Frequent quarrels? Poor communication? Feel like you can’t solve your problems?
What should we do when the problems get bigger and bigger and consume our feelings?
Today, from the perspective of sales work, to talk about couples communication.
The beauty of sales work is that a couple of words can turn the situation around. The precarious problem, turned into a mutually satisfactory result.
Sales, in fact, the main job is not to push any product or simply to convince what. Because, the real day-to-day of this work, is to solve problems.
In the work, we will encounter many problems every day, 20% of the problem is to find the courage to find ways to reach or solve, while 80% of the problem is to rely on the ability to communicate.
Communication itself is a way to solve problems, but we must remember is that the right communication is. Wrong communication is equal to nothing or even will screw things up.
In fact, the emotional problems we are experiencing now are just as much about problem solving, right? Dreaming tries to find the common ground in this. Add to apply.
1, determine the goal of communication
First of all, determine what the purpose of initiating this communication to achieve.
In sales work, if it is the first unfamiliar visit communication, usually within 2-5 minutes to reach several goals: to know, to understand, to make each other trust.
No matter what, these three should be reached in the initial meeting. I have seen salesmen just run to hand business cards and exchange pleasantries, without indicating what needs they can meet for the other company, and without asking questions and showing cases. This is an inefficient communication that wastes the other party’s time as well as their own.
So do we have this in our relationship and marriage problems? Yes, and it is very common.
Share a true story of meeting my mother-in-law.
Big M, a male counselor, was a straightforward man who poked around his girlfriend’s parents’ house and visited without her knowledge. Big M took a long car ride, knocked on the door, carried a gift, and made it clear who he was and what he was coming for. Then he had a quick dinner and said goodbye. The girlfriend’s mother later told her daughter, how that young man left, we also said to talk to him about what kind of situation he was in, to understand it.
As a result, until the wedding, Big M did not talk to the woman’s parents alone, the other parents are from their daughter’s mouth to understand the status of their future son-in-law. The woman’s parents are not supportive of the marriage because they do not know enough about the man and trust is not established.
2.Find the accurate communicator
In the business sales process, it is often necessary to find the accurate communicator, which may be a decision maker or several people all need to communicate.
Some people say, that the relationship in the accurate communication person still need to find it, is the object chanting.
Is that true?
The consultant, Xiao Li, has been in a relationship with her former boyfriend for more than 3 years. The first three years were very good, but finally she found that her boyfriend gradually became less and less communication with her, how to ask, but did not say, and finally her boyfriend told her to break up.
The boyfriend only said, because the male parents had met Xiaoli three times, the male parents are not satisfied with Xiaoli, think she is not hardworking enough also can not take care of their son, they decided to let their son break up to find a new one.
In fact, there is obviously a misunderstanding, but the boyfriend endured the pressure from the parents, afraid of Xiaoli unhappy, has not said. Xiao Li was not aware of her boyfriend’s parents’ opinion. Until finally Xiaoli asked to get married, the boyfriend was helpless to explode, in the case of the boyfriend to bear the pain to cut off the feelings, and finally reluctant to break up.
In this problem, on the one hand, need to discuss the root cause of parental dissatisfaction with Xiaoli and her boyfriend; on the other hand, need Xiaoli and her boyfriend to arrange a meeting again, talk sincerely with her boyfriend’s parents, show that they both love each other’s determination, in communication in the action to dispel the misunderstanding of her boyfriend’s parents.
You see, in fact, inside the Xiao Li is very wrong, unexplained was broken up. But such cases are very much. Many people in marriage, poor communication, and do not know where the problem is. Nor do they know exactly where the communicator is, while there is no action to solve it, or action in the wrong direction, leading to more and more problems. Feelings are weakened more and more shallow.
3.Find the point of the problem
The consultant sister, Q, was looking for me during this period of time. The problem she faced in the relationship was that there were arguments and her boyfriend asked her to learn a professional skill, saying that in the future together, he could not support the family alone. And Q she felt that her boyfriend looked down on her and was not willing to let Q use his money.
I analyzed it, in fact, her surface problem seems to be the problem of making money. In fact, the real problem is: small Q’s education secondary school, clerk, income is not high; boyfriend key bachelor’s degree, work and family superior.
