undivided family.
Simply put, if a child has a deficiency in a certain ability, it is a sign that the parents are too close to him, and it is the parents’ aggressive behavior that incompetentizes the child.
8. Family role
This is also more common in Chinese families, for example, the father has been in a state of death in the family, and the mother, has too much power in the family. This is on the one hand gender identity, on the other hand, it is also used in this way to prevent the father from losing control in this family. The father is more aggressive and aggressive, while the mother, even if she is fierce, is also maternal, so the damage to the family will be much less.
9.Intergenerational involvement
It is a man who is not well differentiated, married to a woman who is not well differentiated, and then has a child, the family is likely to be a very sticky relationship.
Because they are afraid of the confusion brought by this sticky relationship, so they intentionally or unintentionally invite the child’s grandparents or grandparents into the family, which is the relationship invasion. This dilutes the relationship between parents and children in the family, which is typical of Chinese families, where three generations are cooking like a pot of porridge.
Once I asked Dr. Dan Liu a question: Can you explain in one sentence the difference between structural family therapy and systemic family therapy?
Structural family therapy places great emphasis on the couple as the core axis of the family, no matter what, to keep this axis stable and clear, as long as this axis is there, the foundation of the family will be fine.
In Chinese families, many of them give up the power of this axis to the grandparents or grandparents of the children, which may lead to many inner conflicts of the children.
One of the core solutions to the problems of the Chinese family is to strengthen the alliance between husband and wife to defend themselves against “external enemies”.
I know this will be offensive to many people, because many elderly people are retired and their whole heart is on their grandchildren. If I break their subconscious intention to do so, I guess I will form a bad relationship with many people.
But when I think about it, I think it’s worth it for the healthy growth of the next generation.
10, utilitarian relationship
This means that I love you, not because of who you are, but because of what you have.
For example, you have a lot of talent, you must play the piano for me to love you, or you must achieve a lot in society for me to love you. This kind of conditional love becomes especially sad when reflected in the middle of kinship.
If the love of blood and affection in the family is added to these utilitarian things, it is very difficult to know what the meaning of life is and what happiness is.
To generalize, my utilitarian, conditional love for someone is meant to isolate my unconditional love for him. The person who has not grown well as a person, who has not differentiated well in his family of origin, this unconditional love will make him feel panic, will make him feel like losing himself, so he needs to isolate the intimate relationship with another person in this conditional, externalizable way. That is, a state of love impotence.
If we expand a bit more, it is about culture. Culture is the setting, and in China, the famous one is the culture of Confucianism, Buddhism and Taoism. Confucianism is a culture that prescribes the order of precedence.
Simply put, the ruler is the subject, the father is the son, and once this rule comes out, it means that all people must stay where they are, and once there is a breakthrough, it is a transgression of the rule, ethics is ethics, Confucian culture only stipulates the power of the top to the bottom, but not the power of the bottom to rebel against the top under certain conditions, that is, in any case, must comply with this rule.
This is the downside that has gotten us into periodic, large-scale wars as a people. One can cultivate propriety, but one of his flaws is that Confucian culture is a shackle that stifles human creativity.
Let’s say you live in a group home with eight people in a dormitory, and then you suddenly want to let loose and sing a song at two o’clock in the morning. The result is that the degree of your happiness is proportional to the degree of pain of others, that is, how happy you are, how painful others are.
In undifferentiated relationships, one person’s pleasure is another person’s nightmare, and the same is true of relationships in the family. If mom and dad have a lot of dependence in their personality and no differentiation and independence, the child is destined to damage the parents. So the child will have all kinds of physical and mental illnesses, the most serious being schizophrenia.
Because of schizophrenia, they will never leave the family, that is, they will spit on each other at home.
I believe that a good state is to look at each other in the river and lake. More on the point, the relationship between, if you live in a separate unit, and soundproofing is also better, here is a metaphor for a better differentiation, that is, you just want to sing anything at night, what you sing, the degree of your happiness and they do not have any influence.