Why do we lack love?
People who lack love not only lack love within themselves, they are also incapable of loving others. Because love is fluid. People who are full of love inside have enough love to give to others.
Now let’s imagine.
The heart of a person who is full of love is a constant spring of clear water, flowing, refreshing, quenching thirst, irrigating mountains and trees, and moistening the earth, while the heart of a person who is seriously lacking love is like a swamp that tends to dry up, or a pond covered with mud.
On the one hand, such a heart cannot moisten others, and on the other hand, such a heart urgently needs a large amount of water from the outside world to fill it.
So, how many people can give her the love she needs from such a dry heart? And how many people can tolerate the state of the other person’s inability to moisten themselves?
What does this mean?
She needs love, and is afraid that others do not give enough love; low self-esteem, worried that she does not deserve to be loved; and may manifest as strong, wanting to prove that the other person loves her, and control the other person’s behavior to give herself love.
All these kinds of manifestations are the big no-no in intimate relationships.
What is the root cause of the lack of love?
In my opinion, it is the basic anxiety caused by the lack of presence.
The lack of being truly loved and the inability to find a sense of belonging creates a psychological response of inexplicable panic and lack of security.
American psychologist Karen Horney calls this psychological response: basic anxiety.
Causes of lack of love.
One part is the lack of affirmation and affection from a significant nurturer in childhood.
The other part, in fact, is the lack of recognition from family, clan, or organization in childhood or adulthood.
George Simenon, the internationally renowned detective novelist, spent his life longing for approval from his mother, saying, “The whole world appreciates me, except you.” But until his death, his mother insisted that she would not give her son the recognition that was so important to him.
So George has always had a sense of anxiety about the lack of presence.
The way we call the lack of love manifests itself is actually a manifestation of basic inner anxiety.
Analogous to people who are suddenly laid off.
For example, people who are approaching middle age, who are suddenly hit by an epidemic, and who are suddenly laid off by a company they have worked diligently for more than ten years, will have the same feeling of a sudden weakening of their sense of existence, or even abandonment, and at this time, internally, they are generating the same basic anxiety as the manifestation of lack of love.
What is the impact of lack of love?
In the eyes of people who lack love, because there is no sense of existence and lack of belonging, then it is easy to treat the world as hostile.
Lack of security makes it impossible to mobilize your thoughts, emotions and energy to get security.
In other words, you will find that people who lack love will be very concerned about the events, objects, and behaviors to obtain a sense of security, and will mobilize all the energy and emotions to devote to the matter of obtaining a sense of security.
In layman’s terms, their thinking logic will have these manifestations.
1, you have to prove that you love me hard, I believe your love.
2, you have to love me more than I love you.
3, you do not prove, then you do not love me.
4.Either you have to be committed to get your love; or strong to force you to give me your love.
5, do I not deserve to be loved?
6, I suspect that you do not love me enough, I will query all traces to prove that you love / do not love me.
7, objectify each other: you give me money, services, actions, etc., is to love me.
8, I lack of love, someone should give me love, do not give me, I hate you.
Lack of love in fact, there are two categories of obvious performance.
One category is the people who want love thirsty for love, soft to lower their posture, lower their frame.
The other category, is to set up a strong or even controlling armor to cover up that soft thirst for love inside themselves.
I once received a case that belonged to the second category. Lynn was at work, acting very independent and enthusiastic, yeah, it didn’t look like she was lacking love in the usual sense.
However, she was very strong in her intimate relationships, saying, “I worry that my husband doesn’t love me enough, so I desperately want to prove myself, so I work very hard and very hard at work.”
Yet she behaved in a way that suppressed her husband’s tenderness toward her, disdained the gifts he gave her, and even showed little regard for him in the smallest of ways.
Lynn was unable to act lovingly; she was insecure inside.
She said, “Actually, I always worry that my husband will leave me and I am very insecure. But on the other hand, I feel that he is not as good at his job as I am. Also, he sends gifts as he should, and I need him to show his love more often for me to feel comfortable.”
Doesn’t it seem logically confusing to resent your husband on one side and still worry about him leaving, and crave love on the other.
It is the contradiction between the heart and expression of these love-starved people that makes their relationship so sick.
One can infer how difficult and suffocating it should be for her husband to give and not receive positive feedback and encouragement. When the husband felt his wife’s dislike, his self-esteem was severely bruised, so how could he think that his wife was actually eager to give her more love?
Eventually, Lynn’s husband fought for his rights by cheating on her, even in a threesome. Lynn was distraught that her husband had hurt her deeply, and she still accused him of his behavior in her communication, making it impossible to reach an exchange. Her husband, who had low self-esteem, simply began to not talk and refused to communicate.
It was very painful for Lynn, which could not be said to be Lynn’s fault, and her husband’s cheating was certainly a matter of principle.
However, the problem of getting along with her husband is still a problem between them, or rather, the problem of lack of love for Lynn, her husband’s low self-esteem and cheating are making them both farther and farther away from happiness.
Although intimacy is built by two people, but the lack of love, will likely suffer more intimacy in the bumpy road.
So, how do people who lack love help themselves?
