Many people do not realize that their own suffering is precisely of their own making. “Because of you, I lost sleep again last night.” Or “I’d feel much better if you didn’t.” Does this sound familiar? Some people always want to change her mood by changing others. For example, when she was getting her PhD, she was very anxious – worried that she wouldn’t make it, worried that her preferred advisor wouldn’t want her. At that time her ex-boyfriend tried to comfort her: “Honey, it’s okay, look, you’re still a master even if you can’t get in, don’t worry.” She felt that her boyfriend was not capable of comforting her in any way because she was still very anxious. Later, this need for her boyfriend to calm her anxiety grew, and his “incompetence” also made her more and more dissatisfied. Finally, she chose to break up with her boyfriend. Interestingly enough, her current husband was strikingly similar to her previous ex-boyfriend, but she didn’t see any problem with it at all. She explained to us that the type of ex-boyfriend was actually perfect for her, except that the reason he couldn’t comfort her at that time was because she didn’t have the ability to calm her anxious emotions herself. When she discovered she had the ability to control her anxiety, the matter stopped being an obstacle in her intimate relationship. This is how we often expect others to change to make us feel better because we can’t control our bad moods. Why we want to control others My mother was a controlling person and I was not a submissive child, so my “teenage rebellion” period seemed much longer than other children. To this day, I still occasionally can’t help but react rebelliously at first, and then realize in the next moment that I’ve just rebelled again. In fact, 99.9% of the time she genuinely feels that she is doing it for my own good, but she doesn’t realize that there is a deeper reason behind this “for my own good” control. The two of us brought out the worst in each other before we became close, which was about 2 years before I dropped my civil engineering major and switched to psychology. At that time I was second in my year in civil engineering and was guaranteed graduate school, and then in my first year I ran to my advisor’s office and said I was dropping out and studying psychology. My mother almost went crazy, she didn’t expect that I, who had been following the life path she and my father expected, would suddenly take this big turn. At that time, she often called me and said, “I lost sleep again last night because of you.” Or “I’m sick again because of you.” Or “If you didn’t, I’d feel so much better, I wouldn’t have insomnia or anxiety.” This is a particularly interesting thing that my mom continues to do: she always wants to change her mood by changing me. When she felt anxious, it was because “I made her worry so much”; when she felt angry, it was because “I made her angry”; and when she felt depressed, it was because “I let her down “. Because she couldn’t control these negative emotions, one of her favorite things to do before was to call me and tell me: only if you change, my mood will get better. Of course I always resisted such a statement. Just like my mom told me when I was a kid, “I used to have dreams too, but I gave up my dreams because I had you.” Just like she made me responsible for her emotions and her life. Then I slowly began to understand that when we want to control others, it is usually because of our own unstable ego and sense of self-worth, and we need the words and actions of others to be affirmed or comforted. So we want to control others: since I have such negative emotions because of you, and I am not capable of handling such emotions myself, so you have to change so that I can feel better! I later found out that I was actually like that myself. I especially wanted my mother’s affirmation when I was making decisions, and if I didn’t get her affirmation, I would get very frustrated and complain to her that you weren’t giving me confidence. Later I found out that in most cases I was doubting myself, so when my mother disagreed with my decisions instead of supporting them, I would feel that she was not giving me confidence. If you don’t believe in yourself, then the only way to get borrowed confidence is to force others to give it. It is very important to have a strong and flexible ego. A solid ego is one that has a very stable sense of self-worth and does not change because of denial or questioning from outside. Take the most obvious example. For example, falling out of love is a very traumatic event for almost everyone, and after being rejected by a partner, our sense of self-worth can plummet for a period of time. But for people with a stable sense of self-worth, being broken up does not mean that they are “unlovable” or “unworthy of love”, but simply because they are not suitable for each other. But for people whose sense of self-worth is based more on positive feedback from others, the loss of love is likely to keep their self-esteem at a low point for a long time. They may feel that because they were rejected by the other person, they are not good enough, not cute enough, not good enough or not worthy of the other person. Another important concept is the flexible self. This may seem contradictory to the above, but in fact they are compatible and indispensable to each other. A flexible self means that your self-concept is not rigid or stagnant. For example, if your self-concept is “I am an academic person” and you reject all recreational activities or other activities that help you grow, your ego is very solid. A person with a flexible ego is a person who is willing to explore new possibilities and to grow. Let’s take another example. Each of us, although we have a gender, is both a man and a woman. Suppose you are a male, and then you refuse to shed tears when you are particularly moved or take a tissue to wipe your partner’s tears when she is sad, because you think that is particularly “girly” or particularly “unmanly”; and then suppose you are a woman, you Do not want to stand out in the company to play their leadership, because you are afraid that others say you are “strong” or in the need for you to show strength when you dare not show up, because you others say you are “female man”. These are the manifestations of a solidified ego. A person who has a flexible ego will show the most appropriate side of himself in the most appropriate situations. Embracing and developing your inner masculine and feminine side is one of the manifestations of flexibility. So the last one is a solid and flexible ego, which means that we have a stable sense of self-worth that is not influenced by external evaluations, and on the other hand, we do not limit our self-concept, but are flexible enough to express and develop multiple sides of ourselves in different situations. What does this stable and flexible ego have to do with controlling others? Because people who have a strong and flexible ego do not control others. This is true in all interpersonal relationships. When you find that you don’t need your partner to “confide” in you to prove that you are a trustworthy person, it won’t hurt you as much if he doesn’t tell you about the traumatic event he had as a child; when you don’t need the praise of others to prove the value of your work, it won’t make you feel so angry if others don’t express their appreciation. When you don’t need someone’s gratitude to prove the significance of a good deed you did, the words of thanks that others didn’t say won’t make you feel indignant. When we have a very stable sense of self-worth, we have the courage not to need to control others. Because we know that our self-worth will not be enhanced by the affirmation, praise, support, praise or comfort of others, we are valuable in our own right and do not need to control the behavior of others to get a borrowed sense of value. It’s only those who can’t control themselves that control others When I learn to control myself, I really don’t need to control others. It’s still a long road, and this stable and flexible sense of self-worth needs to be practiced constantly. But I know that I am slowly practicing, and I know that you will walk with me.