Many people’s lives are doubly influenced by their childhood. Every day of a child’s life deserves our attention, so let’s treat our children with the right kind of love.
Basic beliefs of NLP parenting education
1. Children are born to love, trust and obey their parents.
2. No child’s bad behavior is directed at the parents.
3.The love that parents give to their children can be replaced by nothing else.
4. The child is constantly trying to learn, even when he is at his worst.
5. Every child has all the abilities needed to have a successful and happy life, and parents are just helping him to unleash this ability.
6, the child’s intelligence and ability are normal, although he does not care about what parents care about.
7.No behavior is equal to the whole person.
8, there is always a better way, only in the parents are willing to find.
9.Parents are the biggest determinant of the outcome of each child’s growth.
10.All parent-child relationship improvement must come from some changes of parents first.
Parents should remember that in order to make a difference in their children, parents must first make a difference in their own thinking, speech, behavior and emotional performance. Parents who are not ready to change themselves but only want to change their children will not succeed.
Parents should have the right attitude toward their identity when dealing with their children.
(1) Parents are not superhuman, nor are they perfect; parents are just normal people. Therefore, parents need to admit to themselves that: they will win and they will lose. There are times when they are in a good mood and times when they are in a bad mood. Smarter than some and dumber than others. Highly capable in some things and weak in others. Can’t have everything you want. Can’t always be without fault.
(2) Parents and children have the same needs. Because both parents and children are human beings, therefore: Parents want to be respected by others; so do children. Parents want to be treated fairly; so do children. Parents want others to be kind and friendly to them; so does the child. Parents want to be appreciated when they do well; so do their children. Parents want to be understood and encouraged when they do not do well; so do their children. Parents want support and comfort from friends when they feel sad, troubled, or depressed; so do children.
(3) Parents will always be the parents of their children, always giving them love and support. So: When the child succeeds, the parent shares the joy. The child is happy, the parent feels happy. The child keeps learning and improving, and the parents keep encouraging and praising. Parents support their children every time they fall down and get up again.
(4) The parent speaks and acts to achieve the above truth, so that what is said is consistent with what is done: the parent need not always be right, successful, and happy in front of the child. Parents are not afraid to admit mistakes to their children. Parents need not hide their emotions from their children. Parents do not have to worry that their children will be vulnerable because of it. A parent’s natural, relaxed way of showing that he/she is the way he/she is is enough to go through their journey, and the child will naturally create their life with honesty, confidence and positivity.
Ten basic tips for parent-child relationships
(a) No two people are the same.
1. No two people see the same thing absolutely the same way, so there is nothing surprising that your child sees things differently than you do.
2. There must be something about your child that is better than you, and your child will not have all of your strengths and advantages.
3.Everyone has different beliefs, values and rules. So you can’t ask your child to have exactly the same character as you.
4.Respect the differences of others so that others will respect their uniqueness. You can accept your child’s differences so that he will accept your view of him.
5.What happens to one person cannot be assumed to happen to another person with the same result. So your experience is a reference for your child, but not necessarily a guarantee that it is the right or workable law.
(B) One person cannot control another person
1. One person cannot change another person. Change yourself so that your child can change accordingly.
2. One person cannot “teach” another person. Therefore, there is no “teaching”, only “learning”. Therefore, it is important to “teach” the child, but it is more important to make the child “learn”.
3. One cannot ask others to give up their own set of beliefs to accept another set. Children also have their own set of beliefs. It is only when you understand his set and see it from his point of view that you have the best chance of accepting your opinion.
(C) the meaning of communication is determined by the other party’s response.
1. What you say is not important, what the other person hears is important. It is useless to always emphasize how correct what you say is, it is what the message your child receives that is important to him.
2, using the language that the child understands and can accept to speak to him will have the greatest effect.
3. The effectiveness of speech is controlled by the speaker and determined by the listener. The child’s reaction tells you that what you say is not effective, you can change the words and ways of speaking to control the effect.
