I. Interaction is a need for growth When it comes to adolescent interaction, it certainly ranks lower than learning in the minds of parents. This is not only true in China, but also in Western countries. In order to write this chapter, I looked up “peer relationship” on the Internet, and kept reference books borrowed from the library at hand, most of which talked about teenage relationships from the perspective of emerging problems. For example, the book “Nine Problems of Teenagers” translated by a Taiwanese author that I have here lists behavioral problems such as “children lying”, “not having friends”, “hanging out with bad kids”, and so on. The problems are entirely elaborated from the perspective of mending the fold. However, we rarely see academic books that start with why you’re failing. In fact, from the perspective of mental health, an illiterate person can be a relatively healthy person as long as he or she can adapt to the society in which he or she lives, whereas a person with poor interpersonal skills is doomed to fail to integrate healthily into society. From the point of view of child development, interaction is necessary for growth. An extreme example is the “wolf child”, who was adopted by a mother wolf when he was an infant. Although he had no defects in his innate qualities and was once a normal toddler, he has completely developed the habits of a wolf due to his isolation from human society. Recently, I saw a feature film on television in the United States about several young children who, due to their mothers’ alcoholism or other reasons, had lost adult care and lived with the family dog, and were not found until they were 7-8 years old, and it was already difficult to rectify their habits, and there were great difficulties in communicating with other children of the same age. Despite the fact that there are full-time special educators responsible for education and research around the clock, and they are already able to engage in ordinary conversations and become literate, the gap between them and normal children, especially in terms of non-verbal communication, is still difficult to bridge, and it is feared that they may have to live with this mental disability for the rest of their lives. The above examples show that it is entirely possible for a child who is born normal to be left without the necessary interpersonal contacts to result in a state of severe disability. The lack of modern education, on the other hand, although it does put them at a disadvantage in modern life, does not constitute a necessary condition for disability. Second, the fetal period In fact, communication with the child begins in the fetal period. A pregnant woman’s feeling of fetal movement is not limited to counting how many times it moves. A delicate mother-to-be can often perceive her child’s reaction to her activities and change her behavior accordingly. For example, in a noisy and confined shopping malls, the fetus in the pregnant woman’s abdomen may appear to be different in frequency from the usual fetal movement, the mother-to-be at this time may not have felt any other discomfort, but from the fetus annoyed reaction, will decide to leave the environment. Of course, this is not yet interpersonal interaction in the true sense of the word, but rather mother-infant bonding based on biological nature. Although there are still controversies about the so-called fetal education, for example, it was once popular to let the fetus listen to music through extracorporeal methods, and some experts point out that the fetal hearing is not yet fully developed, so this is unlikely to be effective. However, paying attention to the reaction of the fetus and adjusting one’s life is obviously universally supported, because it is a kind of communication in itself, a kind of communication directly through the body’s reaction. Whether to listen to music or recite Tang poems depends entirely on the preference of the pregnant woman; as long as the mother is comfortable and healthy, the fetus will benefit. Third, infancy After the child is born, the mother has an inherent advantage in communication with the baby, which is the medical term for mother-infant bonding. This is based on the biology that mothers and infants were once one and the same, and that there was communication before birth, but it was not yet interpersonal because there were no interpersonal boundaries yet. One way to look at the communication between the parents and the infant after birth is to transform the mother-infant bond into increasingly complex interpersonal interactions. The parent is the party with decisive power in the process of establishing interpersonal interactions with a normal infant. Unfortunately, however, the dual-career, short-term maternity leave system practiced in our country is very unfavorable to the gradual transformation of the mother-infant bond into interpersonal interactions. Babies have to change primary caregivers after a few months of life, and the conflict between the rhythms of going to work and being the mother of a baby is very obvious. During the day, one has to work at a competent pace as required by the adult world; at night, one has to go home and switch to the baby’s physiological rhythm of getting up at night from time to time. From an early age, the child has to experience separation anxiety over and over again. Similar problems exist in developed countries, especially among highly educated professional women. It has become a global problem with no good solution. The approach in Western health counseling books is to go home and try to mentally drop the work shadow and be a mom when you are with your children. That’s fine to say, but it’s not easy. In China, where the tradition