Among the many social relationships, parent-child relationship is one of the important ones, and parent-child conflict is an inevitable product of adolescent growth. Experts say that parenting style is closely related to the formation of parent-child conflict, such as the familiar type of tolerance type of discipline, which will easily make children form a self-centered personality, and authoritarian type of discipline will make children easily form a rebellious personality or withdrawal personality, and so on. How to handle different types of parent-child conflicts? What are the best techniques to prevent parent-child conflict from developing into internal conflict?
Parent-child conflicts are often characterized by anxiety, depression, violence, running away from home, sexual disorders, alcohol and drug abuse, and delinquency, and their frequency and intensity develop in an inverted U-shaped curve with age. If parent-child conflicts are not handled properly, they will develop into inner conflicts of children and make children easily form rebellious, withdrawn or contradictory personalities. According to the personality characteristics of children caused by parent-child conflict, there are four main types of personalities: egocentric, rebellious, withdrawn and contradictory.
Self-centered】 Selfish in the eyes of others
Case: 13-year-old Wang’s family has been in a good position since she was a child, and her parents regard her as the apple of their eye. As long as there were conditions, her parents would meet all her requests. After she started junior high school, her parents noticed that she was becoming more and more unreasonable, throwing tantrums when things didn’t go her way, complaining that her parents didn’t meet everything she wanted and cared about her at all times, and never experiencing her parents’ feelings. In the eyes of others, she was a “selfish” person who only asked others to satisfy her. Recently, she ran away from home because her parents restricted her time on the Internet, and she was found by her family and came to receive psychotherapy.
Analysis: Xiao Wang’s parents belonged to a tolerant discipline style: they did not deliberately set norms for Xiao Wang’s behavior, and gave unconditional satisfaction to all of her desires and demands. This kind of discipline is only concerned about the immediate future, but not the future of the child to form a self-centered personality, so that the children do not need to stand in the parents’ point of view is not easy to think about the problem and consider the feelings of parents.
Response: Only children are mostly spoiled by their parents, the child is prone to develop a self-centered personality, because she unconsciously transplants the pattern of getting along with her parents to interact with others, her interpersonal relationships will be very bad. Therefore, parents should set reasonable norms for Xiao Wang, do not meet unreasonable demands, and explain the reasons to her. At the same time, develop the mental ability of delayed gratification and compensation.
Rebellious type] Confrontation with parents
Case: 15-year-old Wu has a military father, and since he was a child, his father “disciplined himself according to the military set”, and he would scold him if he did not obey. Xiao Wu often said to outsiders that his father is a “tyrant”, and everything and his father against, so beaten and scolded become a daily routine, Xiao Wu heart is not convinced but never explained to his father, because “it is useless to say”, rather than stay at school rather than go home. Gradually taller Wu later simply and his father to fight, his mother worried to bring him to see a psychiatrist.
Analysis: Xiao Wu’s parents belong to the authoritarian parenting style: Xiao Wu’s father decides all activities, determines right and wrong, and punishes without having to explain to Xiao Wu, who can only obey him unconditionally. In order to become independent and get rid of this stifling feeling, Xiao Wu uses various means and ways to rebel against his father, in order to escape from his father’s control and distant from him to gain freedom, which is called “rebellious” mentality.
Response: Parents should correctly view the point that disagreement with their own views is necessary for their children to form independence. Differences in parent-child perceptions are mostly due to the fact that both sides stand from different perspectives, and there is no absolute right or wrong. Encourage Xiao Wu and her father to say what they think and feel, without demanding that the other party must accept and change. Therefore, except for a very few important matters, parents should learn to respect their children’s ideas and not be afraid that their children will make mistakes. They should let Xiao Wu learn to be responsible for the consequences of his own behavior and grow through frustration.
On the other hand, children and adolescents gradually want to be free from parental protection and want to do things on their own, but once they encounter difficulties, they want their parents to help them, or they don’t know what to do. Therefore, parents superficially let their children independent and do not interfere too much, but when they find that their children need help, they can reach out in time to give assistance and support.
Retreating type] No assertiveness
Case: The parents have high expectations for 16-year-old Zhang, and pay too much attention to him, and his mother arranges and takes care of everything for him. When Zhang was a child, he had to follow his mother’s instructions on what to wear and what to do with his hair. The first time, Zhang would sometimes object or play a little capricious, the mother will keep nagging, until Zhang “obedient” so far. 12 years old Zhang basically will listen to parents everything, parents are very satisfied, think the child obedient worry. However, when Zhang was older, he always consulted his mother before making decisions on some issues, and rarely had his own thoughts and ideas. He felt that he could not rely on himself to judge or complete a task, and had very low self-esteem, so he came to consult.
Analysis: When parents’ discipline is severe to a certain extent, children feel that they cannot get freedom and space no matter what kind of rebellious behavior they have, they will have a learned helplessness, which is expressed as withdrawal and obedience behavior, this process is called “rebellion – helplessness mode This process is called “rebellion – helplessness pattern”. The rebellious stage mostly shows anxiety, while the helpless stage is mostly depression. Zhang began to oppose and show certain rebellious behaviors. However, the parents were too strong and eventually formed a retreating personality.
Parents’ overly strict discipline style tends to form children’s fear of their parents, and when they grow up this behavior pattern is transplanted to society, forming a strong fear of authority and prone to social fear. Dependency and low self-esteem are also common.
Response: Parents should not treat their children as part of their own bodies, but give them the necessary psychological space, let them learn to make their own choices and decisions about their children, learn to be responsible for themselves, and tolerate their children’s attempts at independence. At the same time, the retreating personality should be encouraged and praised for its self-determined behavior, so that it understands that it will achieve the desired results as long as it goes through certain ways (such as hard work), so that it slowly realizes that its own behavior and results are actually controllable and predictable, then the feeling of helplessness will slowly subside.
Paradoxical] Prone to depression
Case: Xiao Li is 15 years old, his parents divorced when he was 3 years old, he followed his father’s life. After the divorce, his father drank all day and scolded him when he was not satisfied. In addition, his father complained about his ex-wife and ignored Xiao Li’s life and studies. Li grew up hating his parents, but “dared not speak up”. Later, he came to treatment for depression.
Analysis: In the parent-child relationship, rebellion and helplessness are accompanied by hostility towards one’s parents. If the hostility and anger towards parents are not handled properly, the parent-child conflict will develop into an internal conflict of the child, which is manifested as love for the parent’s blood, and at the same time, great dissatisfaction with the parent, forming a contradictory personality. At this time when children go to love their parents, because there is hate and love can not be; when children go to hate their parents, because there is love and guilt, at this time the angry emotions towards their parents can not be vented to the outside (parents), but transferred to the inside, the formation of hostility towards themselves, resulting in depression.
Response: Too much punishment is prone to the formation of love-hate ambivalence towards parents, and the impact of conflicting emotions in childhood is fatal to children. Therefore, the empty chair technique is usually used to deal with and vent anger towards parents, then the last thing left is the love for parents, at which time the hostile parent-child relationship naturally improves, and depressive symptoms disappear with it.
The empty chair technique is a crucial part of dealing with anger. Move an empty chair and put it across from Li, telling him, “When you come home tomorrow and see your father sitting in this chair, do you want to say anything to him?” Encourage Li to express his dissatisfaction and anger with his father. At this point, Li can cathartic, blame, or even abuse the empty chair, so that he can get the inner balance.