Since the root of the lack of love is the lack of existence, healing the lack of love must be in the link with the world and the society to heal.
That is, one needs to connect with the outside world, find the need for self and the need to belong, and build relationships.
I have summarized some of the ways to land on the ground, exclusively.
1. Work in a team.
Participate in the team work and make links with team members, team goals, etc. Find your place in the team’s organizational relationships and find a sense of presence.
Similarly, I am not encouraging you to indulge in games, but team combat games are appropriate to participate in, as well as team sports, are available.
When we find an organization, a team, where we can be recognized, where we can be affirmed, where we can even use your light and heat, then you will be able to gain a sense of presence and heal the appearance of your lack of love.
We often join a group of like-minded people, will have a feeling: “Finally found the organization.” Is a shallow sense of existence to obtain.
2, go out and build relationships.
Many people who lack love are actually lonely inside because they have not established more links with the outside world.
Then, go out and actively build relationships, whether it’s friendship or love, whether it’s comrades or common hobbies, or just to meet more people.
Build relationships, and this process will be able to reconstruct our understanding of ourselves.
3. Try more different events and act bravely.
Before we were building connections with people, now here we are building connections with events, with actions.
When we take these actions and generate feedback, we are able to recognize what we are like.
Many people may think, I am trying to see how to heal from lack of love, who wants to see how you do things.
You know, doing things, dealing with events, is a way of linking us to the external world, these behaviors allow us to build our self, allowing us to access more about the construction of our own existence ah.
For example, you encounter a difficult customer complaint that needs to be resolved, and you’re not sure if you can handle it, so you muster up the courage to spend a few hours, put in the labor and wisdom, and actually end up resolving it successfully.
You start to be impressed with yourself, you start to believe in your own ability, you start to be confident, right? After self-confidence, your own, your colleagues, your customers, the recognition of you, is not to strengthen your sense of existence?
Are you building your self little by little and fixing your own lack?
4, more intake of knowledge, more reading, in the collision of knowledge to find self-needs.
This is also a connection with the external world, we come to the world as a single individual, we have to collide with the world, and what bounces back is our ego.
It’s then that you realize, “Oh, so I can resonate with the content in books, so I can learn so much to use in my life, I can shake hands with ancient authors, and I can reach the same frequency of thinking with the new bestselling authors.”
5. Repair the relationship with the nurturer or heal in a significant relationship.
We can’t reinvent our childhood, but we can build our present and our future.
Patterns of living with our parents can directly affect our relationship patterns with our partners, even in the direction of choosing a mate.
Many times, we are looking for types similar or seemingly opposite to our parents, but in the end, we seem to be repeating our own intimate relationship patterns with our parents or between our parents.
As mentioned earlier, Lynn’s strength is actually the fact that her mother used to be very strong and made money to support the family, while her father was slightly weaker and still not very caring. Lynn vowed to find a good, opposite male to her father as her husband, but after marriage, she found that her husband, who was great at his job, started to go downhill.
When the marriage turned out to be in trouble, after I asked for guidance, she realized that she reprimanded her husband. The way and even scenes of her mother reprimanding her father back then were similar.
So, Lynn’s problem was to reconcile with her parents, especially with her father.
After the arrangement guided Lynn to have a deeper conversation with her father, Lynn realized that her father was actually very wise and clear, only that he was in love with her mother back then, so he had been tolerant. It made Linlin mistakenly think that her father was not good, and in this way, she became hostile and dislikeful towards him.
After the relationship between Lynn and her father gradually began to reconcile, Lynn’s attitude towards her husband and even men began to change at the root.
Summing up.
What are the effects of lack of love?
In the eyes of people who lack love, because there is no sense of existence and lack of belonging, then it is easy to treat the world as hostile.
Lack of security, so will involuntarily mobilize their thoughts, emotions and energy to get a sense of security.
1. you have to prove hard that you love me before I believe in your love.
2. you have to love me more than I love you.
3. you don’t prove it, then you just don’t love me.
4.Either you have to be committed to get your love; or strong to force you to give me your love.
5, do I not deserve to be loved?
6, I suspect that you do not love me enough, I will query all traces to prove that you love / do not love me.
7, objectify each other: you give me money, services, actions, etc., is to love me.
8, I lack of love, someone should give me love, do not give me, I hate you.
Lack of love in fact, there are two categories of obvious performance.
One category is the people who want love thirsty for love, soft to lower their posture, lower their frame.
The other category, is to set up a strong or even controlling armor to cover up that soft thirst for love within themselves.
How do people who lack love help themselves?
There is a need to connect with the outside world, to find the needs of the self and the need to belong, to build relationships.
1. Work in a team.
2. Go out and build relationships.
3.Try more different events and act bravely.
4.Intake more knowledge, read more, and find the need for self in the collision of knowledge.
5. Repair the relationship with the nurturer or heal in a significant relationship.
In any case, lack of love is a former pain from which we experience sadness, grief, betrayal, arguments, etc. We even doubt whether we deserve to be loved and recognized and affirmed.
But if we take action, face ourselves, accept ourselves, and commit ourselves to relationships and the outside world to build a new self, then we can become increasingly full and brave.