8: Gradual Vaginal Insertion Time Required: Usually less than 5 minutes The goal of this exercise is to gradually and in stages insert your penis into your partner’s vagina so that your experience inside the vagina is more comfortable. She needs to understand that this is not intercourse and that she needs to remain relatively still. Use a position that is comfortable for both of you, with one of you placing your erect penis right at the vaginal opening. Hold it there for a few seconds to get used to it. Once you feel comfortable, move your penis inward a little, about an inch, and take a few more seconds to get used to the sensation. Continue in this manner until your penis is fully inside her. Then hold still for a few minutes and notice your level of sexual arousal/tension. See what it feels like to have your penis surrounded by her vagina. Experience the texture, temperature and wetness of your vagina. Get used to staying inside, it’s a great place to be. If at any point you feel like you’re losing control, take a few slow, deep breaths to ease your breathing. If you want to cum afterwards and she doesn’t object, then do so. But move slowly and appreciate what is happening. When you are able to stay comfortably inside her without the urge to ejaculate, you can proceed to the next exercise. 9: The penis stays still in the vagina Actually a continuation of the previous exercise, this one also requires your partner to remain still. The goal is for your penis to stay inside her vagina and move little or no for 15 minutes. Either of you can insert your penis. You don’t have to insert it in stages, but do it slowly. Once it’s fully in, stay there. It’s important that your partner feels comfortable with you not doing anything. Naturally, it’s okay for you to want to communicate about what’s going on right now. As a result of staying still, you may find that your erection subsides. If this happens, you can ask your partner to contract your pelvic muscles a few times, or you can move slightly yourself to just hold the erection. Possible problems The first one or two times you start doing the exercises, you will get very excited and ejaculate as a result. This is not a problem, unless it happens over and over again. The best solution is to go back to the previous exercise and do a few incomplete penetrations. That is, thrust until you feel comfortable and hold it for a short while. The next time you do the exercise, see if you can penetrate a little deeper, still whichever feels comfortable. Keep practicing in this way until you have fully penetrated her. Then extend the amount of time you stay inside her. Next we will increase your ability to make moves inside her. The usual recommended position for doing these exercises is for you to lie down and for her to sit on top of you. This way you can be completely relaxed and let the bed take your weight, without having to tense any muscles yourself. This works well for many couples. But others prefer other positions. So use the position that works best for you. Remember, the position you adopt should be comfortable enough for both of you, so you don’t have to change positions within 15 minutes. 10: Penis in Vagina Step A: Similar to the previous exercise, except now one of you will be thrusting slowly. Who does the action depends on the position used. If she is on top, then she moves, if you are on top, then it’s you. Regardless of the position and who does the action, you yourself have to control the magnitude of the action and when to abort and resume thrusting. Use the fine-tuning method or the abort method to delay ejaculation for 15 minutes. It is important that your partner does not thrust to satisfy herself. Do this only later. Move less frequently at first and make sure you feel comfortable before increasing your movements. Then speed up a little. After it feels good and there is no danger of losing control, then increase the movements. Don’t forget to take a few deep breaths before increasing the frequency. Continue this step until the person doing the movement has moved with great frequency, but not yet at full strength, such as reaching 80% of the movement volume. This goal may not be reached in a single 15-minute exercise, so do as many reps as needed. Then proceed to Step B. Step B: Same as Step A, except that another person does the movement. This may require a different body position. Step C: Same as the first two steps, except that both people move. Move slowly at first, and then increase the frequency when you feel comfortable and still in control. Do this as many times as you need to until you can both move as fast as you want. Possible problems You lose control as you move faster. This means you are accelerating too much or you are not fully comfortable at slower movements. Slow down a bit, make sure you feel completely comfortable and in full control, and then slowly pick up the pace again. Don’t rush, and take some deep breaths. Here you will experiment with different positions of intercourse than before. 