As a psychological term, “narcissism” is receiving increasing attention. There are reports that the world is experiencing an onslaught of narcissism. From the 1980s to the present, the increase in narcissistic personality traits has been as rapid as the increase in obesity. When we hear the word narcissism, we also think that it carries a pejorative connotation, that it is bad, that it is a disease. The concept of narcissism comes from ancient Greek mythology. Legend has it that there was a prince named Narcissus who fell in love with his own reflection in a pond. He then stared at his reflection all the time, teared up, and eventually turned into a daffodil in the pond. The English word for daffodil also happens to be narcissus, and the English word for narcissism is narcissism. We can imagine this scene, which helps us understand the nature of what narcissism is. When this prince keeps staring at his reflection, do you think he is lonely? Is he unapproachable? Because all his attention is on this reflection. It’s not himself he’s in love with, it’s the reflection. A reflection that is fragile and can be easily broken by an external shock. Why is it fragile? Because it is too fragile, without a base of love, it is a barren land. What is narcissism? There is a saying that everyone is narcissistic. This doesn’t mean that everyone has an almost pathological state of self-appreciation like the mythical prince, but rather the part that relates to self-appreciation. This is a level of self-esteem that everyone has, and the level of self-esteem, whether it is high, stable or not, and whether it is well regulated or not, can be used as a dimension used to measure the maturity and health of a person’s personality. In this dimension, everyone can find the corresponding points, even the same person, in different situations, can also be in different positions, these points constitute a continuous spectrum, we can roughly divide this continuous spectrum into healthy narcissism and pathological narcissism. Of course, this division is not absolute. 1, the distinction of narcissism (1) Healthy narcissism Healthy narcissists have a moderate level of self-esteem. They do not rely so much on the achievements in the external world: such as appearance, other people’s affirmation and praise and other external things to regulate their own self-esteem level, to get a sense of existence. Instead, they rely on their own internal, relatively stable sense of self-worth. That is, they regulate their self-esteem level through the confirmation of their self-worth in the internal psychological world. People with healthy narcissism can withstand negative emotions when they are frustrated. Because they have a clear and stable understanding of themselves, they understand and accept their limitations and do not try to be perfect. At the same time, healthy narcissists are able to express themselves with generous and moderate self-appreciation. They do not feel shy or afraid of being attacked, nor do they feel frustrated that their displays do not receive enough attention and praise from others. Healthy narcissism is generally based on good early parenting, such as a high-quality mother-infant relationship. Healthy narcissism also has a more mature level of personality development and more advanced types of defense mechanisms used. (2) Pathological Narcissism Depending on the level of narcissism, pathological narcissism can also be divided into, for example, narcissistic personality traits, narcissistic personality disorders, malignant narcissism, and so on. But since today is a popular lecture, I will not make a clear distinction. What I would like to share is that after so many years of counseling, I have observed and experienced some of the basic traits of people with pathological narcissism. (1) Excessive expenditure of energy to achieve success in the external world These narcissists are excessively obsessed with career, money, status, power, and even talent, beauty, perfect love, and many other relatively labeled things. It is important to emphasize the word “excessively”, as in the case of constant plastic surgery, excessive muscularity, and excessive fame and fortune. There is a difference in degree, and not everyone who does these things is a narcissist. There are some “unsuccessful” narcissists (where “successful” and “unsuccessful” are socially generalized, i.e., a superficial value judgment, not really successful) who are extremely ashamed of their lack of success and try to hide the parts of themselves that they think are imperfect. self-perceived imperfections. They will expect to become the idealized version of themselves through constant effort. Or they may satisfy their idealized expectations by approaching a certain object that can be idealized by them and merging with such a perfect object in their fantasies. (2) I am special, I am the most important Narcissists unconsciously exaggerate the importance of the self. They may have achieved something in their field or group because they have put a lot of effort into it. But they are never satisfied and are extremely incapable of failure. So they actually tend to have higher levels of anxiety. In order to achieve the feeling of “aura of success”, narcissists need to invest all their mental energy in themselves, or in what they are doing, or in what others think of them, which is still essentially all about themselves. Lacking the kind of heartfelt curiosity about others, the outside world, or even nature, their hearts are relatively closed. But they do not realize this. (3) Difficulty in establishing stable and intimate relationships Narcissists will tend to look for people who are similar to themselves to establish a relationship with, or to establish a relationship with certain parts of this person that are similar to themselves. Psychology calls this twin empathy. That is, I like and approach the other person as if he or she were exactly like myself, which is still essentially being with myself. But such a relationship is not deep or real because the person doesn’t really see the other person in the relationship, or doesn’t embrace those parts of that person that are different from themselves. Once the other person in the relationship makes him feel different from himself, then he loses interest in that person as well. For narcissists, building stable intimate relationships can be difficult. They also need to fall in love, get married, and raise children, but the essence of the relationship is this: they use these significant others as if they were part of their own outgrowth. In relationships, narcissists unconsciously practice a form of exploitation of these people. The closer the relationship, the worse this unconscious exploitation will