When children are young, even if they are rebellious, parents seem to have a way to “get rid of” them. Whether the approach was soft or hard, the children would always calm down easily – whether they would soon repeat it or not was another matter. However, as children approach the threshold of adolescence, everything seems to be different. The average girl enters puberty around age 10 and the average boy around age 12. This is the time when parent-child relationships tend to enter a new phase. Parents who know how to let go and keep themselves growing will be more likely to hit it off with their adolescent children, while those who are controlling and stay where they are are are more likely to have serious conflicts with their children. A large number of tragic incidents of children running away from home and committing suicide happen around this age. Therefore, before your child grows up, it is necessary for all parents to know what kind of child you will face in the near future and how to deal with it. Have a problem with your child playing with peers? Maybe you just can’t accept the signs that your child is growing up A mother asks: My daughter is 9 years old and in the fourth grade. She’s always been a good kid. But recently, she’s been on summer vacation and has been playing a little too much. All day long, she wants to go to her best friend’s house, and she can stay away from home all day without calling her back. The summer homework is thrown aside and not moved. I didn’t say anything to her, but her father has criticized her for this several times. It’s good for children to have friends, but we’re worried that this will have some bad effects on them. Usually, children have their own friends when they are children. However, in adolescence, the child’s “friends” seem to become more and more important. During this period, children will be more interested in integrating with their peers, and more afraid of being rejected by their peers. At this point, parents who are used to their children being submissive will feel the “competition” from their children’s peers, which presents itself as parents worrying more about their children making bad friends and being led astray by their peers, and are more likely to “intervene” too much with their children on the issue of friendships. “. In fact, parents’ nervousness is often out of proportion. The reason why parents are nervous is not because their children have done how out of line behavior, but can not accept the signal that their children will soon be away from them. A child with a sound home education has his or her own good judgment to sift through the good and bad of friends. And, for children entering adolescence, parents and peers mean something completely different to them. They are more likely to talk to their parents about school and academic performance, and more likely to talk to their peers about dating and sex-related topics. Rough parental interference in a child’s peer interactions only reinforces parent-child hostility and suppresses normal developmental avenues for the child. Parents’ attempts to give their children effective advice and guidance are also more likely to fizzle out. If one day your child begins to care more about his peers, it is a sign that parents need to start preparing for the fact that children need a bigger world to grow up in, and that all we have to do is let go and act as an old friend, giving the necessary reminders and guardianship. Think your child is always disobeying and annoying you? Maybe you need to deal with your own “menopause” first. The late marriage and late childbirth policy has been implemented by many parents, and with the economic affluence and rich social life, children’s adolescence and mothers’ menopause have been advanced, so that the possibility of adolescence bumping into menopause is greatly increased. When children reach “puberty”, mothers are mostly middle-aged women around 45 years old and start to enter “menopause” in the medical sense. The conflict between “menopause” and “adolescence” is very common. On Douban, there is a group called “Parents are a curse”. In it are many young men and women who have various complaints and grievances against their menopausal parents. Behind the strong smell of gunpowder, we see more of the two generations caught in their own struggles, but rarely do we really see the “other side”. In the end, adolescence and menopause are both issues of identity. During these two special periods, people undergo huge physiological changes. To enter puberty is to go through a physiological peak, while to enter menopause is to go into a period of decline. Therefore, when two people with important issues to deal with, each in the midst of their own anxiety, come together, they are naturally more likely to clash violently. In this process, the parents’ own growth is crucial. After all, children entering adolescence may seem to be demanding independence in every way, but they are not yet mentally mature. They still need the affirmation and acceptance of their parents. Therefore, the initiative to mitigate parent-child conflict is still in the hands of parents. Parents who are becoming middle-aged must be braver, even though it is difficult. In fact, throughout life, people are constantly moving forward and changing. To accept these changes is to grow; not to accept them is to have problems and even cause illness. When parents solve their own problems first, their children’s problems are often no longer a problem. You should also know some necessary parent-child communication skills Parents with adolescent children often complain that they can’t communicate with their children, that they can’t talk for more than a few sentences, and that the conversation either ends with the child slamming the door or with the parent’s anger. For example, a mother said, “My oldest son is eleven years old, and he speaks with a thorn in his side. In fact, these parents are often still in the same place, treating their grown-up child as a baby, and often interfere with their child’s growing sense of self and the urge to be independent with inappropriate discipline. To communicate with adolescent children, the following skills, you need to know: 1, parents should take the child’s performance as a normal part of his growth process, in the heart to truly accept the child is different from the childhood. 2, parents should look at the problem from the child’s point of view. 3, we say more words will be lost, criticism, accusations, complaints, nagging, threats, punishments that will hurt the child’s content most of the time in the language, so to say less and listen more. For the adolescent child, he is more often than not looking for a listening ear, so you listen carefully and attentively to your child, which is originally a kind of support for the child, in listening to the child, give some simple responses and simple commentary enough. 4, say what you feel about what your child has done or said, do not tell your child at length how to do. Nowadays, children know more about theories than parents, so your words may not be heard at all. He just wants you to show your approval, and your approval has made him satisfied. 5, the most important point is that everything should be done with respect to the child. Make an effort to adjust the way you deliver love to the child’s channel, in a way that he can accept to him. 6, adolescent children still need parental “intimate contact”, such as hugs, touching the head, kissing the forehead and so on. After all, the child’s growth is a continuation of the childhood you have been very close to him, because the child grows up, it does not give, he will also lose. 7, adolescent children should not lecture or scold, want to open the way of communication with the child, may be the first from the child interested in the topic of conversation, so that the child gradually open up to parents. Do not impose the parents’ wishes on the child, more encouragement and praise for the child. Lack of parental attention and companionship, children will inevitably turn their attention to the outside world, and seek security from the outside world. So, it still starts with adjusting the parents. The short time spent with the child does not mean that the quality of the time spent with the child is reduced, but rather that the child should be more focused and more involved, using the time to communicate with the child, starting with the topics that interest the child, and slowly enter the child’s heart. There is no such thing as reaping what you sow without paying for it. If you have less companionship, less understanding and less attention to your child, how can you get an open heart from your child? Research shows that: parents’ psychological quality in the child’s character is more directly related, parents are calm and democratic, children’s character is more affectionate, straightforward, have the ability to move; parents are too strict, children’s performance is often escape, resistance or timid; parents are hot and cold, erratic, children are more nervous, self-righteous, lack of responsibility, impatient, etc.. Therefore, parents in “menopause” should pay particular attention to the health of their emotional life, learn to channel their emotions reasonably, especially in the regulation of negative emotions to do a good example for their children. In short, conflict and power struggles are almost inevitable in the adolescent child’s quest for autonomy. However, most children and parents are able to resolve these differences, maintaining positive feelings for each other while readjusting their relationship with their parents to become more equal. And behind those children who are particularly rebellious, there is often a parent who is standing still and refusing to grow. Therefore, it is crucial for parents to remain self-aware and grow, no matter what age their children are.