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”Born but not raised” makes the child have a heart disease
In the cold winter of 1995, a baby girl weighing only four pounds was born in a poor rural family in Hunan. The parents were extraordinarily worried about what they could do to feed their newborn child, which became their current problem. So a year later, the parents tearfully reported their daughter to a cousin’s family in a neighboring village, telling them that they must raise the child and that they would send monthly living expenses to the child as an allowance. The cousin promised to treat Lulu as if she were his own daughter and did not want any financial reward. Soon after, Lulu’s parents set out on a wandering journey south to Guangzhou to make a living.
Ten years passed, and Lulu’s sister and brother were born one after another, but in order to make better money for their children, they were fostered in their grandparents’ home. Every Spring Festival, the couple would buy a lot of clothes and snacks to visit their parents and cousin one after another to see their three children. Every time they went to their parents’ place, the second daughter and the youngest son would always lean on their side, and their concerned greetings and sweet smiles made their parents very happy. But every time the parents saw Lulu, they were confronted by the child’s silence and avoidance. This made the couple disappointed and sentimental, and a trace of sorrow came to their hearts.
In the spring of 2008, the couple started a small-scale factory of their own in Guangdong, and the economic benefits climbed higher every year. With an annual income of more than 100,000 yuan, Lulu’s family became financially well off, so her parents considered bringing the children back to them. In the same year, her cousin, who had promised not to charge any fees, asked Lulu’s father for a million dollars in alimony, otherwise he would not let Lulu go home, and often bad-mouthed her biological parents in front of Lulu, intensifying the conflict between the two families.
In 2010, Lulu and her younger siblings finally returned to their parents. They wanted to do everything they could to make up for their failure to fulfill their parenting responsibilities, and especially loved LuLu more, trying to meet their demands for whatever they wanted. They hope to be a good father and mother to their children. The second daughter, the youngest son, and their parents all got along very well. But Lulu and her parents gradually came into conflict. Once her mother asked Lulu to wash the clothes she had thrown away, accused her of not developing good behavior, and criticized her for not having a good upbringing. After hearing this, the mother reprimanded: “If your previous home is good then go back, this home does not want you, I will pretend not to have you as a daughter!” After that, Lulu bawled and ran out of the house holding her previous clothes, and her mother sat down on the floor with tears streaming down her face. …… In the following days, the parents found that their conflict with Lulu was getting worse and worse, and the child became reluctant to stay at home, while their daughter’s escape made the parents become more frightened and guilty. Maybe without those 14 years of foster care, none of this would have happened. Is this God’s retribution? They had trouble sleeping through the night ……
Treatment Techniques
The “Systematic Alignment Method” helps them to show their “knots”
I received the three of them in the counseling room of Baiyun Psychological Hospital for Adolescents. During the initial interview, they all talked about their counseling goal of wanting the family to get along. With the common goal in mind, I started psychotherapy with them. In view of the special characteristics of this family, I chose the technique of Hennig’s Family Systems Alignment, which uses small objects to present the problems in the family, as detailed below.
Figure 1: Lulu’s first placement of small objects (her own current family)
In (Figure 1), we see the second daughter, father, mother, and brother standing together, with the father standing with the second daughter and the mother standing with the youngest son. Lulu is standing on the edge, far from her father and mother. Lulu chooses a larger object to represent her father, which shows the important position of her father in Lulu. Therefore, in the family Lulu feels that her parents are paying more attention to her brother and sister, while she is ignored. The parents’ perception of Lulu standing next to them is that Lulu still wants to go back to her old family and does not accept her current family, so they feel sad.
Figure 2: Lulu’s small object after moving on the basis of Figure 1 (trying to find her own place)
In (Figure 2), Lulu thinks her position in Figure 1 is uncomfortable, so she moves herself and wants to be closer to her parents, but she can’t find the right position. Very confused. Standing in a place facing her parents. Now Lulu feels somewhat antagonistic to her family. She wants to stand next to her parents, but she feels that she cannot find the right place for herself.