of the extended family is rare, a common social phenomenon has emerged – intergenerational parenting. That is, one or both parents of the elderly to raise children, or even take turns. In China, the most common problem brought about by intergenerational parenting in urban areas today is the limited socialization of children. Due to the limited energy of the elderly, coupled with the expanding urban population and the complex environment, many elderly people have to resort to restricting the child’s range of activities to ensure safety. The opportunities for children to play with their peers are greatly reduced. When we were young, especially in the summer, often a compound of children playing with their friends until after 9:00 p.m., often to parents called more than three times before they would go home. Nowadays, this kind of scene is almost impossible to see. Without running and playing and equal peer interaction, how can children who are better nourished than our generation get the necessary physical exertion and mental fulfillment? And so it becomes even more difficult to bring them up at home. Older people are guilty of not being able to meet the needs of their children, so coddling occurs. Overprotection coupled with coddling and keeping the child close all the time results in behavioral problems in the child. The Story of Silence A neighbor of mine had her child, Silence, raised by her grandmother until she was three years old. When she returned to her parents at kindergarten age, she was unusually well-behaved and even a bit mousy. When he saw me, he called “uncle!” But the tone of voice is flat, no emotional color, no eye contact. I can’t help but think that some cars are equipped with “Reverse! Back up!” warning tone installed on some cars. When he arrived at kindergarten, he wouldn’t play with other children, but just stood on the side and cried. And his mother a exchange of understanding, his grandmother since childhood prohibited him and other children to play, afraid of suffering, afraid of injury ……. The grandmother’s years of life precipitated insecurity, distrust are transferred to small children, his psychological development of the distortion of the role is obvious. Fortunately, returned to his parents earlier, after more than a year of parents led by changing the atmosphere of life and kindergarten collective life exercise, finally turned into a lively and mischievous child. I saw him at the kindergarten sports meeting talking and laughing with the children in front of the line, and from time to time, gently pushing and shoving playfully, compared with that reversing radar-like scene, it is already a different person. Silent was lucky, but what would have happened if similar situations had continued? The professor’s grandson Years ago, I saw such a case in a psychiatric outpatient clinic. The child was in middle school, and his parents reported that he was bullying his grandfather at home, dropping things and pushing the elderly. This child’s parents work often need to travel for long periods of time, he is the grandparents brought up, and it is not and grandparents have no feelings, or grandpa rough treatment. His grandfather is a professor at a famous university, once accompanied to the clinic, smiling, courteous, and very mild temperament. Only in the grandson tantrum Sven lost his temper, hard work to organize more than half a year’s book manuscripts were torn to shreds. The boy is taller than even I am, and talks to the doctor quite politely, and is not violent in character. Both parents and grandfather confirmed this, and reflected that he never broke discipline at school and was particularly timid outside. A vivid example is that once he rode the bus to school, and because it was rather crowded, he did not manage to squeeze to the door in time when he arrived at the stop. He didn’t dare to raise his voice to ask the conductor to wait, and preferred to sit for one more stop and walk back. This made him late and he went home to complain to his grandfather. He relied on his grandfather and hated him at the same time. He takes all his emotions out on his grandfather. He knows it’s wrong, but it’s hard to correct it. That’s right! In order to be corrected, he has to have a reasonable outlet for his emotions. He has to learn to socialize with his peers, and in doing so, he has to learn to express his feelings and defend his interests. He has been “absent” from these “lessons” that should have begun in early childhood, so how can he handle them by rationality alone? The above are typical examples. When it comes to children who don’t eat properly, chasing and feeding, lying, playing tricks and other behavioral problems are even more common, and are sometimes a manifestation of children’s emotional disorders. If parents are not in a hurry to correct their children, but rather take a moment to review their recent interactions with their children and the atmosphere of the home, it is often not difficult to find the real answer. The interaction between parents/grandparents and the child at this stage is the most important foundation in his life, and whether it is overprotective, coddling, or inattentive or rough treatment, it can have a negative effect on the child. There is also a special case in early childhood that is relatively rare but even more confusing for parents. Case: a pair of anxious young parents A gentleman and Miss S are university graduates, free love marriage, married husband and wife, life is harmonious and happy. The second year of marriage is expected to get a son, son long tiger head and brain, big and slightly deep eyes seem to penetrate an indescribable wit, but also to the small family added countless joy and