Between two people, there are similarities and differences.
In interpersonal communication, there are two directions of “seeking commonality” and “seeking differences”.
I. Seeking commonality
Things gather in groups, people are divided into groups; fish looking for fish, shrimp looking for shrimp, …… near the vermilion is red, near the ink is black.
All these phenomena, in fact, means that people are seeking similarity and consistency between each other, which is called “seeking commonality”, or “identity”.
The similarity between people, mutual recognition, can give people a sense of security, a sense of belonging.
Belonging is to feel that you belong to a person or an organization. At this point, the individual has identified with the group, including, consciously following group rules, imitating group behavior, and making himself or herself a member of the group. For example, members of a group wear uniform uniforms, school uniforms, school badges, etc., and call each other “colleagues”, “comrades” and “classmates”.
Seeking common ground can improve a person’s self-esteem. For example, new college students prefer to wear the school badge to improve their sense of value; senior students, not so much like to wear the school badge. When they go out of the university campus, when they go shopping or walking on the road, the person who likes to wear the university badge most is not the university professor, but the stir-fry chef in the student cafeteria.
Advantages of seeking commonality: Generally speaking, people with low status tend to identify or seek commonality with people with high status in order to gain a sense of security, belonging, affectionate attachment and improve self-esteem.
Disadvantages of seeking the same: Seeking the same belongs to the external value orientation, individuals will cut their feet to fit the shoes, eliminate their own unique personality characteristics, neat and tidy, so that they become others, losing the space for independent innovation and internal enthusiasm.
Second, seeking differences
New, different, unique, outstanding …… these are “seeking differences”.
Seeking differences, is in interpersonal communication, showing their uniqueness from others.
Generally speaking, in groups, people who have achieved a sense of security and belonging, people in a higher position, often prefer to show their individuality, the development of different personal characteristics and advantages, the formation of interpersonal differences.
Advantages of seeking differences: Seeking differences belongs to the inner value orientation, doing what you like to do, opening up unlimited space for self-development, renewing enthusiasm for life, creating life value and striving for self-actualization.
Disadvantages of seeking differences: the wind will destroy the wood in the forest; people are afraid of being famous, and pigs are afraid of being strong. When a person becomes more and more prominent and superior to other members of the group, he will lose the acceptance and recognition of the group members, lose the sense of belonging and security, lose affectionate attachment, and even be jealous of the group members, rejection. Therefore, only those who have a strong sense of inner security will have the courage to show their individuality, be different and be different.
Third, the psychological development process of seeking the same and seeking different
From birth to six months, infants first internalize the expressions and eyes of their adopters, which is called “inward projection” or “introjection”.
After six months, when the infant can gradually distinguish the mother as another person, and when the infant gradually realizes that it is difficult for him/her to survive without the mother, the infant will have affectionate attachment to the mother and identify with her, making his/her expressions, actions, and behavior more and more like her. This is called the “identification” stage, i.e., “seeking the same” from the mother.
When the child is about five years old, especially in adolescence, he or she is more willing to show individuality and behave differently. This is called “self-identity”, i.e., the formation of a whole, stable, unique self; or “seeking differences”.
Thus, human psychological functions are formed in interpersonal interactions, and individuals internalize interpersonal interactions. In this interaction, the infant first identifies with the mother (sameness seeking) and gains a sense of attachment security and belonging; only later does the infant develop self-identity (dissimilarity seeking). In this process, seeking identity is a relatively basic and early stage of psychological development; seeking difference is a more advanced and later stage of psychological development.
The influence of Chinese culture on seeking commonality and seeking differences
Chinese culture has the important characteristic of “collectivism”.
The Chinese culture of collectivism has nurtured the national personality of Chinese people.
Chinese people are most fond of “seeking common ground”. The psychological development of Chinese people is currently at the early identification stage, which is equivalent to the psychological development of children.
In terms of behavior, if a person can “follow the customs” and “sing the song of the mountain when he goes to that mountain”, he will be more popular and will be accepted by the local people, gaining a sense of belonging and security.
”Hello, I’m good, everyone is good.” The idea of big pot rice and egalitarianism is still deeply present in the subconscious of every Chinese person.
For seeking differences, showing individuality, being unique, Chinese people have a sense of fear from their bones. If you wear clothes different from the masses, you will be called “strange clothes” and will be rejected by the mainstream, and will be looked at and mocked by passers-by.
During adolescence, students wore a uniform on campus, the same color and style for both boys and girls. Girls are not allowed to have long hair. Therefore, from the clothing and hairstyles, it is impossible to tell which one is a boy and which one is a girl, and it is even more difficult to distinguish who is who.
Such uniform management and uniform production of school uniforms simply obliterates humanity and individuality!
Chinese people who grow up in such a culture, especially young people, have their spiritual development so suppressed that all they really have to do is to try to be the same, to become like everyone else. The long-term consequence of this educational model is that individuality is extinguished, creativity is stifled, the intrinsic value of life is not self-fulfilled, and, ultimately, people lose their basis for living and their passion for life.
IV. Respect for Differences, Respect for Each Person
How can China rise? How can Chinese people be psychologically healthy and strong inside?
Psychological health depends on the health of the humanistic environment.
This requires improving our Chinese culture and humanistic environment.
For example, for many years, every student has had to pass the “college entrance exam”.
The whole country or the province uses uniform teaching materials and uniform questions for the college entrance exams.
Students have to passively follow a uniform teaching plan, so there is no “student-centered, teaching according to the needs of the students”.
The “only correct answer” to exam questions is in the hands of teachers, leaving no room for students’ personal play and creativity, so how can students dare to search for the truth?
Such education only allows students to develop a “sameness” mentality and suppresses the advanced psychological development of “difference” and self-identity.
One principal said, “One more ruler to measure the students, one more group of excellent students.”
In the future, when will the “school uniform” be abolished on Chinese campuses, so that students can freely and independently choose to wear what they like to school?
Everyone is equal before the law.
All people are equal before the law. All people are equal before human nature.
Equality and respect! This is the greatest achievement achieved by the development of human civilization!
Respect for people by respecting everyone, not by the majority excluding or even denying the minority.
Respect for people, to the greatest extent possible, is reflected in: respect for the differences between individuals.
The so-called “seeking common ground while preserving differences” and “world commonwealth” are not the highest level of human civilization.
What is the highest level of human civilization? It is “seeking differences”, which is to promote the maximum self-realization of each person.
Confucius said: Gentleman and different!