In class, I saw Behrman do a small case study of a visitor who was asked to take care of her younger sister when her parents were not around at an early age, and her parents were notoriously harsh to her. As I watched Behrman do it, I remembered a similar situation with one of my own visitors and came up with the following four healing steps. I spoke with my sister who is a visitor yesterday and the results were very good. I think there are many references to childhood trauma, especially the injustice of parental practices and the lack of care. As a therapist we can refer to it, and as individuals we can refer to it as we heal ourselves, both are the same thing.
The first step is to acknowledge the injustice and the difficulty
We need to vindicate the child who was hurt and aggrieved.
It was unfair, I was a child too, I should have been free to play, now I have to take the responsibility of taking care of my sister, it was not my duty, it was my sacrifice, and you did not appreciate and thank me, you gave me so many criticisms, demands and even orders, you deprived me, ordered me, harshly criticized me, it was very unfair!
That is not fair, I was a beautiful girl, but you guys are disappointed with me because of the ugly opinion of patriarchy, how I tried to get into your hearts, even if I did better than my brother and younger brother, you still like boys to despise me, that is not fair!
That is not fair, originally I was a sacred life, but you told me we can not compare with others, originally we should speak for ourselves, but you out of fear to me to go against the grain; that is not fair, you as a father, your strong is supposed to protect and support me, but you used to threaten and order me, and you actually enjoy your victory, this is very unfair and inhumane …… (This article refers to Xiao Qian’s parents)
Rest assured, we have all suffered our own injustice, if our parents were not Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, but even the Buddha suffered the injustice of his parents, and his father tried every way to use him as an heir.
Go and fully acknowledge this injustice, don’t be afraid of anger and resentment, don’t be afraid even of hatred, don’t ever be hindered by traditional filial piety, which is supposed to be the greatest sin, go fully into anger and resentment, without hindrance or fear, and then the love covered by resentment will come out, if you love and resent, you will neither be able to love properly nor resent properly, neither side. If you want to really love yourself, then fully go to speak for yourself, these are real, why “should not” to suppress, parents are the most love-hate people in our lives, if there is “I hate to strangle you” “You don’t deserve to be a parent” and similar words are completely normal.
But I’m not talking about revenge, I’m not talking about lashing out at your parents, if that happens, don’t feel guilty, if it doesn’t, I don’t recommend it. You can accuse your parents to your counselor, you can accuse your parents to yourself in front of the mirror, but don’t go and do that directly to your parents. For the parents, I think the maximum words are: I was really hurt when you did that, and I still think about it now, and I’m still very aggrieved.
In short, this step is to acknowledge the injustice done to that child and vindicate him. There is no need to suppress anger and resentment, full anger is beautiful and natural, then grief will come in, anger to the extreme is grief, when grief comes, acceptance will begin, when acceptance begins, love will be born. Because all anger and resentment is just seeking love.
Step 2 Appreciate and thank yourself for surviving
Imagine that child, who has endured so much, suffered so much, been aggravated so much, repressed so much, been alone so much, been helpless so much, suffered so much …… to finally live until now, to have the opportunity to be aware and heal, to have the opportunity to be himself, this is the great achievement of that little child.
I have a picture in my mind, that is, a soldier was wounded, he saved himself, he may not even be able to walk, he crawled, endured the pain inch by inch crawl, a section of the endurance over, through the thorns through the swamp through the darkness, so long, so far, finally came to a safe place, he saved himself, he is a hero. All his efforts and sacrifices were to let us live, and he did, and we can enjoy the safety, freedom and “live” he brought us.
We can appreciate that little child is so tenacious and persistent, and thank him for his hard work and efforts along the way …… For that little child, there is no way he can fight against that environment, the best thing he can do is to save himself and survive, and if we enjoy this “survive If we enjoy this “living” then there is every reason to give that child great appreciation and gratitude, if we are not willing to look at this part, do not care to look at this part, then it is not anyone’s injustice, but our own injustice to ourselves.
Step Three Forgiveness
The first step is forgiving our parents for not knowing and being limited, believing that they love us at the deepest level, believing that they do not mean to be against us, believing that they are in their own pain and limitedness, forgiving them for not having had the opportunity to know the true meaning of love, for not having been loved well enough, believing that their attitudes toward us are not only the attitudes they have encountered, but the best of them, even the ones they have improved, after their efforts; no longer need to seek them out for love like a little child, but as an equal to give love, to give understanding, to give letting go …… we are now stronger than they are, with a higher and much higher level of consciousness, with more ability, and with more opportunity to learn and become aware, and when we do stand up We can then go and love them, first of all by forgiving and respecting them.
The second thing is to forgive ourselves. Forgive yourself for not being able to take care of yourself, for not being able to give yourself security and freedom, for not knowing how to speak up for yourself or being afraid to speak up for yourself, for your limitations as a child.
Forgive yourself for suppressing, hiding or even deforming yourself to fit in with your environment, for accumulating so many emotions that you may become angry with others, irritable and restless, with your emotions growing and lengthening; forgive yourself for accepting the wrong teaching and implication of that environment and humbling yourself, thinking that you are not important, not good enough, thinking that you do not deserve it; forgive yourself for not being able to recognize, perceive and get rid of Forgive yourself for not being able to recognize, realize and get rid of those difficulties, loneliness and fears; forgive yourself for not being able to learn self-love, self-esteem and self-compassion in that environment, but often working against yourself, often being critical and even harsh to yourself. Forgive yourself for acquiring ideas and patterns, thinking patterns, feeling patterns and behavior patterns that are not good for you. Forgive yourself for having done injustice to others, causing stress, anxiety and pain to others because you could not digest your emotions. Forgive yourself for your inner disharmony, forgive yourself for living with a limp as if your leg was injured.
Forgive, forgive yourself so you can forgive others; forgive, don’t look at the bad and wrong in anyone including yourself, only look at the good and out of love that you deserve to do so.
Step 4 Who I am
No matter what you do, no matter what you say, you are showing the world who you think of yourself as.
When you complain, when you are angry, who do you think you are?
When you are lonely, when you are afraid, who do you think you are?
When you think you can only be happy and satisfied if others change their attitudes toward you, who do you think you are?
If you like to think of yourself as a wounded child, if you think of yourself as a powerless child, if you see yourself as a weak woman, if you see yourself as a wimp, that is your right and your way to get pain, you have the right to do that, you have the right to do that all your life, if you want; likewise, you have the right to see yourself as a mature and responsible person for yourself, you can yourself Respect yourself, accompany yourself, love yourself, comfort and support yourself, you can get diamonds from your wounds and transform into maturity from your difficulties, even if you are not used to and familiar with doing so, you can learn and can definitely do it, if you are willing;
Likewise, you also have the right to feel yourself in a larger perspective, you can recognize that you are originally a life, flawless, self-sufficient and complete, those experiences, feelings, perceptions are not you, you have them but they are not the same as you, you are a stage that has staged the drama of sadness and helplessness, if you want you can also invite comedy on stage, you are the only master, you are not any play, you can present, You can rewrite your script using tragedy as a tension and ambush, you can appreciate any presentation on stage without judgment and with complete acceptance, you can be with any scene but not of them, you can have eternal harmony because you carry them and not they bind you, you can be eternally satisfied because you lack nothing and will not lose.
As a final note, it may only take ten minutes to read these four steps, and it may take a lifetime or several lifetimes to complete them completely, but it doesn’t matter, you will know it anyway, sooner or later; what matters is to be well where you are, with a map of the mind into the ascension in your heart, a willingness to move forward, and a patience to go gradually. When you have enough trust and patience, there is scenery all along the way, and it’s fast.