What is ejaculatory control? Ejaculation is a reflex that cannot be fully controlled, however a man with ejaculation control is able to obtain high levels of sexual arousal from oral sex, masturbation or intercourse with orgasm in the future and he is usually able to choose when to ejaculate. He can allow his sexual arousal to rise to a high level and then more or less subside until he wants to ejaculate, presenting as a gently rising curve. But don’t take this literally; in reality, a man’s arousal level fluctuates, going up and down with his desires and what’s happening until he comes. He may also decide to ejaculate quickly if it is appropriate. In contrast, a man who cannot control his ejaculation often rises steeply from zero arousal to orgasm, with no fade in between. He has to ejaculate quickly and has no choice. He cannot enjoy the pleasure of high sexual arousal for long. He may try to ease his arousal in a number of ways – one popular practice is to think about other things – but the results are either poor or not always effective. And his partner is always in a dilemma. She’s afraid to stimulate him because it will make him ejaculate right away. She’s also afraid of getting aroused during intercourse because maybe it’s over before she gets full satisfaction. If she had the ability to orgasm during intercourse, she would first try desperately to do so before he came, but usually in vain. After repeated failures, she may stop getting excited. What’s the point of getting excited, she’ll wonder, if the result is just lust igniting and then being cooled to the core? Even if she manages to have an orgasm before he comes, that orgasm is rushed in the midst of anxiety, often as if it’s more than worth it. Many men who lack good ejaculation control have the fantasy of someone saying, “I want to have sex for an hour – no, for two to three hours – before I ejaculate. I think it would feel great, and my wife would love me for it.” It is understandable that men who usually have sex for no more than one or two minutes fantasize about the effects of long-lasting intercourse in this way. But, as always, it’s important not to get carried away by the fantasy. I’ve treated men who had intercourse for up to an hour, or even longer, and they weren’t happy either. Their problem was that they couldn’t ejaculate inside the woman, no matter how long they thrust. Their usual 30, 40 or 60 minutes of intercourse really didn’t feel great. You might think their partners would be ecstatic about this, but the reality is different. Their partners complain of constant thrusting, ramming, vaginal pain, and a feeling of incompleteness, because although the intercourse seems to go on forever, the man never finishes in a “normal way”. A single woman who had experienced this type of man said, “It really wasn’t fun at all. My spine was stuck to the carpet for so long that I got a row of coin-sized marks on my back.” Of course, the problem is dramatically exacerbated when couples try to conceive. Fortunately, the disorder, which sex therapists call “delayed ejaculation,” is less common than rapid ejaculation. One reason for this luck is that hyperejaculation is much easier to treat. Lack of ejaculatory control can manifest itself in a variety of ways. Some men are unable to control their ejaculation no matter what sexual activity they are doing. They ejaculate as quickly when they masturbate as when they are stimulated by their partner. Others have no problem masturbating, but not with a partner. More people are normal except for intercourse. There is also a difference in that most men who lack ejaculatory control have this disorder for life, while some are men who used to have control but are no longer as virile as they used to be. Most men who lack ejaculatory control do not also have erectile dysfunction, but some men have both: difficulty getting an erection and ejaculation usually too soon. Since many of the exercises to improve ejaculation require the ability to get an erection, men with both disorders should not try to control ejaculation, but rather address the erection problem first. Address the pressing problem first. We are not sure why millions of men lack ejaculatory control while millions of others do; nor are we sure why for many men, control improves with age and experience while others do not. But one thing we are clear about is that unlike erectile dysfunction, which is often caused by physical factors or drugs, rapid ejaculation is almost always caused by lack of knowledge, lack of attention, and lack of skill. Another thing that is clear to us is that abstinence can impede control. Even men who normally have good control may ejaculate too quickly after not having sex for several weeks. There is another point that also seems to be true, namely that anxiety can lead to a loss of control. This can be seen in men who ejaculate too quickly when they are with a new partner, but regain control once they become familiar with each other. In general, men who cannot control their ejaculation simply do not make the behavioral adjustments necessary to maintain a high level of sexual arousal in the event of a future orgasm. This may be because these men are not focusing on their feelings and therefore cannot take the appropriate steps; or because they do not know when to make adjustments to their behavior; or because they do not know what adjustments to make. The benefits of being able to control ejaculation are many. Better control means that sex, and especially intercourse, is longer and usually more enjoyable. Men who can control their ejaculation are more confident in love and feel better about themselves, and their partners appreciate this. Also, many men report that their orgasms feel better: they describe them as “more complete” or “more whole. But it’s important not to confuse controlled ejaculation with a woman having a vaginal orgasm (a vaginal orgasm is an orgasm achieved through intercourse alone, without simultaneous clitoral stimulation). Of course, there are some women who have these types of orgasms. If your partner falls into this category, then chances are that she will have another orgasm if you can prolong intercourse. But the clear conclusion of many surveys is that many women, perhaps most, do not fall into this orgasm category. They need direct clitoral stimulation (through her hand, your hand, your mouth, or an oscillator) to have an orgasm, and that’s not a job the penis is fully capable of. Prolonging intercourse does not help this type of woman to have an orgasm during intercourse.