excitement. However, the good times did not last long, they gradually realized that their child compared with other children, seems to have a lot of incredible places. The child’s memory ability is particularly good, the children’s songs taught to him will be unintentionally sung out in full, where to go on a trip to remember the way back. He was not interested in toys that children in general would love, but liked to play with round bottle caps and cosmetic bottles, he was good at repeatedly twisting his fingers in front of his eyes or rattling the wheels of a toy car, and he was especially fascinated by TV commercials and weather forecasts, and from time to time he repeated what he had seen on TV, but only repeated it mechanically. He did not respond to being called by his name, as if he did not hear it. He doesn’t reach out for his parents to hug him like other children do. He doesn’t like to be approached by parents or children, and is more comfortable being alone. He does not make friends with children, does not play hide-and-seek and play house with others, often hides in a corner by himself and plays with a piece of flannel, and so far, he still needs to be fed by an adult, who takes care of his bowel movements and daily life. Further observation also revealed that he played with blocks, but only in rows, and could not build bridges or cars, and he stubbornly insisted on living in the same environment and way of life, and became irritable and screamed and banged his head when changes were made. This problem is known in child psychiatry as “child autism”. It is characterized by impaired social interaction, impaired verbal communication, and abnormal behavior, and the cause is still unknown. If you encounter such a situation, you should go to a specialized hospital as soon as possible. Fourth, the elementary school period Nowadays, elementary school students in big cities, parents are mostly dual-income, the morning to send, at least 7 o’clock out; after school, first have to hosting, the evening parents rarely may be 6 o’clock before going home. In other words, children spend most of their time with their teachers and classmates, except for sleeping. This is especially true of children who attend boarding schools. While pre-school children are still primarily socialized with their parents and kindergarten teachers, school-age children tend to be more autonomous in their interactions with their peers. Adult-like social organizations begin to emerge in the play of school-age children. The child’s identification with roles becomes important. Children begin to learn the rules of adult society, and the bad customs of adult society begin to infiltrate their minds. The young cadres become the best of the collective. They either do well in their studies, have outstanding special skills, or are particularly enthusiastic about public welfare, all of which are supposed to be esteemed by society, but according to the old Mr. Freud, they are all the demands of the superego on the ego. If the demands of the superego occupy an excessive position, the ego (instinctive) things will be squeezed out of the normal way out, the child can be praised more and more “exemplary”, but the price is the loss of innocence. I know a young cadre of children who used to be the teacher’s favorite, the pride of her parents, and a role model for her classmates (at least that’s what the teacher always said). She helped the teacher collect homework, she organized hygiene checks for her classmates, and she encouraged the activists to prepare a program for June 1 so that they could represent the class on stage. Everything seemed to be going well for her, and she became the voice of what adult society demanded of children. In order to do better, she worked hard, and when she encountered difficulties, she began to push her “lagging” classmates. Gradually, she became more and more unhappy, and her classmates turned away from her, not admiring her from the bottom of their hearts because of her authority. She began to think that someone was jealous, and she worked harder. But one day, when she was voted down by her classmates, she felt a great sense of grievance and loss. Society expects more from people than any ordinary person can fully achieve, always more than what everyone can achieve, so that human society can progress. Only a very few individuals in the population are fortunate enough to be truly exemplary; to give an example, “Lei Feng is just unusually, only unusually good, and the vast majority of us can’t live up to it.” Being an exemplary person is a matter of biology (e.g., a child with an antisocial personality base is unlikely to be an exemplary student) and the assurance of a nurturing environment, and it is something that can be achieved but not sought. It can be cultivated with care, but it cannot be deliberately forced. Otherwise, the degree of distortion of human nature is no less than that of training a person with imperfect pronunciation to become a singer. When a child reaches elementary school, she is already able to internalize the external requirements into her own requirements. Perhaps the teachers and parents are not forcing her to be a model, but certain children’s personalities are more characterized by self-compulsion and constant pressure on themselves. The child does not realize that an exemplary person cannot be achieved in a short period of time by deliberate effort. At this point, as a teacher and parent, she should be reminded that it is all well and good to be disciplined and competitive, but that she should also be able to tolerate her own and other people’s mistakes and weaknesses, and that she can strive for more people to work together in a relatively pleasant manner in