The psychoanalytic school of thought has a very important point of view and attaches great importance to the influence of a person’s childhood experience on his or her life. It is like building a foundation when building a building, the foundation is before the age of 6. In fact, not only the age of 6, there are many other influences, before the age of 6 there are many important psychological experiences of the child left in the subconscious.
”At the age of three you see the young, at the age of seven you see the old”. The experience of some philosophers and prophets in the past is said to be ancient, but it is in line with the psychological meaning. Some international psychologists have studied to the effect of pregnancy on the child, using many scientific methods to explore the psychological changes of the child in the womb. After the birth of the child, immediately to the mother, skin to skin contact, so that the child lying on the mother’s chest, which is a sense of security, after he came out of the birth canal, there is a stimulation with the air, through this stimulation, immediately back to the mother’s arms, in the womb to hear the heartbeat, which is familiar to him in the womb to hear the sound of the heartbeat. This, we are very scientifically predicted. If the child itself is healthy, when you need to use a warmer, then again, but we find this is very important.
There was also an experiment done once where the child needed emotions in particular. For example, after the birth of twins, one of the children had a life-threatening condition, when a nurse put the healthy child in a warming box and let him cuddle with his sister, and the child slowly got better and survived again in good health. This point is also taken very seriously by scientists, indicating that when a child is born, as soon as he is born, he should look for the very familiar feeling he had in the womb and not let the child feel an immediate sense of separation, which is especially in line with the psychoanalytic school of thought.
After the birth, it is very important to have contact with the mother during the month. This is a very important point. Nowadays, people pay a lot of attention to the emotional changes of the mother during pregnancy and in the period after birth, and if the child is born and there is postpartum depression, there is some disconnection between the child and the mother at this time, and it is rejected by the mother. Therefore, we have to treat the mother, cure the mother’s postpartum depression, then accept the child, sometimes there are people who do not care, she feels too tired, bad mood, by the elders or by the sister-in-law take it away, take to another room, this period of separation also has an impact on the child.
All of these emotional attachments, including skin-to-skin contact, are very important. In our treatment, our treatment is a long-term treatment, sometimes counted in years, so that in the long-term psychotherapy, when he retraces his psychological growth, he recalls his childhood, early years, there will be factors that have an impact on his life now. Some people say this is nonsense, not having been a psychologist and visitors will not understand.
When we talk about attachment, we are mainly referring to the age of 1-2 years, when you must be with your child at birth, and don’t have too much separation from your mother at the age of 1-2 years. Some mothers don’t work after the birth of their child, and some abroad until the age of 3. This is very scientific because the child feels very safe. Some friends talked about his 2 or 3 years old, the mother is in the kitchen cooking does not matter, it feels that the mother is there, it will be safe to play, the heart is warm, especially happy, their own play does not matter, this is the power of the psyche. But some children recall that sometimes parents are not at home, put him at home, very, very scary, feeling lonely, feeling that the world does not want me. Adults feel that they will be back in a while, but the child is permanent, and the memories and understandings he builds are his own, and the understanding at that age is “You don’t want me anymore, you abandoned me!” This is the critical period for establishing mother-infant.
This is problematic, and it’s something we’ve discussed with psychologists abroad, Norwegian psychologists who have played a role in changing the children’s hospital system when it comes to hospitalizing children. Because one of the factors that first found some children leaving their mothers when they were hospitalized, we saw a documentary and information that the mother brought the child to the hospital and the mother left, and in the moment of leaving, there was despair, disappointment, fear in the child’s eyes, and the child had to experience pain and also strange nurses and doctors, and he would not thank the doctor like the adults did. The Norwegian psychologist child researcher discovered this and made it mandatory for all children hospitalized to have their mother with them.
At the age of 3 we do not recommend full daycare. There is also the point of sending to the home of grandma and grandparents, which in itself is not good to detach too early. There is also the transfer to kindergarten, where you are the subject and the object is a good stable kindergarten, so separate from your parents, and you slowly get used to the good feeling that you are with everyone. So, I think one thing, you can’t exactly say it’s a problem, there is another good side, but what we are talking about today is to have traumatic try to avoid it, it’s better not to send your child away when he is small. You can go to work, but you have to give the child a sense of stability, so that the child will feel that “mommy will come back”, do not let the child have separation anxiety. If the environment stays the same and then someone else comes in and mom comes back at night, it will be much better for the child and the separation anxiety will be reduced, which is the way we recommend. Trust is built from the age of 1.
