Ms. Wan made a long-distance call to seek help: she was very dependent on her ex-boyfriend and enjoyed him arranging everything for her, but he broke up with her. Now that the breakup is long overdue, she has not been able to forget him, nor is she willing to socialize with others, and she doesn’t want to do anything all day long. She thinks she has lost the meaning of life. Experts believe that she lacks psychological independence and sees other people’s concern as the whole of her life. They suggest that she should make more friends and learn to love herself and others. True story Miss Wan from her hometown to make a long-distance phone call for help: “I do not want to live in such pain, I have thought of death, but have survived, but last night, I really can not control it very much want to die ……” followed by the sound of sobbing. After regaining some peace, she continued: “I do not know how to get into this, and now he ignores me, go to his company to find him, he does not see me, waiting for him in front of his home, he does not go home, call not answer, send a message also do not return, how he is so desperate? Last night, I found a pay phone and called him, he answered the phone, but as soon as he heard it was me, he hung up immediately. I really wanted to die at that time, there is nothing worthy of me to stay in this world ……” Miss Wan said “he” is her ex-boyfriend, last year, the two met at a hometown party, then he found Miss Wan’s old classmates, indirectly asked Miss Wan to work with him. The first time I saw him was when I was a student at the University of California at Berkeley, and then he went out to see a movie with Miss Wan, and then he started dating Miss Wan alone. “At first there was no special feeling for him, only that he was quite attentive to me, very caring and considerate, and I had just broken up with my boyfriend from my hometown at that time and was particularly lonely, so I quickly became a couple of lovers with him.” Miss Wan was very dependent on her boyfriend and enjoyed the cozy feeling of him arranging everything for her. However, she gradually realized that her boyfriend was becoming less and less interested in taking care of her, and after more than three months, he proposed to break up on the grounds that Miss Wan was not very suitable for him. Miss Wan couldn’t accept it because she was already very attached to him, and cried for many days, recalling how much he cared about her and how thoughtful he was, and how much she regretted not doing the same to care for him. She was also aware that because she was the only daughter in her family, she had been raised in pampering and never had to pay attention to other people’s feelings, and her boyfriend’s desire to leave had something to do with that. “But I tried to change! Why couldn’t he give me another chance? After we broke up, I tried to meet other boys, but I didn’t feel the same way, and none of them were as good as him. Last year, just broke up, he still and I have contact, but also through a phone call, send a text message, but this year after the Spring Festival, I do not know why, he slowly distant from me, but also do not pick up my phone, but I can not do without him ah! To his company to find him, colleagues said he was on a business trip, I know he actually did not travel, but deliberately avoided seeing me. I just kept calling him, kept texting him, and then the phone finally got through, but he said in a bad mood on the phone, ‘You are a good annoying woman! You stop harassing me!’ My heart hurts and I can’t figure out why this is happening.” It’s been a long time since we broke up, but Ms. Wan has never been able to forget her boyfriend, and every time she thinks of the happy times they had, she will shed tears for a long time, and slowly, she doesn’t want to interact with people anymore, and even more reluctant to go out, and stays home all day long, not wanting to do anything, nor interested in doing so. “Break up for so long, but I still miss him, yesterday it was hard for him to pick up the phone, but once he heard it was me, and hung up the phone, I really lost the meaning of survival, what should I do?” Psychoanalysis: Their “feelings” are not “love” This is a very common case of psychological counseling in which a person cannot get over the shadow of lost love after a breakup. Is it love or not? In life, there are some feelings that seem to be love, but in fact they are not, but they are mistaken for love, and as a result, both people are hurt. “Love” and “feelings” are different emotions, “love” is a kind of passion, there are a lot of physiological aspects of the performance, such as seeing the favorite person heartbeat faster, blushing fever, this is a kind of love. Love, just like the university library boys will sneak a glance at the opposite side of the girl do not know, feel the heart thumping, love in the physical level of performance will be more. Look at Miss Wan’s case: when she first met him, she did not have any special feelings for him, and if it is love, when you look at a person, you will have feelings, because love in fact can not be cultivated, to some extent, it is “natural”, and Miss Wan later on her boyfriend has feelings, so her feelings for her boyfriend, the love level of the component is very little. But why does Ms. Wan feel that there is a kind of “love” between herself and her boyfriend? This is because there is another kind of emotion, called “feelings”, “feelings” can be cultivated, for example, there are some couples who do not have “love”, but care about each other and think about each other. For example, in life, some couples do not have “love”, but they care about each other very much, for each other, is because they have “feelings” between the level in. Ms. Wan cares a lot about her boyfriend, but in fact, this kind of emotion is more of a “feeling” component, and the love component is very little. He happens to provide this kind of dependence Miss Wan and her boyfriend have misunderstood the emotion between them, there is no love between them, but a kind of dependence relationship. Miss Wan has just broken up with her boyfriend from her hometown and is particularly lonely. At this time, she is especially emotionally dependent on others, and the boy she met at the hometown party gave her this emotional satisfaction, caring for her and taking care of her, which she mistakenly thought was love for her. Ms. Wan is emotionally dependent and values other people’s concern for her as very important, and the fact that he did something to care for her was a feeling of being needed, so both parties misinterpreted this emotion and thought it was a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. In fact, there is no love between them, but rather a kind of dependence, which she needs to rely on and which he happens to provide. Therefore, with Miss Wan’s dependent personality, when her boyfriend proposes to break up, she naturally thinks that he has changed his mind. In fact, it is natural for him to propose to break up, because after all, it is not love, and there is a psychological distance between him and her, and if this distance is too close, he will feel not free and uncomfortable, and when he wants to break away, Miss Wan leans closer towards him, and naturally feels that Miss Wan is a “so annoying”. Emotional over-dependence is related to childhood experiences Generally speaking, about three months after a breakup, a person’s emotions will stabilize, but Miss Wan can’t walk away from the shadow of the breakup for a long time, which is related to Miss Wan’s emotionally dependent personality. A person’s personality is usually defined before the age of 12. Psychologists can infer a person’s adult reactions from his or her condition before the age of 12. Excessive dependence generally arises in the stage between the ages of 6 and 12, when the overly dependent person will have some problems. For example, if a child who has just started kindergarten is sent to kindergarten and watches his parents turn around and disappear in front of the kindergarten door and the child cries desperately, he is experiencing separation-type anxiety. In fact, he doesn’t want to go to kindergarten because he is afraid of being separated from his dependent parents, and if he is not guided, the child will become more and more overly dependent on his parents. Over-dependence on emotions usually comes from early or childhood experiences. Being over-attended and taken care of in childhood will lead to over-dependence on others when one grows up. Ms. Wan is the only daughter in her family, and her parents love her very much and give her too much care, so she can’t live independently when she grows up, and naturally she relies on her boyfriend in her relationship, and when she breaks up, she can’t accept the reality, and hides in her house and doesn’t socialize with the outside world. People who depend on others can easily take the other person as their all and more important than themselves, and pay little attention to their own inner needs. Ms. Wan puts all her happiness on her boyfriend, and the loss of this dependence will give her a sense of uselessness and loneliness, so it is difficult to get out of the pain. Parents should not control their children too much, but let them make their own decisions, which will help them form a self-reliant and independent character when they grow up. To encourage children to play with their peers, 6 to 12-year-old children encounter difficulties, parents can observe on the side, do not intervene too much, try to let the child use their own ability to solve the problem, really can not be solved, and then go to help him. Expert advice: Learn to love yourself before you can love others In fact, if Ms. Wan can find a person in her life, he happens to be relied on and need to meet, to take care of her, care for her, in this case, Ms. Wan can also live a very happy life. What if such a boyfriend is not found? Judging from Miss Wan’s behavior, it seems that she has broken up with her boyfriend on the surface, but she has been living in the past internally, seeing her dependence on her boyfriend as love, so it is hard for her to come out. Therefore, she needs to make a ritual of breaking up with her boyfriend internally. Because she was overly dependent on her parents and overprotected in her early years, Ms. Wan has not grown psychologically accordingly and lacks independence, so she sees the care she receives from others as all she has to live for, and she needs to make up for this psychological tendency. This psychological tendency needs to be “remedied”. The way is to go out into the society and make friends, because besides marriage, a person also includes many other relationships, and love is not the whole of life. Going out can cultivate a sound mind and make gains, and after a period of time, her anxiety will gradually disappear. Hobbies can also ease the pain. More importantly, one must learn to love oneself and have the courage to do so, so that one can love others and live well without a boyfriend.