Losing a son in old age is the most painful thing in life, and the grief of parents is even more unexplainable when the loss is the only child in the family. Old Zhao, who lives in the mainland and is nearly 60 years old, has been experiencing this pain for years: his only son has been killed in the line of duty for more than 10 years, and he still has trouble getting over the pain of losing his son. Although he had received some psychological counseling in the mainland, it had little effect. A few months ago, he came all the way to the hospital with more than 20 brochures about his son, seeking help and “taking a break”.
1, 10 years can not walk away from the pain of losing his only son
The son was once the pride of the old Zhao. Zhao grew up hardworking and conscientious, graduated with honors and was assigned to work at the police station, working well, highly praised by colleagues and leaders. However, the sky is unpredictable, more than 10 years ago, in an operation to capture criminals, Zhao died heroically to protect the lives of the masses. The government issued him a merit certificate and pension, and compiled his heroic deeds into a special book and asked Lao Zhao to tour.
Old Zhao, a civil servant, said he was proud of his son from the bottom of his heart, but every late at night when people are quiet, endless sadness will come to mind, feeling “empty inside”, often sleepless all night. He was especially afraid of seeing his son’s belongings and the room he lived in before he died, and even seeing people about the same age as his son, he would immediately feel a strong sense of loss and loneliness.
Unable to get out of the shadow and grief of losing his only child, slowly, Lao Zhao could not keep going to work and later had to retire from work. The couple used their pension and years of savings to buy two storefronts, but they also felt deeply that the material aspect of life no longer meant much to them. The old couple often quarreled over whose relatives would inherit the family property, and a rift began to appear in the couple’s relationship, from lack of understanding, grumbling, ignoring each other to anger and more loneliness inside.
2.Loss of an only child is the most serious life event
Recently, there is a group of people who have received a lot of attention from the society, and there are more people seeking psychological treatment, they are the “lost ones”, some people who have lost their only child due to disasters, accidents, diseases, etc. and cannot have children again. They have very low self-esteem in their lives, and are reluctant to contact outsiders and are depressed all day long. Old Zhao is one of them.
This is understandable. Psychologically speaking, the loss of a child is a life event that seriously affects an individual psychologically and spiritually, and it ranks second among all life events that seriously affect human psychology, after the loss of a spouse. Now, there are also views that the loss of one’s only child should be the most serious life event, above the loss of a spouse.
3.Lao Zhao belongs to “post-traumatic stress disorder”
The loss of his only child is a serious life event that caused a “stress reaction” in Lao Zhao. The “stress reaction” is not a disease, but an individual’s emotional reaction, generally divided into three stages –
The denial stage: the lack of acknowledgement of the unfortunate facts that have occurred, the lack of corresponding emotional reactions, and the seeming numbness of the person, lasting from a few hours to a few days.
anxiety-depression stage: showing anxiety, sadness, anger (e.g. attributing old age loneliness to external causes), depression, self-blame (attributing the cause to oneself, e.g. Lao Zhao often blames himself for not letting his children enter the police school back then), lasting generally from several weeks to six months.
The remission stage: This stage varies from person to person, and failure to remit for a long time, as in the case of Lao Zhao, can lead to stress disorder.
Lao Zhao’s grief and pain still failed to be relieved some 10 years after his son’s sacrifice, and he often could not control the recurrence of his son’s every word and deed in the past, was afraid to see the items he used and the room he lived in before his death, and would have a strong sense of loss and loneliness when he saw people about his son’s age, and later often closed his door. These are typical psychological symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. These symptoms are more likely to appear in people who are more rational and have more repressed emotions (such as repressing their sadness when they lose their only child).
4. Old Zhao’s Psychological Pain and Ways to Cope
Why has it been so many years since his only son left, but Lao Zhao’s pain has not eased at all? Lao Zhao’s psychological pain stems from two reasons in particular.
First, he had lost his spiritual support. The loss of an only child is the most serious separation anxiety in life. All the happiness and memories that Lao Zhao had with his son in the past were lost with the loss of his son, and his past life became incomplete. Even though it was a beautiful event in the “past”, it became painful because of the “memory” because it was lost to the “present”.
Adjustment methods
(1) Lao Zhao should accept the fact and adopt some mourning rituals, such as visiting the child’s grave, to help him say goodbye to the past. Although he had visited his children’s graves before, he did not say goodbye to the past psychologically, but rather suppressed his grief in his heart and brought the “past” into the “reality”. In the process of holding memorial ceremonies to commemorate the “fact” that his son had died, he would express his grief, which helped him to release his heart and say goodbye to the past.
(2) Try to build new relationships and develop more hobbies to get rid of loneliness.
(3) Learn to deal with anxiety and depression. For example, relieve anger, depression and self-blame by changing the way of attribution. Realize that birth, old age, sickness and death are very normal and unavoidable things in life, and the length of life is different for everyone.
Second, the loss of life’s legacy led to a deeper level of suffering for Lao Zhao. Self-preservation through reproduction is the most basic instinct of human beings, it is the most important motive for human beings to be able to continue, and is the result of natural selection. The loss of an only child fundamentally violates the human instinct of self-preservation and inevitably leads to an unconscious and intense sense of helplessness and suffering. Children who lose their parents can still give birth and pass on their lives, but those who have lost their only child can no longer see the hope for the continuation of life, which is one of the reasons why the “lost” are often more painful and difficult to adapt to on a spiritual level than the “orphans.
It is suggested that Zhao be exposed to some religious beliefs to gain a deeper or new understanding of life, which may have a relieving effect. If possible, adoption or adoption of children can also help to relieve the pain.
Related Links
For people like Lao Zhao, they need the support and care of society to alleviate their loneliness, both mentally and emotionally.
The best way to do this is to bring the “lonely” together in a community where they can support each other. Most of them have low self-esteem and believe that they do not have what others have, so most of them stay behind closed doors. Because they have similar experiences, it is easier for them to communicate with each other, understand and support each other, which helps to alleviate their low self-esteem and autism, so that they can slowly move towards society and reach out to the general public.
The most important thing is to listen. The most important thing for people like Zhao is to be listened to, to hear their children talk about how smart, understanding and good they are, to listen to their self-blame, to listen to their grief of losing their only child. Listening to them talk and remember over and over again is very helpful for them to vent their grief and release their emotions.
In addition, the “lonely” also need help from society in the material aspect of their lives. For example, Lao Zhao not only lost his only child, but also lost his livelihood. He often worries that when he is old and sick, there is no one to help him go to the hospital; the light bulb in his house is broken, and he cannot find anyone to climb to the roof to replace it. Zhou Yunfei pointed out that for these inconveniences in life, if volunteers and the community can provide some necessary help, it can also help alleviate their pain.