Figure 3: Small objects placed by her mother (her mother’s ideal family)
The mother chose an object larger than her younger siblings to represent Lulu, and placed it between her second daughter and younger son. The mother felt safe and wanted her three children to get along well. In the consultation, the mother confessed that she was afraid that her children would go back to their previous family and that she would be sad. The mother’s pose is completely inconsistent with Figure 1, which shows that the parents’ care is not received by Lulu, and therefore there is a discrepancy between the parents and the child in terms of understanding the current state of the family.
(Figure 4: Small objects placed by Lulu (Lulu’s picture after moving on the basis of Figure 3)
The result of Lulu’s thinking and moving after looking at the graphic placed by her mother, she placed herself in front of her second sister, hoping that all three would be equally loved by their parents together. She did not want to stand in the middle, which would be stressful.
Psychological analysis
After several psychological interviews and the use of the Family Systems Alignment Therapy with small objects, I made the following analysis of the problems Lulu and her family had.
Lack of Secure Attachment
With 14 years of foster care history, Lulu did not establish a close attachment with her biological parents in her early life, and the shadow of abandonment in her early life was always in her mind, so Lulu was very insecure in her life, and it was difficult to establish a secure attachment with her biological parents quickly. The behavior behind being in foster care makes the child feel unimportant, and most of these children have a severe inferiority complex.
Competition for parental resources by younger siblings
Compared to her younger sister and brother, Lulu was placed in foster care with distant relatives and had been in foster care the longest, thus having the most profound impact on her. In this family, her sister and brother are more well-behaved and obedient, and are very understanding, behaviors that are very comforting to their parents. And this behavior pattern behind will take more love and attention from the parents. In everyday life, the parents invariably compare Lulu with her younger siblings, and this lack of equal acceptance can lead to the child receiving the message that she is not as important as her younger siblings. As a result, she cannot find a proper place in the family.
Parental overcompensation and wants
Years of foster care can make parents feel that they owe too much to Lulu, so they try to compensate for the loss of the child’s father’s and mother’s love by meeting all the child’s material needs, without lacking a kind of ingratiation, of course. And in terms of behavior discipline is strict, hoping that through efforts thus correcting her bad behavior. But the parents ignore the fact that the child’s behavior has been set for many years, and too strong to reverse the bad behavior will make the child feel the pressure. In a family, parents love their children gratuitously; love must be given naturally by parents without asking for it. When the dynamics of love become paid, the dynamics of the family change. In this case, Lulu’s parents wanted her to be well-behaved and obedient, and wanted their child’s approval for their hard work, but asking too much of the child changed the dynamics of love in the family. In this case, we see a child-like parent asking her daughter for approval. This invisible dynamic can make the child feel uncomfortable and want to run away to gain freedom.
Biological parents’ disapproval of adoptive parents
In reality, the adoptive parents and the child have built a strong attachment, and it is natural that the biological parents’ disapproval of the adoptive parents will be difficult for Lulu to accept. In Family Systems Alignment, we need to give the adoptive parents a place and respect their values, in which the strong connection with the adoptive parents is not completely cut off by the presence of the biological parents. What the biological parents have to do is to give the adoptive parents a place to affirm their parental efforts and values. And when the biological parents deny or even hate the adoptive parents because of the reality of financial problems, that is when the child returns to direct their anger at them because of their loyalty and directly affects their ability to build a close relationship with their daughter.
After several sessions of systematic psychotherapy, the parents gained a deep understanding of the current situation of the presented family. Lulu is now able to communicate with her parents basically about her thoughts, and the parents have started to respect the child’s opinions and suggestions. The family can live together harmoniously, and I see long-lost smiles on the faces of the parents and the child.
P.S. The significance of the Systemic Alignment of small objects in family therapy
Systemic Alignment makes it possible for people to experience coherence and harmony within a system. It clearly and understandably demonstrates the dynamics and situations that are active within the system. Systemic dynamics can be likened to the laws of nature that we need to follow. Each of us as an individual belongs to a myriad of systems, all of which have both potential and constraints.
The use of systematically arranged small objects (puppets) can expel a picture of the person’s inner being, with all the important facts and backgrounds, and all the elements are externalized so that one can clearly see a new perspective. By connecting with other people or elements in this picture, a lot of useful information comes up and the subconscious mind becomes the explicit mind.