I don’t say that I am cured easily about depression, but I can say that I have found a way to live with it. Sometimes it still comes, but in this way I feel that it is becoming more and more gentle with me, so gentle that my friends and relatives do not feel its presence, so gentle that sometimes I am not sure if it has come. My understanding is that much of depression comes from an overly sensitive and violent personality: feeling strongly but lacking the skills and patience to deal with emotions. So the disorder is almost innate, or there are external factors that trigger the innate character “defect”. All the problems are entwined and may be expressed at first, but after not receiving proper attention, the bad feelings are doubly clogged, losing the confidence to seek help and even addicted to the pain. And you start to hurt yourself. I went through this process too, but it was relatively short, especially the self-injury. Looking back on those days, it was like standing on the edge of a big black hole with cold air coming out of it. Every day when I opened my eyes and regained consciousness, the pain came back at the same time as the ink dripping into the water, and all the sadness and grief began to spread. I couldn’t breathe, and my insides felt like they were being twisted in the washing machine, unable to lay them out clearly one by one. The only thing I insisted on was: to try to keep a normal human form in front of my friends and not disturb them. I thought I was doing well, but in the end one by one my friends were very silent and said: what are you sad about, why not cry it out? I laughed instead: last time it seems to have cried ah! The whole process of staying with friends to see, is to mobilize the residual energy to please them. Now that I think about it, in extraordinary times, actually do not have to stay with friends too often, unless that friend and you are familiar with as air. In the most difficult time, I did not lose my mind. This sanity is still able to see a little bit of the warmth of the human world and the loveliness of everything, if I am in a dry well, these things are dripping from the top of the manna. Sometimes, I am like a trembling old lady, pacing to the market, buy half a catty of beans at the door, and the old man who bought the beans to talk a few words to praise him that the beans are delicious, he will be happy mouth can ah praise me to look beautiful; or go to the butcher store to see if there is fresh pork, there is a half old lady is very charming, I praise her every day work hands are still so white, she will flip bangs to tell me, before more white; and the flower store Sichuan hometown, before always complained that I buy are small potted flowers, do not take care of some big deal, this time why not add a box of large osmanthus …… the more this time, the more I do not want to be special care, I need normal human fireworks, I need to prove that they have a normal life ability. These ordinary natural life force, is without purpose and from the warmth, no pressure at all. It is full of fun. I have a trait that as long as pain doesn’t punch me in the face and the world injects a little energy into me, I’ll go looking for fun. If I was born to marry pain, pain can only be a cuckold husband – I’m the slutty bitch who gives pleasure a wink even when my back is turned. Really, do not underestimate the power of this, in fact, this is my self-help function. I release these pleasures daily on Twitter, and the sadder I get the more I write about them. A happy, become many happy, people are infected by me to be happy, I may not be immediately really happy, but at least to harvest a touch of warmth. The sadness is not unable to write, but will be hidden under my happiness, not I hypocritical, I was born to feel that thing, directly on the table, very thin. I do not allow myself to be too thin. But the sadness in this happiness can often be seen by attentive readers, and they will therefore give me more encouragement. They accept and like the sadness in my happiness, the warmth in my humor. This is an accidental gain of my soulmate. This kind of expression is very important to me. It’s like finding the threads of a mess, so that the mess can be sorted out. Even so, the energy of self-expression to be recognized is not enough. Depression is a disease of the belly and the back: from the inside, the pain is difficult to export; from the outside, the energy is difficult to receive. If you find an appropriate way to express yourself, then it is much better to be able to find another way to receive external energy. With external energy, there is active and passive. Passive, that is, you are cared for, you accept that others care for you, and that’s good. But I personally feel that it is stressful to accept other people’s concern and at the same time want to see how to reciprocate. But if you can take the initiative to care for others, the energy you get by doing so is double or more. And it’s all joy. The symptoms of depression aren’t all bad stuff. Depressed people have one thing in common: they feel a lot (in a way, the disease is about feeling out of control). Many subtle things are invisible in normal times, but we can see those shimmering lights in the darkness, and the dance of dust in the shimmering lights. For people who have the ability to describe these things, depression is a way to be able to experience themselves and the world more deeply. I don’t know if you can believe it, but for a long time, I was able to hear the leaves, the bugs, the birds. I talked to them. I was also able to experience many of the subtle emotions in the human world that I didn’t understand before. I put my heart into it and even got a little carried away, helping stray animals find homes, having tea with a lost girl, scattering seeds back into the soil that were scattered on the concrete. All of these made me forgetful, and as I immersed myself in this world, I suddenly realized that I hadn’t been bitten raw by pain for some time. At first this time was about half an hour, but for a mind that can’t breathe at all times, it’s a breath of fresh air! People who do not have the pain of depression may never be able to appreciate the darkness that comes with the need to cry out at any moment. “From the time the sun rises in the morning, the world starts to be dark.” This kind of realistic inner portrayal gives me a sense of wistfulness! I guess experiencing their hearts is also an important part of therapy! All the pain is hidden in an invisible shell called “ego”, and I have been struggling to get out of this cage, but all these methods are like fighting inside a rubber cage: open a little, let go, and “boom” immediately rebound. Only this forgetfulness can dissolve part of the ego, forgetting myself, which is actually forgetfulness. There is a Tibetan wise man called Shia Rongbo Khenpo who once said: “Everyone has pain and everyone is afraid of it because few people dare to approach it and see what it really is. If you really get close, and look closely, and study it, you will find that it is not as powerful as you think. This is true. Pain is addictive, and so is overcoming it. Every time depression peaks, if I can set my mind on it, find a touch of warmth, a touch of humor, and overcome it on my own, the reward is confidence in myself. The next time it will come, but it’s not as scary. This mess blocking the heart, there is a thread, look for it, find it, slowly pull it out, and pull it out a little.