be. The narcissist will impose his thoughts and feelings on others, not treating them as individuals apart from himself, but expecting them to be completely submissive or consistent. Over time, the other person in the relationship will feel oppressed, uncomfortable, devalued and disrespected. (4) Lack of empathy Another trait of the narcissist that can be seen in the difficulty of establishing a stable and intimate relationship is the lack of empathy, i.e., the ability to put oneself in another person’s shoes to understand and appreciate the feelings of another person. For example, in a male narcissist’s couple relationship, once the wife expresses thoughts and feelings that are different for the husband, the husband finds it difficult to understand. Because in his logic, you and I are one, how can you be different from me. The harder his wife tries to express her thoughts, the more puzzled he will be, and he will be completely deaf or completely unintelligible. (5) Easily Jealous Narcissists are very easily jealous or easily feel that others are jealous of them. People with healthy narcissism think when they see others succeeding that you are good and I can be good too. We’re just not the same. But a pathological narcissist will not be able to stand when others are good and they are not. Or pushing themselves, when they achieve something, they will feel jealous of others who are bad because of it. This trait greatly affects their ability to establish stable interpersonal relationships. 3, the psychological causes of narcissism Some people think that the narcissistic personality will be so much psychological energy bet on themselves, he is really love himself! But in fact, narcissism, is not the same as loving yourself. The aura or affirmation that the narcissist desperately seeks is not something they really need. What they need is to be loved for the “aura” they have acquired. What they really need is unconditional love. Why do they need unconditional love? This desire for unconditional love is usually based on early parenting experiences. This brings us to the cause of narcissistic psychological problems. We human infants are extremely vulnerable at birth and are completely incapable of surviving on our own. As a result, babies desperately need their mothers to feed and care for them. At this point, if the mother responds and cares well enough, it creates a sense of security in the infant’s psyche. Of course, no mother is perfect, so it is okay for the mother to be moderately frustrated and imperfect in her response to the infant. In short, the infant gets the sense that my needs can be met by my mother and that it’s OK to have little less than perfect. So what, when I grow up, the whole thing that I have needs in the outside world is not so terrible. However, if the infant is over-satisfied during the early years of life, i.e., the mother does everything she can to satisfy him – this is not observed much in clinical practice, but more often in the latter case, i.e., the mother’s excessive lack of timely response to the infant’s needs. This, then, leads to an overpowering sense of frustration early in life, and the infant can be helpless and desperate. But the infant always has to live, and this is when the human psyche develops a protective mechanism: to create, to visualize, the existence of a perfect mother. Because of the existence of such a perfect mother, my pain can be soothed, and I won’t be so desperate and difficult. Or, this infant develops another psychological self-defense mechanism: that is, he slowly tells himself that I have no need for the outside world, that I don’t need anyone to take care of me, that I am strong enough to be self-sufficient. When this extends into adulthood, it becomes difficult for them to truly allow themselves to have a psychological need for another person in an intimate relationship (or to use another person only as an extension of themselves), and instead they base all that they feel they can rely on on the external material world that they can access and control. Why depend on the external world? Because it is uncontrollable and dangerous to place the hope of satisfying one’s needs on another. Like the early infant, for whom his mother is a completely uncontrollable object, it is difficult for him to repeat the feeling of being out of control and hopelessly helpless. So he is only able to place his hopes in his own controllable world. In this world, if I work hard enough and am strong enough, someone will love me, I won’t be so vulnerable, and I won’t need anyone else. Although the narcissist has developed a way of self-protection, in reality he is still very vulnerable and helpless on the inside. The desire to have a perfect mother who will fulfill all his needs is always present. In adulthood, this desire may manifest itself in intimate relationships. Psychologically, for example, that baby within them will demand and expect their spouse, or even their children, as their perfect mother, “All my needs, you’re going to meet!” This is a subconscious need that he himself cannot realize. 4. Can narcissism be treated? So, in counseling, can narcissism be treated? Of course it can. In the process of psychological counseling treatment, through the counselor such a mirror, to help the person to experience the psychological world of emotions. We need to see what the narcissist really needs behind his psychological state. We need to see what the narcissist really needs behind his psychological state, and we need to provide him with enough understanding, companionship, and empathy so that he can slowly come to understand his own needs. Instead of the halo and glory, the reflection in the water, that he thinks he seeks on the surface. We need to allow the narcissist to slowly become able to tolerate the real experiences within. These experiences may be very desperate, sad, and desolate. Or they may be very longed for, but unavailable. He feels worthless and not good enough to get a response. This process takes a long time. Because some of these very deep desires are repressed very deeply and for a very long time. In addition, it must be necessary for the narcissist to realize that there is something he needs to change in order to be motivated to counseling. Finally, we need to remember that pathological narcissism is not incomprehensible, nor should it be reviled or demeaned. There are many things that he needs to understand, and what he really desires is true love. Therefore, I hope that more people will understand what narcissism is, that they will be able to understand the general causes of narcissism, and that they will have the opportunity to be more understanding and even helpful to those around them – if they have such problems.