It is certainly filial for parents to bring them to Shenzhen when they are old, but many people do not realize that it is a big psychological challenge for them (especially men) to leave their familiar hometown and adapt to a completely different and unfamiliar city life, and some psychological feelings will be more prominent in them than in the general elderly. For elderly people who move to a new home, the most common psychological problems they face when readjusting are barriers to adaptation, feelings of uselessness and loneliness. To adapt well, it is not only a matter for the elderly themselves, but also for their children to provide the necessary help from the side.
1.Separation anxiety exacerbates the adaptation barrier
Case: Wen old man and his partner moved to Shenzhen, always can not play the spirit. Shenzhen people come from all over the world, Mandarin has become the common language of the city, and his Mandarin southern accent is very heavy, see others do not understand, and slowly he stopped speaking. In addition, he loves to play mahjong, but after coming to Shenzhen has not been able to find a suitable “tile partner”, for his partner’s enthusiasm for the elderly dance and he has little interest, so I think that although the environment in Shenzhen is good, but not in the home life is comfortable. However, because of the intention to spend their twilight years in Shenzhen, it will not be able to visit relatives like the previous one or two months to go back, so he was a little worried.
Analysis: “separation” and “change” is painful
When the elderly people move to the new environment where their children are, they will encounter various differences with the local social groups in terms of traditional lifestyle, food habits, language, concepts, beliefs and customs. At this point, they first face a “sudden disconnection” from their familiar environment, memories, emotions, people, habits and ways of coping, which in itself is a sense of “loss” and can lead to separation anxiety, because People tend to feel most comfortable in their familiar surroundings.
But the challenges don’t stop there. Facing separation anxiety and having to integrate and adapt to a new environment means they have to face “change,” and change can be painful. On the one hand, they have to break their old ways of adapting; on the other hand, they have to form new ways of coping and habits, which undoubtedly takes a long time and is not an easy task for an elderly person (especially a male). As a result, adaptation disorders arise, such as anxiety, depression, sleep disturbances, and other psychological reactions. Individuals may also resort to inappropriate coping methods such as alcohol abuse and avoidance.
Advice: Start with the easy things
One’s ability to adapt to a new environment is related to one’s personality (whether one is flexible, social, self-confident, etc.), the new environment (whether outsiders are welcome, whether there is discrimination, whether there is too much difference from the old environment), and life experience. It is best for the elderly to learn the local language (Mandarin in Shenzhen) first to increase the chances of contact with outsiders; at the same time, the support of the next person (especially the encouragement and support of family and friends) will help the elderly to get rid of the feeling of helplessness and integrate into the new environment as soon as possible.
During the adaptation process, it is important to prevent “learned helplessness”. For example, dialect speakers may think, “I’ve tried to learn Mandarin, but I’m still unsuccessful, people still don’t understand me, I can’t fit in, I can’t adapt no matter how hard I try, so I should give up. As a result, they adopt an avoidant attitude and stay at home and don’t go out anymore.
The smoother the interaction with the outside world, the more initiative you will have to adapt. Family members can create the environment and conditions for the elderly to approach the simple and easy ones first. For example, interacting with people in the community, or people close to their hometown, and then slowly expanding the scope. If the initial contact is very different from the original customs and habits, it will greatly increase the difficulty of adaptation, and the elderly will not go out easily.
Encouragement is also important. When parents are in a bad mood due to adaptation problems, children should spend more time with them, which is not only spiritual comfort, but also equivalent to an alternative to the outside world, after getting used to it, the elderly will transition to interacting with the outside world.
Interest is also a direction of adaptation. Some people like to dance, join in and gradually develop interpersonal relationships with people who dance. And activities such as playing cards and fishing can help some men expand their range of interactions and enhance their adaptability.
2, the new environment “expanded” the sense of uselessness
Case: Li old man and his partner to Shenzhen, feel more frustrated, because Li old man felt unable to “home” for the children, they are no longer as before is the “head of the family”, to “look at the children’s faces “, when encountering different opinions, can only simply say a few words, but can not say a painful. The old partner’s sense of uselessness is deeper than his, because the children feel that she is helping to bring up the children “not well”.
Analysis: “Dependence” and “dependence” make people lose
Dependence or independence, from childhood to old age, life comes out of an interesting cycle of trajectory: as a child, dependence on parents; rebellion in adolescence, fight for independence, reduce dependence; when old age comes, the balance between independence and dependence changes, health degradation, aging, memory strain, retirement or no work, the elderly need to rely on adult children to provide financial, physical, emotional and other aspects of help and care. This phenomenon of the elderly becoming children again is called “child-like dependence”, which makes the elderly feel threatened by their autonomy, self-reliance and self-esteem, and makes them feel depressed and lost.
The feeling of uselessness is stronger among elderly people who have moved than the average elderly person. This is because previously in their hometowns will be respected by friends and relatives, neighbors, after coming to Shenzhen, no one except their children, the previous self-esteem and self-confidence feeling is gone, and if the children feel that they are not doing well enough, more inferior to the elderly. In addition, some elderly people will feel that to come to Shenzhen is to “rely on” their children, they are no longer the head of the family, this very subtle feeling will make the elderly double the sense of uselessness, especially men. At this time, they will be very sensitive, even the same words, will bring different psychological feelings. Some elderly people cope by withdrawing, but become more inferior and feel rejected.
Suggestion: Respect comes first to boost confidence
The most important thing is to create an environment that respects the elderly. In the home to make them feel that it is still your call, they will feel that the child is still my child, or respect me.
Secondly, you can do something to increase their self-confidence, such as trying to participate in some social work. Their profession, accumulated years of experience, and wide range of experience may also be applicable in new places.
Third, even if the elderly are not good enough to do something, children should still try to let them do it, because the elderly will slowly change in the process of doing it, and mastering new methods will add to their self-confidence.
Fourth, older people have more advantages in certain areas than when they were younger, such as having better logical thinking and understanding, and they may have more interests in areas such as philosophy or history. Develop such interests, promote their own thinking, in the continuous pursuit of “better themselves” process to overcome low self-esteem.
3. “Bowl of soup” distance reduces loneliness
As individuals age, the frequency of interaction with friends decreases and interaction with family members increases, which is a natural trend in life. However, at this stage, adult children are usually reluctant or do not have much time to communicate with the elderly.
Suggestion: “A bowl of soup” distance is most appropriate
Children’s affection is the most important sense of intimacy, therefore, the children of the elderly who have moved should usually be more concerned about the spiritual needs of the elderly. If the economic conditions allow, children and the elderly is best to live separately, residential best in the same district. “Advocate the so-called ‘one bowl of soup’ distance, that is, children and the elderly living distance from each other not too far, to send over a bowl of soup and will not be cold as the standard.” In this way, not only retain the original family structure, but also take care of the elderly, and each other have a certain space, but can reduce conflict, increase affection, and the elderly live relaxed, comfortable, useless feeling will disappear.
The elderly should also get out of their homes, so that they can have regular contact and interaction with each other, and develop a wide range of hobbies, such as playing the piano, chess, calligraphy and painting, raising flowers and planting plants, writing books, etc., to fully experience the beauty of the twilight sunset.