What do you mean by building trust? At this time of separation, the child was suddenly sent to the grandfather’s house, after sending, mom and dad are no longer there, gone, in the child 6-7 months when the business trip for half a month, came back to find that the child at that time to form a sense of abandonment, no one wants him, this is the fear of life and death for the child, very scary! He no longer believes that people still love him!
What happens when a child grows up? What will happen when the child grows up? There will be big interpersonal problems, he will not trust others. Of course, if later to make amends, for example, after returning home, the mother or relatives to make amends and re-bridge the relationship, then it is good. Most people do not have problems, 1/3 of people may have psychological disorders, stay with this feeling will affect his interpersonal interactions, including problems in ordinary interpersonal relationships, but also between relatives, he can not trust others, and even can not trust the world, always in a state of doubt, a deep sense of insecurity.
We say that human psychological development consists of several parts, one is the genes, is the characteristics of the nervous system, such as the type of disease; another point is your acquired environment, is what I just said interpersonal relationships. Both of these are very important, so that some people are born with extra-skinfulness, but the scientific assertion that is now formed that this problem is seen in many patients, it is repeated. If there is nothing wrong or normal in your life, then leave it alone, if you do cause problems in some areas, or even affect your life and work in some cases, then this is some of the psychological problems, we can do some treatment, treatment can actually help people to erase the previous shadow.
7 years old to establish a sense of security, in the case of a safe relationship, there are times when you have to pull out, the key is to pull out in a situation where you can not hurt the child. For example, if you send a place, many people because he himself does not know, the mother always think that after sending to kindergarten to run and hide after it will be fine, the child will think “Yo, how she is gone?” You should tell your child in advance, “Mommy will drop you off at kindergarten, and when she will pick you up.” You must tell him that you know that mommy is going to work and will come back after she finishes her shift. He then wants to remember. This process is also a process for children to build a mutual trust, so I don’t think we should completely encourage not spoiling children, but what should be there must be there.
Now the idea is that attachment is something that must be built. Why does the child pester you? You make him feel like you’re leaving as soon as you leave, so he’s always trying to tug at you. Some people say “this person’s dependence is particularly strong because his mother spoiled him”, but one kind of dependence is nurtured, and the other kind is lacking and should be given to him to make up for it. Our parents do not talk to their children, do not say, do not express, is a cause of pain for the child, in fact, we took a great deal of effort to get the child out of the painful experience of the past childhood, only to recall that “in the past, my mother loved me! This time has changed the perspective, we took the plot to deal with, slowly solved the problem, he found his mother’s love, because before he could not find, the mother does not say only do, which also has the benefit of doing itself is also the behavior of the infection, but also do not forget the emotion is going on, how you feel, the child does not know.
Now the problem is not much difference, the pre and mother’s attachment, whether it is a boy, or a girl, is very important. But don’t hide from the father either. When does the father start to appear? Almost around the age of 3, we call the formation of a triangular relationship, in the original mind is the relationship between the mother and the child. The father’s role is particularly important at this time, regardless of whether it is a boy or a girl. 2-4 years old to establish independence, discipline, bowel management, which is very important, this time there is a rule, which is the father’s rule, the father represents the rule side. At this time, the mother’s emotional relationship still exists, the mother is always loving the child unconditionally, the mother does not love you because you are obedient or not, always a loving mother, the mother is loving unconditionally, because of the love of your existence.
Not spoiled love, a healthy one, a stable, healthy, valuable, unconditional love. It is important that if the child feels this, he or she will develop a fundamental confidence in himself or herself. Freud, of our psychoanalytic school, said this when he said, “The love between a mother and her child is one that is confident and successful throughout life, that does not give up the struggle because of setbacks”, that he is born with meaning, whether because he is good looking or ugly, whether he is smart or dumb. But now the love between parents and children is conditional, you study well before I buy you a gift, this is not right, whether he studies well or not, in the New Year should wear new clothes. By doing this, the child will feel that “I am a lovely person” and “I am a person who is accepted by the world and my birth is meaningful. This is an important reason why many people grow up to build confidence and work hard to overcome difficulties.