order to make real progress. Unfortunately, in the real world, we adults do not do this very well. If the principal in a school has limited management skills in pursuit of the school’s survival, if she excessively pressurizes her teachers and lacks encouragement, and if a teacher is deeply pressurized and feels unsupported, how can she be allowed to drive the small cadres under her by good example? Without good role modeling, reasoning alone is not very effective in fostering interaction skills. In the case of the cadre mentioned above, there was nothing wrong with her “stepping down” earlier. After a period of adjustment, she returned to the innocent and lively relaxed state, in fact, “her smile is also very beautiful. If not corrected in time, the development of a child’s personality can easily go astray. As a psychiatrist, I have seen this kind of “step down cadres” in high school, because the distorted elements in their personality have settled for a long time, and they develop into neurosis under the blow of stepping down. In elementary school, there are other special conditions that have a greater impact on children. Children with ADHD, for example, have difficulty with discipline. The average adult may think that it is not necessarily bad for a child to be hyperactive. But being overly active and unable to be quiet is obviously bad for growth. The full name of ADHD is “Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder”. Such a child’s attention is not long-lasting, and he or she is overly active, which is commonly known as “yawning” in Beijing, but in fact, not only his or her hands, but also his or her whole body seldom stops. As you can imagine, such a child will easily be taken as a “bad” model in the classroom. Once he falls into the backward group, it will have a negative impact on his development. This is especially true when the child’s shortcomings are biologically determined and cannot be corrected in the short term through subjective efforts. Such a child needs special education, but the current educational environment in our country is not able to do so, and the only way to create a relatively just environment for the problem child is to rely on cooperation and understanding between teachers and parents, and to try to create a relatively just environment for the problem child under the guidance of a doctor. Even more insidious than hyperactivity disorder are various learning disabilities. We all know that some children are better at math and some are better at languages. There are those who are good at it, and then there are those who are deficient. Psychologists and educators have found through research that some children have special difficulties in learning certain skills, such as those who unconsciously skip lines when reading, so that what he reads is incoherent; or those who can’t distinguish a pair of objects in a mirror-image relationship (e.g., person and in, 6 and 9). This will undoubtedly cause them great difficulty in learning, and the average teacher who does not know this may think that he is either not paying attention or that he is deliberately messing up. In fact, it may be neither, but simply that he has difficulty in some way. In some areas of difficulty, defective children are more likely to develop a sense of inferiority, in peer interaction, so more parents, teachers and even society as a whole need more tolerance and help, but now most of the cases, we do the opposite. V. Adolescence When it comes to “youth”, the first thing that comes to mind is vigor and poetry, which reflects the mood of the onlooker. Parents of adolescent children may not be so relaxed; after all, it is an age of rebellion. There is nothing parents worry about more than sex-related issues. Somehow, the most beautiful things in this world are often the most ugly and unpleasant on the other side. Confucius said, “Food and sex are also sex.” But there are far fewer poems celebrating food than love, and there are far fewer negative issues related to appetite than those related to sex. No matter how gluttonous or bad eating, it is not a moral issue, and robbing others of their food is usually just a minor property issue; but sex is a different matter, and if it is not good enough, it will be associated with the ugliness of the soul, and there are penalties associated with breaking the law and committing a crime. There is a special marriage law in the civil law, which defines the social attributes of gender relations, and bigamy is a criminal offense. The criminal law has a variety of specific provisions relating to sexual offenses. It seems that the pressure on sexuality is the greatest of all basic human desires. At the same time, with all the means used, it still worries everyone so much. Obviously, sexuality is also one of the worst issues that mankind has ever dealt with. It is the poor handling of this issue in the adult world that makes us extra nervous when our children start facing it. The first thing parents should make clear when faced with such a problem is that the problem lies more with us as adults than with our children in particular. Is the relationship between husband and wife harmonious in your family? Can you and your spouse communicate easily about sex? Can you share memories of your first love? Can you help each other socialize with the opposite sex? Can you elevate your sexual desires and urges to the level of beauty and enjoyment, rather than just to the level of “dirty jokes”? Can you recall any help you have received in your own sexual development? Can you discuss sexuality with your children? If you answered yes to the above list of questions, I’m guessing you won’t have too much trouble dealing with your adolescent