First, it is in everyone’s interest to learn to draw appropriate mental boundaries. You may think it’s a good thing that you don’t have clear boundaries with others, so that you can get along as you please and you don’t have to bargain fiercely with each other. This may sound reasonable, but the downside is that people often hurt your feelings without you even realizing it. In fact, if you look around you, you can easily see that people with poor boundaries are prone to pathophobia, and instead of confronting the aggressor, they prefer to confide in a third party. If we were the one who violated someone else’s mental boundaries, we’d feel like a big, cold-blooded jerk when we found out the truth. At the same time, we’ll feel victimized because we’re both remorseful for our transgressions and outraged that a third party rolled in to judge us. Clear boundaries are good for everyone. You must understand what others can and cannot do to you. When someone violates your mental boundaries, tell them for correction. If it’s always hard to draw mental boundaries, then you need to raise your level of awareness. Second, find a method that works for you to calm yourself down when you feel like you are about to lose your mind so that the blood stays in your brain and you make rational actions. Americans have jokingly said: when things come up, rational children let the blood into the brain, can think intelligently; savage children let the blood into the limbs, the brain is empty, crazy impulsive. Yes, when the blood fills the brain, you are sober and well behaved; on the contrary, when the blood goes to your limbs and tongue, you do stupid things, are impulsive and violent, and speak out of turn. In fact, scientific experiments have proven that when we become overstimulated under stress, the blood does leave the cerebral cortex and we lose our demeanor. At this point, the animal nature of the brain takes over, causing us to act like the most primitive of animals. It is important to understand that behaving like a primitive animal can lead to big trouble in a civilized society. There are many strategies for controlling emotional outbursts, and one way to do this is to pay attention to your heart rhythm, which is an accurate ruler for measuring emotions. When your heart is beating fast at 100 beats per minute or more, it’s vital to straighten out your emotions. At this rate, the body secretes much more adrenaline than usual. We lose our minds and turn into belligerent crickets. When the blood starts rushing to your limbs again, you can use the following options to calm down: 1. Breathe deeply until you are calm. Inhale slowly and deeply, allowing the air to fill your entire lungs. Place one hand on your abdomen to make sure you’re breathing the right way. 2. Talk to yourself. For example, say to yourself, “I am calming down.” Or say, “Everything will pass.” 3, Some people use water therapy. Taking a hot tub bath may make your anger and anxiety disappear along with the bath’s bubbles. 4, You can also try American psychologist Donna Aydin’s method: think of something unpleasant while placing your fingertips on your forehead above your eyebrows, pressing your thumbs against your temples and inhaling deeply. According to Aiden, do this for just a few minutes, the blood will return to the cerebral cortex, and you will be able to think more calmly. Third, when you want to complain, stop for a moment to ask yourself first: “Do I want to continue to put up with this seemingly unchangeable situation, or do I want to change it?” For endless complaining, we call it nagging. Complaining consumes effort without accomplishing anything, is useless to the problem, and rarely makes us feel better. Almost all of us find that we feel better if we pour out our grievances to a sympathetic third party who will get angry with us. Someone says to you, “Poor baby.” This is a great relief to you, your stress seems to be relieved, and so you are able to face the original situation again, even though things haven’t changed in any way. But what if you hadn’t complained, you would have felt a tremendous amount of psychological pressure. Stress is not a bad thing sometimes, yes, it may make you feel uncomfortable, but at the same time it is the force that motivates you to make changes. Once the stress is reduced, it is easy for a person to maintain the status quo. However, if stress is not lost in complaining, it can build up and reach a limit, forcing you to take action to change the status quo. So when you’re ready to complain to a sympathetic friend, ask yourself: do I want to reduce the stress and maintain the status quo, or do I want to let the stress continue and push me to change things? If it’s the former, then get rid of the stress by complaining. We all have our moments of whining, and it can make us feel better for a while. But if the situation really needs to change, make up your mind to take action! Fourth, sweep away anything that wastes energy. What are the forces working against our emotional intelligence? The answer is everything that wastes energy. Many people’s nervous systems are as thickly calloused as their father’s hands. We have become accustomed to not realizing the expenditure of energy. Energy is subtle, but it can be experienced as noticeable, such as a surge of adrenaline when you hear good news and a feeling of exhaustion when you hear bad news. We don’t usually pay attention to subtle drains of energy, such as spending time with a negative person, looking around for a piece of paper on the table, etc. What are some slow energy drains in your life? I have a small piece of carpet piled up in the corner of my house, and every time I see it, I think someone might trip over it. It wouldn’t be a big deal, but it distracts me from my energy. That’s how we define things that distract – we feel distracted after every contact. Sometimes it’s the same with friends where they are – sucking and giving energy to each other – but some are energy vampires who will only suck the energy out of you. There are two options at this point: one is to face up to the problem and establish mental boundaries to continue to interact with them discreetly; the other is to cut back on interacting with such people. Indeed, we need to remove what is slowly wasting our energy and free ourselves to focus on improving our emotional intelligence. Want to accelerate-you can choose to reduce resistance or increase push. Try the methods we offer: 1. Make a regular list of things that drain your energy. 