Use a father figure to set rules. Establish the relationship between the opposite sex parent and his child at the age of 5-7. The most important thing for a girl at this time is to establish a relationship with her father, this is the first opposite sex in her life, she has to establish a stable, intimate and trusting relationship, the father has to love the child, to dote on the child, including the affirmation of value, but also the appreciation of her, the mother has to retreat at this time. No matter, don’t be jealous, it’s normal.
The son has to establish a more stable mother-son relationship with the mother, which is also important, and when he grows up, he will establish a normal relationship with the opposite sex.
We cite a case of alcoholism abroad, the father is an alcoholic alcoholic, home to beat the children, beat the mother, he grew up to see, but especially strange, he still went to an alcoholic boyfriend, why? Later analysis, her subconscious formed such a thing, as if she was born to help men, to lose their own needs to help others, which became a feeling in him, as if they should be so. What about this? This means that your relationship with your parents is particularly important, it is formed in reverse, the more you lose your temper, I’ll find one that doesn’t, because I’m too miserable.
There is no such thing as a perfect parent, no one is good enough for mom and dad, this is what many children can’t understand, there is no way for children to understand, children must seek perfect parents when they are small. When a child is small, the first to have a good father, good mother, children’s thinking is relatively simple, but once there is a beating him, he suddenly shocked, bad mother, bad father! But this child’s mind is normal communication, give him enough to eat is a good mother, did not give enough to eat is bad mother. But this is because his thinking and feeling is not so complete, after a while found that there is bad in the good mother, bad father also has good in his mind integrated, it is integrated into a normal mother and father, they love me! Be sure to give him this, you tell the child, “We love you, but cute kids make mistakes”, he will know, “I am a human being, I am a good kid, but I don’t study well, or I didn’t try too hard this time, I was naughty, this is something I can accept and will correct “, he will not be unconfident.
After slowly growing up, after adolescence, he will find that “my mother is not perfect,” a big blow to me, a two-way blow, after the blow and then in the experience “Oh, so it’s not so bad ah! The tossing back and forth, slowly forming a whole person, “Mom and Dad love me, but they do have mistakes, they have some places I can oppose”, his mother and father admitted their mistakes, he thought “Mom and Dad will also make mistakes, I can also make mistakes”. The person will be healthy, “Mom and Dad are good parents, but they are not perfect, I can also be imperfect”. But the key is in which stage of the process, the child is formed? A good mother is a good mother, a bad mother is a bad mother.
Then he is angry, and extreme anger or extreme depression, not the kind of mental illness, or in the normal range, there are such people in literature, such people are very attractive. He is such a feeling, emotionally angry up a special anger, which is related to his childhood, because his parents may be in a relationship with him caused his road, or his emotional reaction is particularly large when no one to help him, immersed for too long.
This is to say, parents should pay attention to the child can be angry, but after the anger is over, to help him back to reality, soothing back. We parents always think that it is important to feed, clothe, and educate our children, but it is also part of the job of parents to build up their emotions.
From this point of view, it is the emotional richness of emotions. Just now the child cries with aggression, and the mother leaves it at the door, and when you don’t cry anymore I will take care of you. But what happens when you cry and don’t cry? The parents don’t care. Some children tell me that at that time, everything does not want me, feel the body like a stone frozen in that way, as dead, this treatment takes a long time to treat, but that feeling often occurs in life.
There is also despair, feeling especially small, the child at this time can not be divided emotionally, feel that they made a mistake, they are a bad person, they are small, very powerless feeling, he is completely weak like a puddle of mud, this is extremely low self-esteem.