11: Different Sexual Positions It is important to agree with your partner on what new positions to experiment with. For example, man or woman in top position, side position, or back-in position. Until you gain experience, your ejaculation control will almost certainly not be as good as in the previously used positions. Use what you are now used to: at first, just one of you does the action, gradually increasing the frequency. Then have the other person do the action, gradually increasing the tempo as you feel comfortable. Then it’s two people moving together. Remember, each new position needs to be done many times before you feel good ejaculatory control. For most men, no further practice is needed. By this point their control has improved considerably. They have gained greater sexual pleasure with their partner and perhaps enjoy more sex as a result. For other couples, however, there are still problems. In couples where the woman is able to achieve vaginal orgasm, the man is sometimes unable to maintain his improved ejaculatory control when the woman is in full motion during intercourse – when she begins to sprint toward orgasm. These men often pay too much attention to their partner’s arousal, as if they themselves are involved. Her sexual arousal becomes his sexual arousal. At first reading, this sounds good. Her arousal sparks his arousal, and they both reach orgasm at the same time. If this is the case, then there is obviously no problem. Some couples do indeed do just that. But for others, the reality is not so pleasant. To put it conveniently in numbers, suppose she needs 20 seconds of vigorous movement to reach orgasm, but he either becomes overly aroused by her excitement or becomes nervous that he won’t last, and thus comes 10 seconds after she has just begun her sprint toward orgasm. If he can’t continue thrusting or can’t keep her moving for 10 seconds, she won’t have an orgasm (which is naturally fine if he can continue thrusting for a few seconds after he comes to make her come as well). She will be very lost because the previous work was lost. This makes her feel worse than if he had come while she was still far from orgasm. Now she’s just one step away and still can’t get there. One way to do this is to experiment with positions and movements that make her more excited than you are. This could be you doing a pelvic wrap, or anything that puts your pelvis against hers to help her reach orgasm without making you lose control early. Other methods include keeping your arousal and your partner’s arousal somewhat separate. Naturally you have to acknowledge her arousal, as it is, and is one of the sources of great joy for you both. But being aware of her arousal and celebrating it is not the same thing as being in it. You have to be able to maintain a certain distance between her feelings and your own. There are several exercises that can help you with this. The first exercise is entirely imagery and self-talk. 12: Imagining separation from your partner’s arousal At first, you imagine that you are having intercourse with your partner and that she is moving slowly with only a little passion. As the exercise progresses, you imagine her increasing the speed and power of her movements in stages. As you imagine each stage of her movement, you tell yourself, “Her arousal is not my arousal. Her passion is not my passion either. She does her, I have to do mine and focus on my own feelings.” You don’t need to copy these words; I say this so you understand. Feel free to modify the wording to better suit yourself. The exercise will work better if you record yourself. Here’s why: Without the tape, you have to do two things: imagine her moving in a certain way, and remind yourself of it at the same time. This requires two minds in one, which some people can do easily and others have difficulty doing. If you are having trouble doing this exercise, make a tape recording. That is, you can make a short recording (about three minutes is enough) describing your partner’s rising arousal level. Be sure to break her behavior down into stages, slowly moving from one level of sexual arousal and movement to the next (“She’s breathing harder, moaning a little with pleasure, her hips are moving faster than they were a moment ago [pause for 10 seconds], and now she’s moaning louder and moving a little harder ……”). Then, as you play this tape, you tell yourself out loud, “Her arousal is not my arousal. Her arousal is not my arousal. I need to refocus my attention on my feelings and pay attention only to what I am feeling in my mind and body.” After you feel comfortable with her movement and passion at a certain level (in your mental imagination), imagine that she moves a little faster and her passion increases a little more. After you feel comfortable with this again, increase her movement and passion again in your mind’s eye. Keep doing it in this way until you are comfortable with her indulgent and fiery movements. Another way to do this exercise is to get her involved. She describes her rising arousal and the way she acts in violent movements toward orgasm (even though you two are not really having sex and she is not aroused or making movements at the time), while you keep repeating the self-talk to yourself and visualizing yourself fully concentrating on your feelings.