The professional education career development between the two of them are far from each other, and also the difference in class. So, using or not using your boyfriend’s money is secondary.
The focus is how to relieve the pressure of class differences, to reach each other’s real spouse selection requirements.
Otherwise, the relationship will sooner or later fall into a quagmire and stop dead in its tracks.
4, communication: respect + the right sentence
In communication, whether to the A or to the other half, there is an important requirement: to respect, to put aside emotions, to state objective facts, rather than accusations.
For example.
A girl sees her boyfriend going to dinner with a female friend and posting friends.
The girl says: “You just don’t care about me (accusation), you don’t even treat me as a girlfriend (accusation)! What do you mean by making me look bad like this? (attack)”
This is an accusation, not a statement of objective fact.
The correct statement is.
“I saw the friend circle you posted about having dinner with a female friend (stating a fact), and it made me feel uncomfortable (describing feelings). I want to ask you, did you not consider my feelings, or did you send it to me on purpose, or did you just send it because you were happy to see your old friends? (Selective question without attack)”
The correct sentence style: statement of facts + description of feelings + no offensive choice of questions.
5.Brief and concise
Direct expression, do not beat around the bush.
Many communications go around and around, but in the end the problem is not solved, but made complicated, and time-consuming and labor-intensive.
The consultant M and her new boyfriend had a very bad time because of a little misunderstanding.
Little M was very angry and said a lot of things, and then she thought that her boyfriend usually did not spend much time with her, so she was very angry and sent a lot of messages.
As a result, her boyfriend was very busy at work and replied very little.
The two people were getting more and more unhappy, and the misunderstanding was not resolved, but rather aggravated the value of M’s anger.
Little M asked me what to do.
So I said to Little M, you try to let him give you 10 minutes. The two of you briefly and clearly sort out the problem. Just 10 minutes.
Then express Little M’s problem in three sentences.
Sentences: Statement of facts + description of feelings + question without attack
(1) You’ve been spending very little time with me lately. We’re in the intimacy-building phase of our relationship, communicating less and spending less time together (stating facts), which I think is affecting our relationship very much (describing feelings). Is it possible to talk about increasing the time spent with you? (Question without attack)
(2) The previous misunderstanding, I’m not doubting you, I’m just worried about you, I don’t mean to check up on you. (state the facts) I feel very aggrieved, I just want to be able to get your attention. (Describe the feeling)
(3) What I see is that you keep delaying like this and not solving the problem itself, I am distressed. (Describe feelings) Do you not know how to solve the problem, or do you want to avoid this misunderstanding? (Selective questioning without aggression)
The boyfriend quickly replied to her.
(1) I’m sorry that recently it’s the busiest time of the year and I didn’t deal with your expected feelings about my busy period in advance, I’ll let you know in advance later.
(2) That misunderstanding I also reflected on for a long time, it should be that I did not give you enough security. This is my sense of not running a relationship, I thought our feelings were solid enough, so I ignored it, it’s my problem.
(3) Believe me, I have absolutely no intention to escape.
Little M said: OK, I believe you.
Little M continued to say the solution.
(1) when not meeting, every day fixed efficient communication for ten minutes, thunder, the content is the day’s harvest and feelings.
(2) together, do more to develop feelings, such as together to complete a household chores.
(3) later encounter problems, we adhere to the Dai Mengling ten-minute communication method, quickly solve the problem, the same day the problem on the same day to solve, on 10 minutes, never delay.
Boyfriend said: no problem.
You see, little M’s problem was quickly solved.
6, Dai Mengling ten minutes communication method
When there is a need to communicate to solve the problem.
(1) Both sides only talk about the point of view, objective situation, feelings, no blame, no speculation. Sentence style: statement of facts + description of feelings + no offensive questions.
(2) Expressing opinions successively, in the form of 1-2-3- sentences, concise, only the main points.
(3) Trust each other and maintain empathy.
(4) Use 1-2-3 sentences to discuss the follow-up improvement plan.
(5) End the conflict. Cleanly and concisely.
(6) If it is not completely resolved, repeat the 10-minute communication method again.