True Story
Recently, Xiaoli, a counselor at the Psychological Crisis Intervention Center, received a call from Xiaolin (a pseudonym). It turned out that when school started, 19-year-old Lin was afraid to go back to school. What made this freshman girl so afraid to start school? Xiao Lin said that her college life is not as good as she expected, and it all stems from interpersonal relationships.
Xiaolin’s dormitory has six girls, when they first enrolled last September, they had a good relationship with each other, going on field trips and watching movies together, but over time, the differences between them began to gradually reveal themselves, and finally divided into two factions: Xiaolin and two other girls from the city are the “city faction”, and the other three girls are the The other three girls are the “county school”. There were often conflicts between the “urban and rural factions” in the dormitory, and the dormitory atmosphere gradually moved away from harmony.
Xiao Lin feels that the girls from the county have many behavioral habits that she is not used to, and she and they “can’t eat together, can’t wear together, can’t play together”, so gradually distant. Although the other two girls from the city have a lot in common with themselves, but only with their own “relatively” closer, because these two girls also have a lot of things that Xiao Lin does not like, such as fussy, like to watch boring romance films, do not think about others. In short, Xiao Lin thinks they have a lot of flaws, none of them can really qualify to become their own friends, so they usually do not communicate much.
One day, two months ago, a very unpleasant incident happened. Xiao Lin lost her wallet while shopping alone that day and was so upset that she lay in bed all night sulking. In the dormitory, two city girls were listening to music and three other county girls were chatting on melon seeds, which made Xiao Lin feel even more bored. Be quiet, okay?” Everyone quieted down at once, but only for a little while, then they started to make their own noise again. When Lin saw that everyone was ignoring her request, she became even more furious and had a big fight with them.
After this incident, her roommates ignored her, and she didn’t explain to them why she lost her temper that day, but she felt that after that, her roommates started to “leave her out”, deliberately not talking to her, not even calling her to the cafeteria, and even the two “city” girls who used to play well with her. The two “city” girls who used to play well with each other also ignored her. Xiao Lin sometimes went to the next dormitory to play and saw that the atmosphere in the next dormitory was better, she was very envious and thought that it would have been better if she had been assigned to this dormitory. Whenever she returned to her own dormitory, she felt very depressed and felt that her roommates were not right and not good at all, so she was very homesick.
She found that the door was locked and no one opened the door for her after knocking twice, but fortunately a student in the next dormitory was not there, so she could sleep for the night. Lying in her classmate’s bed, Xiao Lin was very aggrieved and cried silently for a long time. The next day, no one in the dorm mentioned that they had locked the door early yesterday, and Xiao Lin did not dare to question them, but only rejected her own dormitory in her heart.
During the last month of the semester, she was so upset and depressed that she couldn’t concentrate in class. All she wanted to do was to take her final exams quickly, go home quickly, and leave this place quickly, and only when she thought of returning to her warm home, her mother’s cooking, and her father’s smile did she feel better. Later, she applied to the department for a change of dormitory, but the teacher did not agree because he did not think the reasons were sufficient. When she thought that she would have to study and live in such an environment for the next three years, she was very depressed.
When winter break finally came, Xiao Lin returned to Shenzhen and her parents, compared to home, which was her heaven, and the dormitory, which was like hell. But after the school year starts, she still has to go back to “hell”, Xiao Lin is very resistant, do not know what to do?
Psychological Analysis
She uses herself as a model to speculate about others
Why does Xiao Lin’s interpersonal relationship go wrong?
The reason why Xiao Lin doesn’t like her classmates is that she projects her own psychological phenomena onto them, for example, she thinks her classmates are picky, but in fact she is probably picky herself. Psychological projection is a very common phenomenon, because people are used to taking themselves as a blueprint to observe and speculate on other people’s hearts, some personality traits they have but they are not willing to accept, it is easy to project this personality they do not like onto others, thinking that others have such personality traits. Just like some people feel that someone is very dependent or ambitious or very aggressive, it is actually that he himself has these traits but he himself is not willing to accept them, so he projects them onto others so that he can reduce his anxiety.
This psychological projection is subconscious and is not felt in person. For example, if someone feels that others are particularly indifferent to them, they are actually a bit indifferent to their own character, so even when others show a slight resemblance of indifference, he brings out his inner character traits and projects them onto others, except that this is all done subconsciously, without the person being aware of it.
There is an interesting saying in psychology: when you like someone, you usually like the personality you don’t have; and if the other person is annoying to you in some way, generally speaking that annoying personality you have yourself, but you don’t like that personality, so you will take your own heart for others.
Xiao Lin always thinks that her classmates are picky and not considerate of others, but in fact this is her own personality trait, only Xiao Lin thinks this personality trait is not good and does not accept herself as such, so she projects it onto her classmates instead.
Psychological projection can really change others
On the other hand, Xiaolin felt that her classmates were cold to her, when in fact, their coldness to her first came from her coldness to her classmates, which was their identification with the personality she projected out. Generally speaking, when projecting one’s own personality traits onto another person, the projected person will really inspire that personality trait because of the interactive nature of the interpersonal relationship.
To cite a clinical case: A mother is easily angry, but she knows that being angry is a bad personality, so she subconsciously projects that angry characteristic onto her daughter, at which point she will feel that her daughter does get angry easily, and over time the mother will have a hurt feeling and will be upset with her daughter, which in turn will really cause her daughter to get angry.
So, if a person has a psychological projection, that projection can really change another person, as a result of interpersonal interaction. Her classmates’ coldness and rejection of Xiao Lin is actually the result of Xiao Lin’s psychological projection. She feels that her classmates are rejecting her, and thus she is dissatisfied and cold to them, and then they feel her rejection, so they ignore her accordingly. Therefore, the reason for her classmates’ coldness towards her still lies in Xiaolin herself.
Expert advice
Withdrawing projections with professional help
The problem of psychological projection is complex, and it is best for Xiao Lin to see a psychotherapist in order to properly address the problem.
Psychological projection is a relatively strong emotional process and a subconscious process that she is not aware of. Therefore, the psychologist should help her recognize this process and realize that many situations are her own psychological projection and not a real picky or indifferent classmate. In other words, the psychological projection has to be brought from the subconscious level to the conscious level in order to help her understand her emotions correctly and to “withdraw” the projection. In addition, the psychotherapist will discuss with Lin and recall her internal situation, where she should have experienced similar attitudes in her previous relationships with her parents or siblings.
Under the professional guidance of the psychotherapist, a dramatic change in Lynn’s situation can occur. Because when she changes her attitude toward her classmates, the psychological projection is withdrawn, and interpersonal relationships are interactive relationships, so her classmates’ attitudes toward her will change accordingly. In this way, Xiaolin was able to experience a cordial relationship with her classmates.
In the psychotherapy process, the therapist should have the ability to accept the feelings of her psychological projections. Because Xiaolin will project the same personality traits onto the therapist, she will feel that the therapist is critical, indifferent, and rejects her, and the doctor can digest or metabolize this projection in a way that is mature and interactive, rather than rejecting or being cold to her as a lay person (such as Xiaolin’s classmates) would be. “Through this interaction, the therapist will give Xiao-lin a different experience and reaction. She will internalize this interaction and imitate and apply it in her own life, learning to accept and experience the resulting pleasure, so that in the future, she will not be in the same situation as she is currently in with her classmates or colleagues.