A father has recently made a big splash in the media. His name is Siu Pak-yau, a Hong Kong native who is known as the “Chinese wolf father”. Xiao Baiyu’s slogan is “three days of beating, the child gets into Peking University”, as long as the child’s conduct and grades do not meet the requirements, they will be subjected to severe physical punishment. Now his son Xiao Yao and daughter Xiao Jun have been admitted to Peking University at the same time, which is the first time in the history of Peking University. Xiao Xiao xiao, the oldest, was also admitted to Peking University this year, creating a miracle of “three Peking University students in one family”. There is some truth in the old Chinese saying “A filial son comes out of a stick” and “You can’t make a weapon without beating it”, and nowadays children are only children and are more “delicate and proud”. Strict discipline for children is especially necessary.
The best proof of the success of “stick education” is that all three children of “Wolf Dad” have been admitted to Peking University. His “success” has set off a wave of discussion in the whole society: Is it better to educate children with sticks or candies?
Today’s young parents no longer have the old-fashioned concept of “filial son under the stick” for their children, and the practice of physically punishing children to achieve the purpose of tutoring has been abandoned by most parents. However, some young parents, because they want their children to become a dragon, or intentionally or unintentionally, take sarcasm, sarcasm, shortcomings and other means, so that the child in the spirit of different degrees of harm, we will call it “mental abuse”.
A, “mental abuse” of the specific performance
First, the implementation of mind control on the child. Some parents in order to make their children learn more knowledge, in school to get high marks, in addition to a large number of homework assigned at home, either to hire a tutor, or to find a variety of review questions for children to do. The child’s mental world is filled to the brim with exercises by parents, with no time to think about themselves, and the child is miserable about it. “The happiest thing in life is to play, the most annoying thing is the pressure to learn”. In a recently concluded national survey on the personality development of only children in urban areas, most of the children surveyed gave these answers to the only two free-response questions on the questionnaire.
The second is warning and intimidation. The most common words parents say to their children are: “If you don’t do well on this test, you won’t get a toy”; “If you don’t study hard, you won’t be able to go to the park to play”. Under such mental pressure, some children’s motivation to study becomes just to achieve some specific purpose. Some children feel anxious at the mention of studying. Words such as “failed the exam” and “failed the exam” hover in the child’s mind all day long like a black squall of crows.
Thirdly, there is a lack of encouragement and deliberate devaluation of the child’s abilities. Some parents, in order to stimulate their children to study, deliberately use the child’s shortcomings compared to the strengths of other children, and even in public, regardless of the child’s self-esteem, sneering at the child’s shortcomings, thinking that the child will be shy and grasp the study up.
Fourth, the child is not allowed to associate with other small friends. In the child’s spiritual world, the most important object of communication is a few small partners of similar age. Only in peer interaction can children learn to suppress inner aggression, control appropriate behavior, as well as learn how to properly assert their rights and wishes when necessary, but some parents ignore this, believing that their children play with other small friends, not to mention wasting time, but also playing apart, affecting learning. During holidays, children are locked up at home and not allowed to go out, so that they do not have the opportunity to communicate with their partners spiritually.
Second, why do parents mentally abuse their children?
First, high expectations make parents more and more demanding of their children. High expectations have become the main psychological emotion that plagues young parents in China. The results of a recent survey in Shanghai show that almost 100% of parents think the most happy thing is that their children do well in school; the most annoying thing is that their children do poorly in school. More than 80% of parents want their children to become brain workers. The fact that parents have such high expectations of their children is a psychological motivation for psychological abuse of their children. When they see that their children’s academic performance is not as high as they want it to be, when they see that their children are not developing according to the pattern they designed, they get anxious and do whatever they can to impose a mental clamp on their children.
Second, psychological knowledge is poor and parents don’t really understand their children. Some parents see their children as “children” with no feelings, no personal awareness, no independent thinking, and dictate their children’s words and actions as they wish, and children must follow the procedures set by their parents to speak and act, and if they cross the line a little, they will say “no” loudly to their children. “The child must follow the program set by the parents to say and do what they want. Children are deprived of a little free time by their parents, they talk with their parents, but also high up “report ideas” type; they have to accept their parents’ test scores again and again questioning, on the bad grades again and again “denounce”.
Third, “mental abuse” under the child is difficult to achieve
Mentally abused children may suffer greater psychological damage during their growth than physically abused children. This will never be erased in their future lives. In fact, children’s psychological problems have become a topic we can hardly avoid: a survey of primary and secondary school students’ psychological problems in Shanghai showed that about 20% of students have psychological problems. Among various psychological disorders, the largest proportion of neurological symptoms, accounting for 42%. The psychological quality test of 17,000 secondary school students in Liaoning shows that the rate of psychological abnormalities reaches 35% and the rate of psychological diseases reaches 5.3%.
This is reflected in the behavior of students as anorexia, running away, suicide, early love, fighting, cursing, etc. The psychological problems of children can be traced back to the mental stress caused by parents to their children.
A child’s heavy mental burden, little time for activities on their own, lack of interaction with small partners, and lack of an innocent and lively environment can lead to non-talkativeness, incompatibility, isolation, apathy, lack of adaptability, shyness and timidity. The child’s spirit is clamped, no space for their own thoughts, no time to imagine freely, free to create, will make the child’s creative buds wither prematurely. At the same time, the child does not get timely encouragement from parents, often subject to sarcasm, sarcasm, self-esteem hurt, will use other means of variation to meet their own self-esteem needs, both harmful to society, but also harmful to individuals. Imagine the lack of self-esteem, self-confidence, lack of creativity, do not get along, withdrawn, timid children can be healthy and successful?
Fourth, parents need to educate their children with the right mindset
Discipline of children is the world’s parents’ burden, is a discipline, it should also be a mandatory course for modern parents, the most critical is to have a stable psychological state first.
One is to learn how to stabilize their emotions, especially in the face of a child who has made a mistake, do not choose to speak out of anger.
The second is to learn to use positive and encouraging language to communicate with children, treating them as people with thoughts and feelings like yourself, respecting their personality, communicating with them in equal, friend-like terms, and not being condescending and reprimanding at will.
Third, learn how to use more body language in daily life to promote parent-child relationships; use example to emphasize and adhere to certain basic rules of life, rather than using words to instill children with much better results. Do not do what your child is forbidden not to do, but do it yourself, and do not do what you are asked to do.
Fourth, learn how to point out a correct solution to your child’s problem when he or she deviates in learning, rather than just pointing fingers.
Fifth, learn to accept your child, despite mistakes, but still strictly adhere to the principle of “only to the matter, not to the person”, so that your child knows that the door is always open for him, and do not say: “you are really stupid”, “rotten wood can not be carved “, “You can’t go on like this”.