4.Change the method of speaking to have the opportunity to change the effect of listening. The more you say that there is no effect, the less acceptable the child will be and the less effective it will be.
(4) Children learn by following their parents’ behavior and emotions, not their parents’ instructions.
1. The parent handles a situation with a pattern of behavior that the child sees and will follow next time.
2. When a child sees a parent’s reaction to a situation, he or she assumes that it is correct. And when they face the same thing themselves, they will react the same way.
3. Words or text by themselves do not produce behavioral or emotional responses in the child’s body or mind that have a learning effect. Therefore, instructional coaching is not very effective.
4. Parental instructions that are given in a language pattern that the child does not understand can make it difficult for the child to follow. Think about whether the child will not understand it first and correct it before speaking.
(E) All behavior must have its positive motive.
1. Everyone has to do something to satisfy some need within him or herself. All the child’s behavior has its positive meaning, but he does not understand and cannot say it.
2. Parents need to separate their children’s behavior from their motives. The nature of the child’s behavior is wrong or ineffective, and we should deny it, but the child is always constantly attempting to improve his knowledge and abilities, and we must affirm his motives for doing so.
3. Identify the positive motivation behind your child’s behavior, affirm it, and then guide your child to find another, more effective approach, which is the easiest way to make your child accept you.
4. There is nothing wrong with emotions and motivations, but the approach chosen is not the desired effect. Emotions give the child strength or direction, and motivation maintains the child’s desire to improve, and it is the parent’s responsibility to help the child find effective practices.
(F) There is a better way, and everyone will follow it.
1. People refuse to change because they have not found a better way. The child must understand for himself that that is the more effective way before he will accept it and therefore change.
2. Let a person realize that another method will get him more and cost him less, and that person will naturally adopt that method. The child, like every human being, is constantly working on this point.
3. To offer a better way is to help, that is, to give the other person more options; to specify that a certain method must be used is an attempt to manipulate the other person. All people welcome help and resist manipulation. Your child also welcomes your help, but will resist your manipulation.
(7) There are always at least three solutions to everything.
1. Unsuccessful so far, simply means that the methods used so far have not yet yielded the desired results. With children must insist on the effect, not on the method.
2, only believe that there is still an unknown effective method, there will be a chance to find it and make things change.
3, the more ways we know about something, the more certain we are to do it; the same with children, the more options you have, the greater the chances that your child will achieve the results you want.
(H) The growth process is a learning process.
1, the child tries a variety of different approaches, is trying to find out the best one of them.
2, the child learns from what happens so that he knows how to deal with the same things that he encounters in the future.
3.The child has to keep trying new ways to know which one is the best.
4, the child’s life is full of curiosity, precisely to learn how to master more.
(ix) You should help your child grow up instead of replacing him/her.
1.Any attempt to replace the child’s growth will eventually make a negative effect in the child’s body. The child will not learn and will be dependent and lack self-confidence.
2. A parent who does what the child should do on behalf of the child will not gain the child’s respect. A child who loves to be dependent will complain and be critical of his or her parents.
3. Encouraging and guiding children to do their own thing is the most effective way to help them grow. This way the child can grow up to be capable and can take care of himself/herself.
4. The child’s spontaneity, positive attitude, and self-discipline are all related to this point, because they all need to be developed from “doing their own things”.
(10) “Love” should not be used as a bargaining chip
Parents’ love for their children should override everything else, and this love is the source of the greatest confidence and vitality in their children’s growth. Therefore, the child must not have any doubt about this love.
2. If this love is conditional in the parents’ language, the child will have doubts about the high level of the parent-child relationship. This love is the foundation and pillar of the parent-child relationship.
3. If this love is lost because of something the child does, the child will gradually become unconcerned with it, and with the parent-child relationship. Therefore, don’t make everything conditional on it.
4. If parents make conditions on their children and use this love as a bargaining chip, the children will also use their love for their parents as a bargaining chip in the future.
In today’s society, many parent-child relationships are completely broken for this reason.