What does a safe model of intimacy look like? Able to argue and make up. With a fault-tolerant mode, able to allow each other to say what they want to say, without worrying about the impact on the intimate relationship. First, how to look at the quarrel 1, quarrel and sex Once with a psychological peer to talk about the quarrel in the marriage, we found an interesting phenomenon: when the couple’s sex life is not satisfied, or long-term sex life, couples are prone to quarrel. Moreover, the quarrels started by women are very likely to be around the time of ovulation and menstruation. Quarrels and sex are very similar, both are intense expressions, full of passion and energy, poking each other’s sensitivities, accompanied by intense physical and mental sensations, and finally ending in peace and exhaustion. If the fight is good, then the two people will feel closer to each other and the relationship will go further. If the fight is bad, then the two people will be left with resentment and the relationship will suffer. So some people tease that sex is the body of the mingling, quarrel is the spirit of the mingling. 2, people’s prejudice Usually people’s definition of a loving couple is: “Two couples who have not been red in the face for decades.” However, we see some divorce cases, couples married for several years, no quarrel, but in the end, often with cheating, no common language and so on various reasons to end the marriage in a hurry. Lips and teeth and may fight, let alone two close people who spend time with each other. Quarreling is not a problem with the partner, but an attempt to solve the problem 3, do not avoid quarrel First of all, quarrel is not a bad thing, it may be to enhance the intimacy of the steps. If you avoid arguing, then instead you will therefore keep the conflict bottled up, silently destroying intimacy and even festering into a bigger conflict. By way of analogy, imagine how damaging it would be to intimacy if a wife avoided her husband’s sexual advances. Then similarly, if an argument is avoided, it will have a similar lethality. Avoiding an argument means to the other half: I refuse to communicate with you, I don’t value your thoughts, etc. The Zeigernike Effect The Zeigernike Effect, is the idea that people are more impressed by things they have not yet dealt with than by things they have already dealt with. This phenomenon was concluded by Zeigernik through experiments. If a conflict is not resolved when it arises, it will remain in the minds of both people, causing a deeper impression and affecting their emotions. If the conflict is resolved positively after it arises, then both people will quickly forget about it. Return to a peaceful life. 4, your communication pattern is how? Come to see an interesting way to test the communication mode of conflict: we have all sat in the drop car it, if the trip in the drop car, you are dissatisfied with the driver, how would you express? The first type of passenger can directly tell the driver, where there is a problem, the two sides can immediately exchange views, try to reach an agreement or to reduce the dissatisfaction. This type of passengers get off the bus, the chances of giving the driver a bad review is very low. The second type of passenger will not say it out, will be indifferent, avoid positive conflict, get off the bus to give a bad review. The third type of passengers are very generous, will automatically convince themselves to ignore the driver’s small mistakes, do not care, this type of passengers get off the bus, the probability will not give a bad review. The driver is most afraid of, is the fourth category of passengers, is on the surface and calm, chatting quite good, expression behavior without waves, the results of the car, backhand is a bad review or complaint, will not give the driver the opportunity to correct the problem. Second, how to quarrel better: If quarrel is so important, then how can we solve the problem, but not hurt the relationship? Let’s talk about this through the following case study. There’s a couple that’s been married for 8 years, and they have a 6-year-old son. The husband had promised his wife that he would go to the playground with their son after work. As a result, he was too busy at work and had an impromptu dinner party. The husband sent a message to his wife: “I’m sorry” and went to work. He got drunk at night and came home late. The wife had felt that her husband had broken his promise, and she was quite unhappy that he came back so late and drank so much. So the wife complained while taking care of her husband. The wife was still angry until the next morning. When the husband got up, he was already a little late, so he hurried to go to work. Seeing that his wife was unhappy, he said, “I’m sorry,” and then turned around to go to work. The wife, in a hurry, tugged at her husband’s shirt and said; “Do you still care about the family or not?” Husband is also angry, in a hurry to go to work, yelled: “I am also for the family, you stop, okay?” Then the husband threw away his wife’s hand and slammed the door. The wife cried out in aggravation. She thought, “I can’t believe he doesn’t even care about this family anymore. By the time the husband came home in the evening, the wife had already put her son to bed. The husband had calmed down for the day and came home to see his wife hard at work. So the husband says to his wife, “I’m sorry, I’ve been so busy lately, and the bidding has gotten to me. The pressure of performance is too much. I did want to stay with you guys, but I need to stay with my clients temporarily. I didn’t mean to drink so much or not be with you guys. I need some space left for work these days, this is an extraordinary time for me, I hope you can support me.” The wife was half as angry as she heard her husband’s words, but she was still a little uncomfortable. The wife says, “I was upset when you shook me off this morning and slammed the door, and I think you may not value this family as much as you should.” This is the first step in an argument: expressing needs and feelings Use declarative sentences to describe the objective situation, express your needs, and describe your feelings. Husband says, “It’s true that I didn’t have enough time in the morning, and I was in a hurry, and I was afraid that we would get into a fight, so I wanted to hurry to work and calm down. I didn’t mean to get rid of you.” This is the second step of the fight: listening and responding Listen to what the other person is saying, not just wandering around in their own world, but also give a positive response. The wife thinks about it, as if she was in quite a hurry, and pulling her husband along could have really led to a big fight. The wife continued, “I was waiting for you when you came home last night after drinking so much, and I was so worried about you that I blamed you.” Hearing his wife’s words, the husband’s heart softened and held his wife’s shoulders, “You scolded me for a long time last night, I didn’t say a word back last night, I was also holding it in my heart at the time, and today I digested it all day and eased up. Thank you for worrying about me, I will try to put off these drinking games in the future and not let you worry.” This is the third step of quarreling: repairing while quarreling While quarreling, give each other steps down. Believe that love and acceptance are always the killer app for easing intimacy. The story ends with the son waking up, running to his parents’ room, climbing onto the bed and hugging his dad, saying, “Dad, mom cried this morning, did you bully her?” The husband looks into his wife’s eyes and says, “I love your mom so much, I can’t bully her anymore.” Summarize: A truly solid intimate relationship is one that can argue and make up. Giving each other a resilient room for error removes anxiety about intimacy. And this space, filled with, is love ah. I. How to look at quarrels 1.Quarrels and sex 2.People’s prejudices 3.Not avoiding quarrels 4.What is your communication pattern? 二.How to fight better 1.Expressing needs and feelings 2.Responding while listening 3.Fixing while fighting