I heard my own counselor tell this funny story.
When she was taking her PhD exam, she was very anxious – worried that she wouldn’t make it and that her preferred advisor wouldn’t want her.
At that time her ex-boyfriend tried to comfort her: “Honey, it’s okay, look you’re still a master even if you can’t get in, don’t worry.”
She felt that her boyfriend was not capable of comforting her in any way because she was still very anxious.
Later, this need for her boyfriend to calm her anxiety grew, and his “incompetence” also made her more and more dissatisfied. Finally, she chose to break up with her boyfriend.
Interestingly enough, her current husband was strikingly similar to her previous ex-boyfriend, but she didn’t see any problem with it at all.
She explained to us that the type of ex-boyfriend was actually perfect for her, except that the reason he couldn’t comfort her at that time was because she didn’t have the ability to calm her anxious emotions herself.
When she discovered she had the ability to control her anxiety, the matter stopped being an obstacle in her intimate relationship.
This is how we often expect others to change to make us feel better because we can’t control our own bad emotions.
Why we want to control others
My mother was a controlling person, and I was not a submissive child, so my “teenage rebellion” period seemed much longer than other children. To this day, I still occasionally can’t help but react rebelliously at first, and then realize in the next moment that I’ve just rebelled again.
In fact, 99.9% of the time she genuinely felt that she was doing it for my own good, but she didn’t realize that there was a deeper reason behind this “for my own good” control.
Before our relationship became close, that is, during the period of about 2 years when I gave up my civil engineering major to switch to psychology, we brought out the worst side of each other.
At that time I was guaranteed to graduate school with the second highest grade in civil engineering, and then in my first year of graduate school I ran to my advisor’s office and said I was dropping out and studying psychology. My mother almost went crazy, she didn’t expect that I, who had been following the path she and my father expected, would suddenly take this big turn.
At that time, she often called me and said, “I lost sleep again last night because of you.” Or “I’m sick again because of you.” Or “If you didn’t, I’d feel so much better, I wouldn’t have insomnia or anxiety.”
This is a particularly interesting thing that my mom continues to do: she always wants to change her mood by changing me.
When she felt anxious, it was because “I made her worry so much”; when she felt angry, it was because “I made her angry”; and when she felt depressed, it was because “I let her down “.
Because she couldn’t control these negative emotions, one of her favorite things to do before was to call me and tell me: the only way my mood will get better is if you change.
Of course I always resisted such a statement. Just as my mother told me when I was a child, “I had a dream, but I gave up my dream because I gave birth to you,” she made me responsible for her mood and her life. Then I slowly began to understand that when we want to control others, it is usually because of our own unstable ego and sense of self-worth, and we need the words and actions of others to get affirmation or comfort.
So we want to control others: Since I have such negative emotions because of you, and I am not capable of handling them myself, you have to change so that I can feel better!
I later found that I was actually like this myself. I especially wanted my mother’s affirmation when I was making decisions, and if I didn’t get her affirmation, I would get very frustrated and complain to her that you weren’t giving me confidence.
Later I realized that most of the time I was doubting myself, so when my mother disagreed with my decisions instead of supporting them, I felt that she was not giving me confidence.
If you don’t believe in yourself, then the only way to get borrowed confidence is to force others to give affirmation and then get it.
Do you have a solid, flexible ego?
A very important concept mentioned earlier is the concept of a solid, flexible self. This concept was developed by psychologist David Schnarch.
First, let me explain what solid means. A solid self is a person who has a very stable sense of self-worth and does not change because of denial or questioning from outside.
Take the most obvious example. For example, the loss of a relationship is a very traumatic event for almost everyone, and after being rejected by a partner, our sense of self-worth can plummet for a period of time.
But for people with a stable sense of self-worth, being broken up does not mean that they are “unlovable” or “unworthy of love”, but simply because they are not suitable for each other.
But for people whose sense of self-worth is based more on positive feedback from others, the loss of love is likely to keep their self-esteem at a low point for a long time. They may feel that because they were rejected by the other person, they are not good enough, not cute enough, not good enough or not worthy of the other person.
Another important concept is the flexible self. This may seem contradictory to the above, but in fact they are compatible and indispensable to each other. A flexible self means that your self-concept is not rigid or stagnant.
If your self-concept is “I am an academic person” and you refuse all recreational activities or other activities that help you grow, your ego is very solid. A person with a flexible ego is a person who is willing to explore new possibilities and to grow.
Let’s take another example. Each of us, although we have a gender, is both a man and a woman.
Suppose you are a male, then you refuse to shed tears when you are particularly moved or wipe your partner’s tears with a tissue when she is sad, because you think that is particularly “girly” or “unmanly”; and suppose you are a woman, you are not Willing to stand out in the company to play their leadership, because you are afraid that others say you are “strong” or in the need for you to show strength when you dare not show up, because you are afraid that others say you are “female man”.
These are all signs of a solidified ego. A person with a flexible ego will show the most appropriate side of themselves in the most appropriate situations. Embracing and developing your inner masculine and feminine side is one of the manifestations of flexibility.
So the last one is a strong and flexible ego, which means that we have a stable sense of self-worth that is not influenced by external evaluations, and on the other hand, we do not limit our self-concept, but are flexible enough to express and develop multiple sides of ourselves in different situations.
What is the relationship between a stable and flexible ego and control over others?
Because people who have a solid and flexible ego do not try to control others. This holds true in all interpersonal relationships.
When you find that you don’t need your partner to “spill the beans” to prove that you are a trustworthy person, you won’t feel so hurt if he doesn’t tell you about a traumatic event from his childhood; you won’t feel so angry if others don’t express their appreciation when you don’t need their praise to prove the value of your work; you won’t feel so angry if they don’t express their appreciation. When you don’t need someone’s gratitude to prove the significance of a good deed you have done, the unspoken words of thanks from others won’t make you feel so indignant.
When we have a very stable sense of self-worth, we have the courage not to need to control others. Because we know that our self-worth will not be enhanced by the affirmation, praise, support, praise or comfort of others, we are valuable in our own right and do not need to control the behavior of others to get a borrowed sense of value.
People who can’t control themselves, only to control others
There was a particularly interesting incident last night. I decided to rest quietly at home painting at 8 pm because I was very tired. Then a friend called and said she was near my house at the moment, and she was a little late to come home to borrow me for a night.
If it was the original me, I would have agreed even if I was tired and reluctant. But yesterday I didn’t. I said, “Honey, I’m a little tired tonight, I want to paint alone at home, sorry, you’d better take the subway home. Be safe on the way, and then give a safe report when you get home.” She replied, “I’ll never tell you, you’re too mean.”
She was obviously angry. So I also had a very bad feeling. I asked myself, “Would you want a friend to come to you and talk to you when you are so tired and don’t want to talk?” I knew I was not willing. “Then why do you still feel so uncomfortable?”
Because I needed her to not be mad at me to prove that I was a good person.
So does it make me less of a good person because she’s mad at me for saying no? When I figured out that even if she was mad at me, I wasn’t a good person because she was angry at me, I gave up the urge to control her emotions and keep her from being mad at me.
Instead of telling her, “Come live with me then,” I explained my situation to her and hoped she would understand. Of course, it doesn’t matter if she understands or not, because I know I’m a good person. Because a good person is someone who takes care of his own feelings and loves himself, not someone who sacrifices himself to satisfy others.
When I learn to control myself, I really don’t need to control others.
It’s still a long road, and this sense of stable and flexible self-worth needs to be cultivated.
But I know I’m slowly practicing, and I know that you will walk with me.