child. If, unfortunately, you don’t feel confident in this area yourself, there’s no need to be over-anxious. The basic point is not to judge your child harshly, and not to dictate what is not allowed outside of the law and accepted moral norms. Then putting your foot down and learning with your child will be a way for you to catch up on this lesson, as well as helping your child to go through it less often. After all, there will be things in your life experience that can help him/her. The most critical and difficult aspect of being a parent when dealing with your adolescent child is the role change. That is, the gradual shift from being a nurturer and leader to being an equal caregiver and reminder. If this is still too abstract, imagine how different your attitude would be if it was a relative’s or friend’s child who came to your house to stay for a while. As the saying goes, “A child is a guest.” That’s the truth. Children also generally feel more comfortable at a relative or friend’s house, their autonomy is fulfilled, and they tend to appear more knowledgeable and responsible. This is a process of interaction between you and your child, and hopefully you will be the initiator, taking care to seek your child’s input as early as the teenage years, allowing him/her to decide for himself/herself what he/she wants to do within his/her own abilities, with you acting as a counselor and a role model, assisting, not planning, his/her development. Don’t wait until your child begins to rebel based on biological instincts before you become passively involved. As the saying goes, “The power of example is limitless.” As long as you’re not living your life too hard, how can your child grow up with your style of living and not learn from you? Most children are able to “learn from the best”. The fear is that sometimes they take it for granted that they don’t feel bad anymore, and then they ask their children to live according to their own style, only to be denied by others. If your child is more adept at learning, not only learned your strengths, but also the introduction of other families of “advanced experience”, may allow the incorporation of some fresh style, don’t you want your child’s life more colorful? The real problem is that in addition to learning your strengths, your child sometimes unconsciously learns your weaknesses. He/she wants to change but doesn’t know how to start, so he/she turns to attack you, the “teacher”. At this point, the biggest fear is that the parents can not see their own limitations, and can not tolerate their own limitations. In this way, it is inevitable to turn to the counterattack, “You are not as good as my son!” Rebellion and suppression cannot be dismissed as a form of communication, but it fails to teach children tolerance and understanding. What counts as bad communication? How harmful is it? Just reasoning is still too abstract, so here is an example. In the 1970s, there was a mother who was a doctor and had three children. Due to her busy schedule, she sometimes failed to take care of her children’s emotional needs, which was very common at that time. More than one teacher told me stories about their children. For example, one teacher told me that she was writing an article there, and her child crawled under the table to play with a beehive of coal under the table, only to find that the child was practically black by the time the article was almost finished. Another teacher, who was down in the countryside, was on duty in the emergency room of the township health center when someone came running to complain, “Go and take a look, your son has set all our pigs free.” It turned out that since there was no time to control his son, the child played with the pigs in the dry school and rode on them as a commander. This time I don t know how to get it, put the pig out ……. But this mother’s child has a particularly stubborn personality, and the mother is also a strong character. There is an example, still in kindergarten, the child in the morning to mother to send, the mother to work no time, let her walk to their own (just in a compound, five minutes to, and at that time there was no problem with law and order, the child also know, usually also walked by themselves). The little girl was adamant that she wouldn’t do it, pestered her mom to death, and when she was halfway there, she relied on her mom and refused to go. As a result, her mother left her behind and ran to the health center on her own. A short while later, a coworker reported, “Go check on your daughter, she’s kneeling on the road, moving forward one at a time!” This pair of mother and daughter later interaction is also pinpointed more often, less communication with each other. The daughter, feeling unloved, pursued emotional fulfillment outside the home. By the time she reached adolescence, she was constantly involved in unstable sexual relationships. Often, they start to feel that the other person cares about her and makes her feel satisfied, but soon realize that it turns out to be a liar, especially when there is a big gap between their age and hers, which is easier for them to make her feel “warm” at the beginning. At this point, the mother’s reasoning does not help, nor does being there for her satisfy her. Due to the continuous experience of intense emotional frustration, she several abortions, slit her wrists, take drugs, emotional life is like a hungry person, constantly eat bad stomach, a little better and then go to eat ……. See here, you may think that this is a very irresponsible mother. In fact, it is not at all. From an onlooker’s point of view, she is a quite capable mother, struggling from a small town in the middle of nowhere to Beijing, and paying for several children to