If we rewrite the script, when he cries, the mother comes over and lets the child tell you how he feels, and the mother says, “Okay, mommy tells you that you made a mistake, but you can change it, and you’re still a good boy! Mommy still loves you, but let’s fix the mistakes.” In this way the child’s psychological intelligence is divided “how can good become bad”, the mother then told him, “you are a good boy, but a little bad, take an apple analogy, the apple is a little bad, but take the bad off, you can eat! ” This is a metaphor, so a little can make him feel “my mood is very rich, my own feelings can also be rich. Of course, this is not formed in a day or two, parents have to communicate with him emotions, to feel, to experience, and even parents have to tell their children how their parents feel. For example, when parents are angry, parents do not spare the child, ignore the child, in fact, you should tell the child what you are feeling, “in fact, mommy is very tired, mommy tired may not be able to take care of you, can not buy you what you want, “I’m sorry, but mommy is really tired, can you appreciate? ” , let him not feel. Many of us can’t feel what others feel. What to do? When you get older, it is especially troublesome to do psychology has very difficult homework, some people can not overcome the difficulties to go to psychotherapy to form such a character, but this affects his interaction with others.
Some people say to me, “I really don’t understand other people’s feelings”. Other people’s feelings are dependent on him listening to others in order to feel, but they are wrong. You see, your mother cried, she cried will hit the child, this embarrassment, will admit fault, after going to wipe your tears, you accept to wipe tears, this is the result of the two of you communication.
I have a friend here asked: more than 3 years old child is very naughty, and sometimes very stubborn, do not want to do something, or you stop him from doing something, he will be dancing hands. Many parents will ask, this time to control it, afraid to bind his personality, indulge him is not a let him thrive? This dilemma in the choice, how to do?
Spilling and rolling is a way to establish action, and if your child succeeds, he is trying to get your attention, which is the way to go when you are not paying attention to him. But we think this method as well as not, I have seen a person said that his mother-in-law, so old, his mother-in-law suddenly upset in his home, is spilling and rolling, he was dumb, do not know how to treat, such behavior is not too much? How do we do it? If you have no way, you can take the attitude of ignoring.
Fight a long time on the fight, the key is that he has fought before regardless of the use. Behavior can be reduced, but how? This thing can not be finished, finished parents forget, it is called neglect. When he calmed down, you then ask him how, little by little with him, gradually let the child understand.
Parents have another point to note that it is not that you think he should not do, for example, to the point of dinner, he played a particularly happy, “it’s time to eat, must put down!” Doing so parents have a problem, you did not pay attention to him in the process of playing, his little brain intelligence what feelings, this time you should not discuss with the child, remind, “play when we can end ah?” It’s important to have a width and a space so that you can negotiate, and the method you use can’t be simple and rough. I think children like this, at the age of 3, have the ability to speak, you can communicate with him and talk sense. When reasoning with him, you have to communicate with him, not “You have to do this!” You should say, “What’s wrong? What do you mean?”
Another thing is that you have to respect him, as an adult, you have to respect a life. I found a poem, an example from an American psychologist, and I’ll read it, a man said to him, talk about children, and he said, “Your children are not your children, they are just beings who desire themselves, they come through you, not from you. comes into the world. “They are with you”, we parents are rarely with our children.
”You can only give them your love, but not your mind”, which I think will gradually dawn on many parents as adults. “Because they have a mind of their own, you can only captivate their bodies, not their souls, which leap into tomorrow’s dwelling place. This is how the book of the American psychological teachers translates it, “their souls stay in the courtyard of tomorrow”, not given by you, “and that is not a place you can observe, not even in my dreams”, and you cannot dream of him. “You can try your best to imitate him, but you cannot expect them to resemble you”, the resemblance of form or temperament, the soul and mind must resemble, “since life does not turn back nor linger in yesterday, you are the bow, and our children are the arrows shot from above, the archer is the one who sees the endless The road is marked by the handle, and it is the divine power that draws it full and makes the arrow gallop far. This one also struck me, you are a bow, or an arrow, and the archer is a divine power, “You should feel joy in the palm of the archer, for he loves the arrow that flies away, and the cheer of the bow in his palm”, the power of nature loves both the arrow and the bow, so “the bow Therefore, the relationship between “bow” and “arrow” is the relationship between parents and children. This poem is for parents and friends, so that you can take your time to experience it.
I think there is still, before the age of 6, the child is healthy after the attachment relationship is well formed. For example, before the age of 2 there is not so much damage, there is no separation anxiety, the child does not suffer, at this time he has a certain degree of independence, this time you then separated. The child sees you go, he already believes that you love him, this love in the child’s mind, no matter how far you go, he also believes that you love him.
