Qian Zhongshu has compared marriage to a castle in Siege of the City, saying that those who are surrounded by the city want to escape, and those outside the city want to rush in. …… Zhao Qian and Zheng Wei have known each other for a few months, and then they enter into the marriage hall. Zhao Qian has reached the age of a leftover woman, and marriage has become an important task in her life. In the succession of blind dates, Zhao Qian meets a lot of people, but there is nothing special about them. She saw Zheng Wei’s first face although not to talk about like, but feel good, especially Zheng Wei on the Zhao Qian pampering, let her feel very solid, more suitable for life, the two get along with a few months into the “city”. Life together is not bad at the beginning, the couple love and sweetness. After a few months, both of them are quite critical of each other. Her husband suspects that Zhao Qian is too sticky for him and keeps calling all day long. Occasionally, he does not answer the phone in time and complains that he does not care about her as much as he used to; Zheng Wei attends his colleagues’ or friends’ gatherings and Zhao Qian makes excuses for attending them, and she really can’t attend them, so she calls them one after another. At first, Zheng Wei feels that Zhao Qian relies on himself and is quite proud of himself. After a long time, he feels exhausted and develops to the point where he is tired of seeing Zhao Qian’s phone calls, and the previous happiness has disappeared. Zhao Qian also feels very aggrieved and feels that her husband has changed after marriage. …… Both parties feel that marriage is like a shackle that binds the two of them. Structural family theory asserts that when two people form a couple, the structural formation of this new alliance should begin with mutual adaptation and the establishment of boundaries, because each person in the initial marriage tries to organize the newlywed relationship in accordance with his or her own familiar habits and pressures the other party to adapt to his or her own expectations and desires and to conduct his or her life along his or her own pattern. In order to adapt to each other, the couple must see each other as individuals and establish boundaries with each other and with the outside world. The marriage of the newlyweds above is caught in a state of “catching up — escaping”, where the wife makes much effort to catch up, and the husband uses much effort to escape, a vicious cycle that, if not interrupted, will lead to problems in the long run if they fail to catch up or escape. This vicious circle, if not blocked, not catch up or escape, will be a problem for a long time. Husband and wife relationship is like a rubber band, you pull hard at this end, he also pull hard at that end, will definitely break. If you let go a little bit, and he loosens up on his side, the rubber band will regain its elasticity and keep its vitality. Zhao Qian seemed to understand this, and tried to divert her attention when her husband was out and about or when he didn’t answer the phone, but none of these efforts seemed to help, and whenever such times came her heart felt like it was being scratched by a cat, and she was fidgety and irritable. She did not understand what was wrong with her and sought help from a family therapist. It turned out that Zhao Qian’s mother was anxious about her marriage and Zhao Qian naturally contracted this bad mood. On the other hand, her mother transferred her anxiety, which had no place to vent, into her excessive attention to her daughter, resulting in her daughter’s low level of self-differentiation, excessive entanglement with her mother, and her inability to cope with crises that arose in her life after marriage. Normal families, when encountering this kind of conflict, will adjust their structure according to the problem in order to deal with it effectively. Obviously, Zhao Qian did not have the ability to self-adjust, and she had to refine the degree of differentiation and improve her ability to self-adjust with the help of her therapist and the support of her husband.