graduate from university. Every time something happened to this child, she was distraught. Every time the child was hurt, she asked her to come back, hoping it would give her comfort. But it seems that this daughter is her nemesis, they just can’t talk together. Her education is seen as suppression by her daughter, and her daughter’s approach is simply seen as unintelligent by her. Finally, the hunger for affection could not be satisfied from the improvement of the material standard of living, and after another experience of breaking up with her boyfriend, her daughter could no longer see the meaning of life and chose to end her own life at the age of 26. This is just an extreme example. There are many other similar examples. Some children become addicted to playing video games; some go to cabarets to play all night and start taking drugs; some run away from home and get caught up in criminal organizations ……. Their common characteristics are that they do not have a warm and relaxed family atmosphere, they do not have good parent-child communication, and they are rejected in peer interactions. You may think that these examples are extreme and feel that your own child is not related to these. Let me give you another example that is too common to be true. There is this girl who is neither the oldest nor the youngest in her family. Her character is quite well-behaved, and since she was a child, she has saved adults’ heartache, listened to her teachers after school, and her homework is also good, and she is still a small cadre in her class. Everything could not be smoother, and it seems that she should not have anything to be dissatisfied with. But she was the one who, behind her silence, had the same desire to communicate with her parents as other children. When she lived in middle school, she purposely didn’t go home one summer, wanting to make her parents anxious so that she could prove that they cared about her. When her parents called to ask how things were going, she stammered that she wanted to study more and review her homework, and that building a house at home was messy. Her parents thought she knew what she was doing and had a point, so they really didn’t come to pick her up. They felt that their daughter had always been self-control, not to go home can also save the travel expenses, the family is raising money to build a house. But she was very sad and cried for a while. Finally, she decided that she would never do such a stupid thing again. Indeed, she never showed her parents her desire for love again. Unfortunately, nor did she learn to satisfy her deeper emotional needs through other interactions, just being good. She gradually grew into the well-behaved girl. When choosing a boyfriend, she favored the kind that she didn’t really like, but the other person pursued her relentlessly. By not really liking the other person, she didn’t really get hurt; the other person’s relentless pursuit ostensibly fulfilled her need for attention. They got married and they had children. But life has taught her that not really liking can hurt. Because you let the other person get hurt, it always turns back on you. It’s not always the other person who changes their mind, and as far as I know, her husband is still in love with her, but he also still can’t figure her out. She is emotionally invested in her child, who happens to be very much like her, so it seems like she is the only one who understands her child. The rest of the family felt emotionally helpless in taking care of the child. Finally, the family’s emotional balance tilted too much, helpless husband’s mental condition is getting worse and worse, from a lively young man, into a sighing, do not know why in the end they live in the middle-aged man. She, on the other hand, worried about how she could stand it once her children grew up and left her. And the child? Due to the antagonistic atmosphere in the house and the fact that he can only identify with one of the parents, he has become a man of few words. He is happier only when his mother is playing with him. But how long does this happiness last? This is not a fairy tale, such a situation exists in many families, most of them do not find a doctor to consult, but the same affect the healthy growth of their children. VI.CONCLUSION The healthy growth of a child cannot be achieved without interaction. From the mother and child connection, to the real sense of human interaction. From completely thinking for the child, to gradually learning and progressing together with the child. Limited to the content of this book is child and adolescent mental health issues, this topic will not be extended. But it is clear that the problem of interaction is not something that can be brought to a close by adolescence. We continue to learn to deal with a wide variety of people throughout our lives. Since this series was organized by the Ministry of Health, and most of the contributors are doctors, more is said about pathological problems. The intent is to prevent some of the tragedies we see every day. “Abnormality is a key to recognizing normality.” Some of the anomalies we find in our clinics are presented for your information in the hope that they will serve as a wake-up call. Don’t run down that unhealthy path. This book, which talks about children’s and adolescents’ problems, is really for parents, for adults. So, it says that adults have more problems. If each of us adults would take responsibility, children’s problems would be much better solved. This is not to stand on my feet, I am also a parent of a child, so let’s count this statement as a word of encouragement between me and you! Finally, I wish your children healthy growth, may you and your family have a good communication.