I wonder if you have encountered this scene: when you want to watch TV programs, open the button, there is no movement, you make every effort, still can not adjust the sound and image, when you go to bed with a lot of resentment, when the night is late, you are sound asleep, the TV set but hysterically loud, you woke up with a shock, thought haunted. Such a situation does not come out several times, you have to smash the TV inevitable.
Of course, this kind of poor response from the TV may be rare, but in married life, similar scenes are by no means uncommon. When your lover asks you about your situation, you don’t answer, but after a while, you turn your bitterness into anger to your lover, which leads to a war ……
Let’s try the following dialogue.
“Ah, honey, you’re back, are you busy at work today?” (Showing concern and asking how the other person is doing)
“Nothing.” (No clear answer)
“Sure, then will you help me with the dishes?” (Making a request)
“I’m exhausted today” (not answering explicitly, giving a vague reason)
“Honey, what happened today that didn’t go well at work? Tell me about it, will you?” (Asking again)
“Nothing, and telling you won’t help much.” The other person grumbles (again without giving a clear answer)
“I have some guests coming later, I’m tired for half a day, you help me ……” (another request).
“All right, fine.” The other party impatiently interrupted his lover (did not want to listen to his lover’s statement).
Both sides sulked and did the work, the guests came, and the couple was attentive to entertain, and after the guests left the cups and plates had to be cleaned up again, both of them were exhausted.
“Honey, help me ……”
This time the other party finally could not help, the volcano erupted “to help you, to help you, fuck, you when I am a robot ah! I am tired of going to work every day, and today I have to work overtime …… You take me as what”, at this time the other side also fire “I have long asked you what is the matter, you do not say, and now you lose your temper what. This household chores should I do alone? This family is my own? You really have no conscience ……” , so both sides complained angrily.
When the two reconciled afterwards, remembering the romantic time before marriage, they blamed it on too much housework, and housework became the scapegoat. Families in a position to hire a nanny, but the quarrels did not diminish, and finally one day both felt the need to divorce.
What is the reason in between? Psychological research tells us that its main reason is the lack of clear communication.
We can see from the above conversation that one party never got a clear answer from the other party. Psychologists tell us that timely feedback increases the motivation of the actor, improves the efficiency of the actor, and creates a feeling of being valued by the other party. What about actions that do not receive feedback? Just think of the TV that does not respond to people, how much trouble it adds to the user, the TV can be thrown away, smashed, but what if the two parties are the people who have had the closest relationship?
Tell each other clearly how you feel, answer your lover’s questions clearly, why not? But why can’t the closest people communicate clearly? When you are in love, the heart and soul, why will not exist at this time, instead of forming this kind of love and ignore the situation?
We know that the love when the love, heart and soul from the two sensitive hearts, the two sides thirst for understanding, eager to communicate, after marriage, thought the two people have been dissolved into one, there is no need to communicate. In fact, who can fully understand themselves, not to mention to understand others. Life is full of unknowns, the human mind is constantly changing, only to maintain a sensitive mind, so as not to divide each other.
In addition, communication comes from two equal individuals, the two sides respect each other, independent of each other, irreplaceable, which is the basic condition of good communication. If one party is considered to be completely subordinate to oneself, then naturally there is no need for communication, just as a slave owner does not care about the moods and ailments of his slaves. If the lover is considered to be subordinate to the family, he (or she) can not help with other things, and naturally there will be no good communication.
In most unhappy families, it is the neglect of these two points that makes the unpleasant conversations in the above examples abound. Fortunately, this unpleasant communication is not difficult to fix. As long as both spouses recognize the importance of communication and care for and respect each other, the following methods will be of great help.
A complete and clear verbal communication can be divided into three parts: a statement by the first speaker; an acknowledgement by the recipient of the message that he has heard the words; and then an acknowledgement by the initial speaker to show that he has heard the other person’s reply. This method may seem mechanical and ridiculous at first, but it demonstrates mutual concern and respect between the two people. If both spouses are committed to making each message clear and complete in every conversation, over time, their communication will improve a lot and their relationship will grow much stronger. Example.
Wife: Today’s TV show was really not a mistake. (This is the initial statement. It is also the beginning of the wife and husband to communicate their feelings)
Husband: It was good, I liked the show. (Acknowledging what he has heard. This positive and attentive response also shows the husband’s respect and concern for his wife)
Wife: I’m so glad you like the program too. (Acknowledging the husband’s approval. This positive attitude on both sides creates a good start to a pleasant conversation)
……
Like the first words of the “wife”, couples have to say many times a day, “it’s a beautiful day”, “the floor is a little dirty”, “today’s food really smells good”, etc. Usually the response to such statements is just a grunt, or a nod, or even no response. In this way, the initial statement of the person will feel left out, not respected, and in the long run formed a communication barrier, but also the formation of emotional barriers. We know that even a negative answer is much better than no answer at all. Because there are always times when couples do not agree with each other, the purpose of communication is to tell each other how they feel, so even a negative reply, a negative opinion, must be complete, for example
A: Honey, it’s Sunday, will you go shopping with me? (Make a request)
B: Better not. I have a business to talk about today, and I won’t be home until the evening, so I’m sorry.
(Make a reply. Explain the reason. Respect the other person and show humility.)
A: Okay, I’ll go back in a couple of days. (Respond to the reply. Show understanding)
Let’s take the earliest part of the conversation one more time using the above principles and see the effect.
A: Honey, you’re back, are you busy at work today?
B: Ah, today is very busy, I did …… I had to work late at night ……
A: Honey, I’m so proud of you.
B: Honey, how are you today?
A: I’ve been busy half a day this afternoon too, the dishes haven’t been washed, and the guests are coming later. Can you spare some time to help me?
B: Sure.
A: Great. After the guests have left, you can go about your business, and I will clean up.
B: That’s very kind of you, let’s get to work.
If the conversation between husband and wife is so direct and clear, so full of respect and tenderness, this is a kind of sweet scene.