He said he was in China and his wife was in Canada with the children. When he left, he recorded his storytelling and sent it to his mother in Beijing. We have many parents who use their brains. One person told me that my mother was a social worker and she taught us from a young age to listen to others. This time, he paid special attention to the child’s psychological feelings, and once also told a story, he would make bread, every time the plane flew home just in the middle of the night, I went back, the middle of the night to the home at two or three o’clock on the flour, wait until seven o’clock, the bread can be made, the morning up the child to get up, the child as soon as the bed smells the bread smell will know that Dad is back. I asked him, when the child came out from downstairs, how did you feel? He said, “When I saw the child, tears flowed down my face, the emotion I felt with my child was that kind of love! I was also thinking that my son adores his father and sees him as the perfect process, and he will see me as a perfect father when he grows up, and now this wonderful feeling, I especially cherish. I think the feeling that he can experience the exchange of feelings with his children, think about the eyes, must be able to stay, the child ran downstairs, shouting “Dad”, jumped into his arms, that moment of good feeling can also be glued to their separation of the feeling of distance.
So, sometimes some people tell me, “I want to go abroad, what should I do?” I advised him not to go abroad until his child was 6. He listened to me, and I said it’s not my advice, it’s the advice of psychological theory. Another, if even if you go out, now information exchange is very convenient, you can often communicate, call, the child’s grandmother is particularly good, holding a picture of his mother for the child to look at, “This is the mother talking to you”, the child little by little will become what? The child will climb to the bookshelf by himself to get the photo, “This is mommy!” This is called the transitional object, the object of the mother left, but that transitional subject exists and glues them together, which can also reduce the anxiety and pain caused by the separation to the child.
Because the child can talk. We found out why there are many people who have difficulty expressing their language, are very winded, or have very tangled, because his emotions cannot be expressed clearly, and no one has heard him express them, because expression comes out by communication. For example, what does this tear represent? After you ask, he will go to find, may be anger, then anger what? Someone must help him find the source of anger. And when he was young, no one helped him find the source of this, his aggression, anger, pain, all kinds of pain together, it is entangled, this entanglement makes people particularly difficult, conflict is difficult! If he can distinguish clearly, but will feel better. The mental cells inside the cerebral cortex are not so disturbed, and all emotional and psychological changes have a psychological basis, and Chinese medicine talks about the unity of mind and body.
Therefore, when one is in a good mood, one is light and chipper; when one is in a bad mood, the whole body is tense, the whole body is condensed together, there is a feeling of heaviness and the mind is swollen. And when one is in a good mood, one’s eyes immediately light up and one’s whole body is very relaxed.
A girl came to the interview and said that her husband was working outside and she called him every night, but one night when he didn’t receive the call, she became especially anxious and upset. She knew that this state of mind was pathological. Later I asked her about her childhood, and she said that when she was seven or eight years old, her mother went out of town to be hospitalized, and her child was sent to someone else’s house, and this process was a trauma, and her mother left all of a sudden, and the child could not find her mother. Later I gave her an analysis, what is it like when you call your husband and he can’t pick up? She was very smart and knew right away that this is what it was like to be a child. When he was little, his mother left and he thought she was gone, but then she came back. But the most painful thing he can do is not mommy back can make up for it, leaving mommy for a moment there is no mommy feeling.
Her understanding of this. Her treatment, her comprehension is also particularly strong, the day the phone call again, the man also did not receive the call, she immediately said “now not nervous”, I asked her what she felt? She said it was probably because she was busy at work or there was no signal in the elevator. The original she will not think like this, such experience is and the reality of a specific and she has a relationship with a state, the re-enactment of feelings are hooked up, many people hooked up to the painful state of the past, rather than the fact that the present.
This feeling is something you can’t control, such as anxiety, chills, or even a feeling of despair that you won’t survive. This feeling is actually a reflection of a memory you had in your body, or a memory you had especially as a child. Our brain has memories, and our body has memories as well. When you are in a painful feeling, very young all in the memory. When something happens in reality, a similar scenario happens and your reflection comes out. This is what we psychologists have found sometimes.
I can’t say that it can be changed all at once, it’s a problem of psychology, it takes a long time, it’s a scientific thing, doing therapy is as guilty as being in the operating room, in fact, psychology, like the somatic, many things need to be in the process of specialized therapeutic tools to work.