Partner Exercises The following guiding principles apply to all exercises later in this chapter unless otherwise noted: 1) Both partners read and discuss each exercise before doing it for the first time. 2) It is also important to agree on which words to use to communicate when aborting and restarting stimuli. Vocabulary is important because non-verbal signals can easily be misunderstood.” Stop”, “pause”, “start” and “start again” are all acceptable, as long as they are concise, clear and acceptable to both partners. 3) Before starting the exercise, try to make both people feel relaxed and comfortable. Some couples prefer to start directly with penile stimulation, while others prefer to start with a hug, cuddle or massage. In still other couples, the man sexually stimulates his partner first, and the woman then returns the favor. There is no one rule that applies to all couples. Just do what makes you both feel good. 4) When deciding which position to take, it is vital that your partner takes her comfort into account. She, like you, has to keep doing it for 15 minutes. If she uses her hands to stimulate you, does she want to sit beside you or between her legs? These details can make a big difference. 5) During the exercise, focus on your own level of sexual arousal/tension and not on your partner’s feelings. This is critical. 6) Unless otherwise stated, the goal of each exercise is to last 15 minutes without ejaculation. You can ejaculate after 15 minutes if you wish, but go slowly, to experience the sensations of sexual arousal/tension and the inevitable point, and then enjoy the pleasure. 7) When using the abort method, you should feel confident in your control and abort no more than twice in 15 minutes. Then move on to the next exercise. If you have a lot of problems doing the next exercise and it doesn’t get better after a few tries, go back to the last exercise until you have further improved your control skills. 8) Remember, an average of two to three times a week works well for most couples. The more the better, as long as you don’t have to work too hard at getting an erection or getting your partner to do the exercises with you. 3, partner stimulation of the penis Step A: She stimulates your penis with her unlubricated hand in a way that turns you on; she can always be instructed on how to stroke you. Focus on your own sexual arousal/tension level and tell her when to abort; tell her to resume stimulation after the arousal/tension has subsided. When you are able to continue for 15 minutes, abort no more than twice, and feel confident in your ability to complete the exercise again, move on to Step B. Step B: Exactly the same as Step A, except now your partner will apply lotion, oil or other lubricant to her hands. Possible Problems You focus on your partner rather than your own arousal/tension, and therefore do not stop in time. You may be concerned about whether she is happy, bored, or tired. You need to get your attention back as soon as possible. You might want to talk to her about your concerns. Maybe she’s a little bored at times. Even if this doesn’t make her feel excited, is it acceptable to you that she is willing to cooperate? However you address this issue, it is important to be able to focus on your own level of sexual arousal/tension. Now that you are comfortable using the abort method to delay ejaculation, you can make some more subtle changes. Step A: Exactly the same as Step A in Exercise 22-3, except that in this exercise you do not use the abort method, but rather control your ejaculation by changing your behavior. She uses her dry hand to stimulate your penis, and you slow down ejaculation by telling her to slow down the rate of stroking or change the type of stroking. Experiment more to find out what works best for you, or show her the fine-tuning method you learned from the masturbation exercise. If you have trouble doing this exercise and it doesn’t work out after a few tries, you’ll have to consider spending some time doing Exercise 22-2 and mastering the fine-tuning method yourself. After you are confident that you can comfortably delay ejaculation within 15 minutes using the fine tuning method rather than the abort method, proceed to Step B. Step B: Same as Step A, except that your partner’s hand will be lubricated. The next exercise is optional: 5. Aborting and fine-tuning with oral sex If your partner enjoys oral sex and you yourself are willing, you can repeat exercises 22-3 and 22-4, using her mouth instead of your hands. But if either of you has any uneasy feelings about it, don’t do this exercise; otherwise it will only cause problems and prevent you from reaching your goal. Now you’re close to enjoying the pleasure of penetrating her without ejaculating. But first you have to do the next exercise. This exercise is especially effective for men who ejaculate before or just after vaginal penetration. 6. Penis near the vagina Time required: a few minutes Lie on your back with your partner sitting on your lap. Step A: After getting an erection, rub it gently against her inner thigh for a few seconds to see how it feels. Rest for a few seconds, then do the same on her pubic hair. Take another short break. Now rub gently against her outer labia and see how it feels. Pause for a moment and then place your glans between her labia and experience the pleasure for a while. That’s the whole exercise. If you have anxiety or the urge to ejaculate, then take your time and do this exercise over and over again until the anxiety is gone or there is no urge to ejaculate. Remember to take several deep, relaxing breaths before you start and between each step. When you are comfortable completing the entire exercise, proceed to Step B. Step B: Exactly the same as Step A, except now she uses her hand to guide your penis. Do the next exercise with your partner’s vagina lubricated and then do as I suggest. Both natural and artificial lubrication is fine, but both partners need to agree on how to lubricate. It may seem strange to you. You are developing ejaculation control, yet you are being told to ejaculate as quickly as possible during intercourse. The reasoning is simple. In doing the following exercises, you will sometimes accidentally ejaculate too quickly, and it is critical that you and your partner are able to respond to these accidents with relative calm and harmony. By intentionally recreating the problem that was there and then dealing with it in a way that both of you feel comfortable with, you will be fully prepared to deal with the unexpected situation in the same way. As a reminder, you and your partner need to read the exercise carefully together before you do it. Some women feel sad and angry because they have endured too many quick ejaculations in the past, so they may not be able to do this exercise, or they may have to get their anger out first. It is important that you put yourself in your partner’s shoes as much as possible and listen to what she has to say. If she can’t do this exercise, skip it. If she can do it, but first to vent the depression in your mind, you have to see if you can shrug your ears and listen. 7, fast ejaculation during intercourse When both people want it, do foreplay as much as you can and then go into intercourse. Your job is to ejaculate as quickly as possible and make sure the experience ends happily. You have to rack your brain to resist any negative thoughts and images and be positive about what’s happening. And you both have to continue on to do what you both want to do and have fun. If she wants, you can stimulate her to orgasm, or massage each other, cuddle and talk. When you’re done, communicate and try to deal with future ejaculations in the same suggestive way (I guarantee it will happen). How many times you should do this exercise depends on your needs and can be between one and four or five times. But only continue with exercise 8 once you are both confident that you can handle rapid ejaculation without problems. Now you will begin to build a brand new relationship with your partner’s vagina that will lead to more satisfaction for both partners.