2. Systematically analyze the list and divide it into two parts: A. What can be changed. B. Those that can’t be changed. 3.Tackle the problems in list A one by one. For example, for me, hang my car keys on a fixed hook so I don’t have to look around. 4, Look again at the problems in list B. Are you sure? Is it possible to move some of them to list A to solve? 5.Give up the problems in list B. Fifth, find a living example in life. We have all experienced the age of learning from role models, those role models for us noble and distant. So our enthusiasm for learning from role models faded in the distance from them because we knew that we might not be able to become big heroes in our lives. Yes, you can’t be a big hero, but you can be a happy regular person, like your friend Denise, who is energetic, young, generous, smart, and fun. She runs a gynecology clinic, works as a corporate consultant, writes a regular column for a city quilt, has a handsome husband and a lovely daughter. Do you have such a wonderful person around you, make him your role model! You can think: I can do what she can do, but our styles are so different that I can’t possibly accomplish what she does the way she does it. But I will mimic some of the things she does and accomplish them my way. You will always see potential in yourself from her that you never realized. Find role models for you to follow in the people around you! They are smarter than you though, better educated, at a higher level, and have more perseverance than you. You will naturally improve your emotional intelligence as you catch up with them. Sixth, parenting. Parenting teaches you a lot. When a child screams, “Why don’t you buy me one? I hate you!” You can’t despair and rage, you need to understand him and accept the reality of extreme resentment. Realize that this is the best gift your child can give you, but of course the hate should not last. Parenting is a win-win ending. In parenting, the child learns how to relate to young parents who are not yet mature. We as parents, on the other hand, smooth out the edges as we curb our needs to meet our child’s needs. Parenting automatically increases our emotional intelligence and makes us more competent parents. If you don’t want to have children, try babysitting for a friend; spending time with children can really improve our emotional intelligence. Seven: Learn from people who are difficult to get along with. We are surrounded by whiny, bossy, gut-punching people, and how we wish these people would just disappear from our lives because they can make people angry and desperate, even mad. Why can’t we just round these people up, buy an airplane ticket, and send them to an island where they’ll never bother anyone again. But it’s best not to. These difficult people are our helpers in improving our emotional intelligence. You can learn silence from the talkative, patience from the grumpy, and kindness from the evil, and you don’t have to be grateful to these teachers. Moreover, what you define as “difficult people” may turn out to be people who are different from you, and who are difficult for the so-called difficult people. The most effective way to deal with difficult people is to be flexible. That is to say, discover their ways and try to be flexible enough to adopt the same ways as them in your interactions with them. If the person likes to make small talk before getting down to business, your response should be to relax and talk about family. On the other hand, if the person is straightforward, you should cut the small talk and get to the point. In this way, you will be more effective in dealing with difficult people, and you will find that these people are not so difficult to deal with. The second point in dealing with difficult people is to treat them as a gift. Judy was married to a bully. Married life was full of ups and downs for her because she didn’t have very clear boundaries. Years after the breakup, she learned to appreciate him because he taught her the importance of establishing and maintaining boundaries. Now when she meets such a man again, she simply doesn’t care. Judy says, “After having lived with him, these are the guys you just don’t give a damn about.” If she had been married to an easy-going guy, she probably wouldn’t have had clear boundaries and would have had a hard time dealing with those difficult guys by now. Still, given the choice, maybe we’d never choose difficult people. Eight: Try another completely different approach from time to time and you’ll broaden your horizons and improve your emotional intelligence. Are you a cheerful and outgoing person or an introvert who just likes to be alone or with a few close friends? Do you like to plan each day in advance to know what to do or do you have no plan at all? Everyone has their favorites, and if given the choice, everyone would choose the way they favor. However, suddenly routine and trying diametrically opposed actions will help us grow more. If you’re always the centerpiece of a party, change it this time and try letting those who are usually unassuming take the limelight. If you’re always passively waiting for someone to strike up a conversation with you, take the initiative and go up to them and say hello.